It Never Ends The Way You Think It Will

My day started out slow and sleepy, or maybe that was just me. I really was sleepy. Wait. I still am.

It's just that somewhere in the middle of the day, I got a little boost, and I don't think it was the Diet Coke, although, I'm sure that helped a little.

I had been thinking I'd finish my carpet tomorrow when Little Miss has a visit. I thought today would be to hard with the interruption of her therapy appointment. Well, that got cancelled. Then my friend said she could come over tomorrow morning to help my white walls.

All of a sudden, I was thinking carpets again, in a now or never sort of way. So off I went moving chairs and lamps. Next thing I know, it's time to pick up the boys from camp.

When I get there, they are beat, in a really good sort of way. Their instructor, who we all love, says, hey, did you know the boys are going to test tonight for their high green belts?

Ugh.

Nope, didn't know.

Scramble a new play here.

Now we're not going home to hang out and cool down before baseball practice, no, not us. We're going to run like chickens with our heads on the floor to eat some sort of dinner, get all our junk in the van and get to baseball practice. As soon as practice ends, we're going to run to Tae Kwon Do and test for the next belt. Pil-Sung.

Good thing the kids will eat PB&J 3 times a day if need be and Tae Kwon Do takes MasterCard!

In between there, we got the mail. Not normally a big event in our house, other than it means a short walk across the street. Well, today, it really was a big deal.

My mailbox was full of court papers. We have a date for the beginning of the end for Little Miss.

Now, this comes with both joy and heartache.

Joy, because she may be able to have a forever family with us sooner that we thought. Joy because it means soon the stress in her life will ease. Soon she'll be able to sleep and eat. Soon she'll stop hurting herself. Soon it will be all better.

The reality, though, is that it won't.

It won't ever really be all better. This mommy isn't ever going to be able to make everything alright.

There is another side to this "happy ending" in her life. The other side is parents who aren't pulling it together. Parents who are going to loose their child forever. I'm telling you, even if they are not stellar parents, even if they do things we get really upset about, they are still parents. In what ever capacity they have, they love their child, and now they will loose her forever.

Even worse, someday, she will want to know all about it.

This is like a timed release pain pill, only it will give out pain, a little dose at a time over the years to come.

Now tonight, I'll work at crafting a letter to her mom, asking for keepsakes for Little Miss. No easy task to write this, but my part is easy.

For just a moment, imagine yourself as her mom. You know you have just a few days left to gather together all the pictures and notes and mementos you would want her to have over her lifetime. Think how it must be to know, yes she knows, that you have only a few hours time left with this child of yours, to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her you will always love her, because she will always love her daughter. Think how she is feeling to know that every last second she has with her child, she will be watched, people will take notes and judge her.

Can you imagine anything harder than this?

I'm not sure I can.

Simply by the grace of God, I'm on this side of it.

Simply by grace.

Praise God, for heartache and joy.

Slower Than Dirt

Yup, that's me. Slower than dirt.

Several weeks ago, we moved the computer from my room to the main floor. I moved it alone and did a sort of "good enough" version of moving it. For a while, I've been meaning to get back to fixing it up, I just haven't done it.

Even while it was upstairs, we had to keep the screen on the side, as we'd already broken the stand. Well, after carpet cleaning yesterday and some other stuff, late nights, writing, whatever, I've developed a crick in the neck that just won't go. This morning it dawned on me, perhaps having the screen off to the side wasn't helping.

Never mind that I'm not able to ever sit here and do anything without at least one child using me as a jungle gym unless it's 3 in the morning. Thanks to the abundance of phone books we get at this house, the problem is sort of solved. It's not very pretty, but very functional, and in this house, that always wins. The phone book holds up the shelf with the screen so now I can at least type head on while being a toddler jungle gym.

Next I have to figure out how to solve the dents I get in my knees from bracing against girl friend when she decides to play "push mommy" while "sharing" the chair with me.

Yeah, today, it's just the mommy trials.

What Would You Do?

Or, how do you know I'm nuts?

I've had 2 hours sleep, my dog's at the vet, the 2 boys are at day camp and I spent my day cleaning the carpet.

Seems it will need to be done a bunch more times, but it's better already. The new shampoo-er was a good investment, even if my arms are falling off.

I'm hoping that tonight will be the night that Little Miss goes back to sleeping.

I'm 2 for 2 this week and way too old to be having Diet Coke for breakfast. Thanks for leaving me some coffee this morning before you headed out to Philly, Mr.

The boys loved camp yesterday and were completely exhausted. Today was a field trip to the zoo, and it's about the hottest day of the whole summer. I expect them to come home and crash just like yesterday.

My plans for this week were too much, so I'm trying to scale back and still feel like I got somethings done. I'm hoping to even enjoy some of the time and maybe, just maybe,

get

some

sleep!!

Strange Places

Well, this week is something new.

The boys are in summer day camp.
All day.
All week.

God bless Tae Kwon Do and the marvelous instructors!

It is something new. Well, not really new, just a place I haven't been in years.

It's been 8 years to be exact, since I've been home alone with only a single 2 year old. And even then, most of those years, I wasn't really home. When Little Mr. was 2-ish I was a working mom.

Seems a single toddler is a little bit pesky and my to-do list maybe more fantasy than reality.

Oh well, I can always hope for nap time.

In the mean time, rest assured that it isn't easy to type with a 2 year old on your lap.

Sunday Mornings Aren't What They Used To Be

Long ago, in a life before kids, Sunday mornings were a really special sort of time. I always looked forward to them. It meant sleeping in, The New York Times, coffee shops, sailing for The Mr.

Somewhere along the line, kids happened. For a while we still had a few of those things. Sleeping in went first. Then coffee shops.

Sailing is now sporadic, often replaced with home projects, lawn mowing and working over time.

The Times left after I realized I couldn't read the whole paper even in the space of a week.


I still get coffee and the paper on Sunday, but it's while my boys duel each other with plastic swords and the baby sits on my lap trying to eat the paper and spill the "foffee".

It's all good. I still long for that sleeping in time once in a while. I catch myself sometimes remembering how glorious it was to spend the day sunk in the paper, or any written thing for that matter.

But, it will come again. I'll have days in the future that are filled with books and coffee and silence and time all my own.

It will be later though, for now is the time that I've been asked to serve. To love and to serve. It's my condensed version of Christian life.

God asked us to love. Then he asked us to serve.

What Can I Say?

Kathy, you'll know what this one means.

Notice Anything About My Walls?

No, I don't mean that they're decorated by kids or that we're baseball fans. They're white. Rental white. Sell my house white. Used to be white 3 years ago when we moved in white.

Mrs. B. Sheep, I could use a color consultation if you felt like getting out of the house. I'm thinking it's time I lived in a house that looked more like a grown ups house.

How Little Miss and I Spend Time Together

If you're wondering, it takes about an hour to do if she's in a good mood. If we do braids it takes a bit longer.

Littlest Mr. Looses First Tooth

Ring Two

Hey Dr. H., a long time ago you bugged me about my rings. I do have them. If you gain it all back plus some, you can wear them again.

Remind me and one day I'll post pictures of the first set along with this set and the story of the rings.

Pil-Sung Hound

They're Getting Big

Summer Living On the Grill

Never Too Old

Well, I'm trying to keep up.

With who? Well, I'm not exactly sure, but I'm still trying to keep up. I think I just don't want to get so "old" of a mindset that things like the everyday technology pass me by while I'm whining about how "back in the day" we did things on paper or whatever.

It just means that this past week or so, in my free time--insert laughter here--I've been trying to get a handle on things like MySpace, FaceBook and BlogHer. They're all really quite fun, although slightly confusing.

I'm still trying to learn all the basics of using Blogspot, so I'm really stretching, but it's good to stretch. Being a stagnant slug is not becoming. I like to grow, even when it's hard.

Sometimes I don't learn much, except that it's harder than it looks, but sometimes I have a very squirmy two year old on my lap pushing the buttons faster than I can read the screen, and that's fast, as I speed read!

Why & What I Read

From Scarlett

She started from the beginning, with the truth about her marriage. "I didn't love him, at least I didn't know it if I did. I was in love with someone else. And then, when I knew it was Rhett I loved, he didn't love me any more. That's what he said, anyhow. But I don't believe that's true. Colum, it just can't be."
"Did he leave you?"
"Yes. But then I left him. That's what I wonder, if it was a mistake."
"Let me get this straight..." With infinite patience Colum unravelled the tangle of Scarlett's story. It was well after midnight when he knocked the dottle out of his long-cold pipe and put it in his pocket.
"You did just what you should have, my dear." he said. "Because we wear our collars backwards some people think that priests are not men. They're wrong. I can understand your husband. I can even feel great compassion for his problem. It's deeper and more hurtful than yours, Scarlett. He's fighting himself, and for a strong man that's a mighty battle. He'll come after you, and you must be generous to him when he does, for he will be battlesore."
"But when, Colum?"
"That I cannot tell you. I know this, though. It's he that must do the seeking, you can't do it for him. He has to fight himself alone, until he faces his need for you and admits it is good."
"You're sure he"ll come?"
"That I'm sure of. And now I'm to be. You do the same."

Scarlett nestled into her pillow and tried to fight the heaviness of her eyelids. She wanted to stretch this moment, to enjoy the satisfaction that Colum's certainty had given her. Rhett would be here --maybe not as soon as she wanted, but she could wait.



~~~~~~~

If you've ever lived this, or loved like Rhett and Scarlett, well, then the words are so true and right. I've been enjoying my summer journey with them, sometimes savoring and sometimes gulping, once in a while just remembering my own journey.

Foster Fluster

Today has been one of those days.

I would love to sit here and type it out in a way that is funny or insightful, but there just isn't one. Some days in foster care land stupidity reigns and today was one of those days.

It is difficult for me to be graceful to people who can't understand the plan after a month of making the plan and going over the plan. It is hard for me to understand how it can take hours to realize something isn't going according to the plan and then harder still for me to believe that it takes several more hours to find a phone number. Really now.

I know, I know, I'm just the foster mom. What could I possibly know about this?

I do know, that when I thought it counted, I was able to get a live social worker on the phone in less than 10 minutes. I know that I've been able to get medications changed and get live doctors on the phone when necessary.

I am simply frustrated that after a month of planing for a single appointment, it could be such a disaster. I'm also really disappointed that it impacted the rest of my family the way it did. We shouldn't have had to run around like we did, or make as many phone calls as we did or cancel our appointments because this one got way out of hand.

Somewhere along the line, everyone is forgetting that this is about a child. A child and her well being.

They're also forgetting that there is a real, live family taking care of that child, and we have lives too. Taking care of our fosters is just a part of our life. It isn't the whole thing, nor is it an after thought. We bring these kids in and treat them as much like our own as possible.

And let me tell you, if she were my own, no day of hers would ever look like this one if I could help it.

Weekend Highlights

Culvers burgers and custard.
Grill outs.
Baseball games.
Choir concert.
Church and Sunday school.
Chad James concert.
Pizza party with Grandma.
County Fair.

Who says there's nothing to do around here?

Summer, A Well Balanced Party?

I think perhaps I have a certain amount of anti-social qualities about myself. Maybe it's just a version of over protective mothering.

I set out to tackle summer in a different way this year. Summer can be an issue around here and I don't like it to be.

I have somewhat special kids. In most ways and most settings, they are average. But, there are moments and situations when they just don't fit in. Add in the fact that kids can be cruel, and you get a very unfun summer.

Some years we've just been a school year round family and that was enough. It kept the boys out of the neighborhood mix and the problems down to a dull roar. There were other issues though. There was the constant whine of why am I still doing school and everyone else is outside playing. Now, never mind, that each of the neighbor kids had specific "school" things they had to accomplish over the summer, most of which included daily work with their moms. It didn't matter. To my kids, they were the only ones being tortured with school work.

It also doesn't matter that our work load and school schedule was different from the other kids during the school year. They can't see time that way and so they just couldn't remember what it was like in December to go out on a Monday morning and build snowmen while all the other kids were at school.

This year my plan was to keep everyone busy. We put ourselves in a number of activities that take us away from home almost daily. These past few weeks and the next few weeks we are even more busy. We have multiple activities every day.

Can I confess? I don't really enjoy all the activities. I really don't enjoy the seemingly constant running from place to place, the rushed lunches, the missed naps, the really late dinners and even later bed times. But in a way, that's what summer ought to be, right? A frenzy of fun things to do, new things to do, great memories being made and getting sort of sweaty, sticky, itchy and sun burnt. And so we're doing it.

The push is really on now. We're going to run like crazy until August and then it's over. In a way, I'm really looking forward to August. Whole days where we don't really have to leave the house if we don't want to. It means, though, that we'll have exactly that, whole days, here. At our house. With all the neighbors.

Now, it's not like my neighbor kids are future axe murders and dealers. Not at all. But they are kids. Kids who get hot, cranky and nasty. Kids who demand, bully and punch. Kids who whine and exclude and taunt. Kids who act like kids. Kids who act like my kids.

Sometimes a neighbor's kid, simply just isn't your kid. Your own kid, or even one in your care like my fosters, is your own. You give them those looks, the body language, the simple words that you use and they know because it's all a part of the family language. And, they know the unspoken rules, what's allowed, what's tolerated, and what's just way past a good idea without having to be told. Sometimes it's just simpler to have only your own.

Now, I don't want to live in isolation or anything like that. There are plenty of days that I'm just like all the other moms and utter those famous summer lines, "Go outside and find some kids to play with!". But, I'm usually not up to host the whole pack either. You know the afternoon, the one where you hand out 25 ice pop sticks and cups of water. You have the endless requests to use the bathroom and "ask my mom if it's OK" requests.

Perhaps, this is just part of what summer looks like for a mom. It's all about band aids and pop sickle sales. It's finding that balance of fun stuff to do and staying home and hanging out. It's finding a way to balance being social, fun and friendly with being a family that likes to be together being a family together.

Here's hoping that by August, we're all well balanced.

Answered Prayers

The Little Mr. is doing choir camp this week.

He's loving it.

But...

After the first hour, he had lost his voice.
The second day, he said singing hurt.

The teacher and I were worried that he might be hurt. There might be injury and damage to his vocal cords from his feeding tube that kept him alive at birth.

I had momma worries.

What if and what to do? He was loving it so, but I couldn't let him do something that would ultimately hurt him.

So today he was to meet with the instructor after practice. She wanted to work with him a little and see what was going on.

I came to pick him up 15 minutes later.

She was near tears when she spoke with me.

Praising this boy child and his talent.

It seems that he is gifted, but was just unaware of how to use it.

She raved and said between his voice and ability on the piano, we could be looking at something amazing.

My momma heart is bursting.

Not so much with pride over a child with a gift, as much as with relief that we may have finally found a path for this head strong, big hearted, passionate boy.

He had the most genuine joy on his face when he sang for me.

Praise God for that very moment. That he felt that joy in his heart, and a small momma blessing that I was able to see it.

It's right there in my world with the first time he hugged me and told me he loved me without prompting. He was around 7.

Our "special" kids sometimes bring us little miracles.

I Love These Ladies!

We got together again last night, minus two, plus one. Any which way, it was great. Twice in one summer is amazing, and so are these ladies. Marathons & home school. Finishing degrees & special needs kids. Back to work and giving THE TALK to our kids. Almost publishing & more babies. Ministry leaders & neighborhood leaders.

I think between the 8 of us we have around 15-20 kids. Amazing kids at that.

And you know what? Each one of these amazing moms would say to you, "stop it, I just do what I do, and I'm just a mom, nothing amazing here"

Did I mention how much I love these ladies?

Convertibles In Wisconsin

If you are blessed enough or perhaps crazy enough to own a convertible in the state of Wisconsin, could you at least use it on the few worthy days?

Today is a perfect day for top down driving. The sky is clear, clean blue. The temperature is in the high 80's or low 90's.

So what do I see in traffic? Not just one convertible with the top up, but a whole bunch. The best though was a woman who was just clearly too pretty to put that top down. I mean, come on, the manicure and hair style probably cost at least as much as the leather seats in her silver Jag.

I think convertibles ought to only come in fun colors. That nice sort of robins egg powder blue that collector cars come in. Yellow. Definitely yellow. Glossy lip stick red. No white, no silver.

I think they ought to be only given to moms. They should come with sitters too. Give a mom a convertible in a fun color, a sitter, a perfect weather day, and I just bet we would be a fun bunch.

Picture us cruising, top down, music loud, shades on. Our faces plastered with silly grins and laughter.

Yeah, I can see us now. Mom's behind the wheel, loose on the land.

Kid Quote of the Day

Statement:
I'm cooler than you. I get to see an endocrinologist and you don't.
Brotherly Reply:
Dude, you can't even say it right.

Short Stories

My Two Sons. Well, it turns out sort of like I expected. One is a jock and one is an artist. Both are shockingly strong willed. Lucky me.

It is actually lucky. Lucky because it means that once they make up their minds which direction to go in, they really go.

The hard part is helping them find their way.

This summer I'm feeling like I'm doing OK at it. We've fallen in love with competitive baseball, and baseball on TV, and going to games, and baseball video games and board games. Well, I guess we're just loving all things baseball.

You'd know it's true if you saw my family room. Each week the paper puts in a poster of a Brewer. Each and every one has been clipped out and hung up in my family room. Even as I sit here and type to you, Russell Branyan swings his bat above my head.

The other Mr. has begun a week of choir camp. He came home singing yesterday and thinking out loud about first semester choir. He woke up this morning and went to the piano. In between he breaks out his drawing stuff. In all aspects, this child is an artist, moody, flighty and driven by some unknown and misunderstood thing.

I'm learning to love that part of him, to encourage it and help it grow into something more than an adults left over childhood wish or dream.

The princess is two, so she is supreme queen of all tantrums these days. There just isn't anything else to be said about that. Two year old tantrums, especially from foster kids, can be quite impressive in their own right.

The Mr. and I are just plain feeling our age. For the last year or so, we've taken turns at dramatic amounts of dental work and minor back issues.

The good part of all that is the conversation it led too.

We realized we are just a family that is hard on things, well, people too.

We're pretty hard on our cars, toys and house. Our yard shows the wear of a busy family with pets. We're hard on our clothes and books, our dishes and shoes. We're hard on our friends and family. Not in an abusive way, but in a demanding way.

We demand authenticity, real honesty, depth and intimacy. We expect loyalty. We never expect it without giving it.

All this being hard on stuff really just shows a life being lived. Really lived. No one who knows us would ever accuse us of just going through the motions. We're not just waking through life in a daze. We're living it, missteps and all.

Smore's

Another version.

Wait till the kids are outside playing.
Sneak to the kitchen.

Get out 4 of their nilla wafer cookies, 1 marshmallow and those chocolate kiss candies you keep hidden.

Break marshmallow in half.

On one wafer, place a chocolate kiss candie--dark chocolate, mmm, spike the half marshmallow on top. Microwave for just a few seconds.

Top with other wafer.

Shove entire thing into mouth just before kids rush in the door to go potty.

Repeat using caramel filled chocolate kiss candie.

Shove into mouth over sink. Melted caramel, chocolate & marshmallow drips and is very sticky.

Finish Diet Coke, return to supervising children.

The Start

It's the start.

The start of the wait. The start of the forms and court dates and stress.

Or at least that's what everyone is telling us.

We've worked on the first packet of forms for a week or two and now I'm ready to send them off.

It was an incomplete packet of forms, so I know there will be at least a few more. I've been heartily assured that there will be many more.

I've also spent a good amount of time on the phone with the state already. I suddenly see why this could take a year or more to finish.

It could take a year just to get a form sent or faxed, perhaps even longer to get a return phone call.

I figure it's alright. It's ultimately God's time frame. He'll make this all go quick or slow depending on what is required. There isn't much point in my getting mental over any of it.

There are plenty of places for worry to creep into this process, but I can see that they really aren't my worries to keep.

This is one of the points of life where I feel blessed to be able to go with the flow pretty easily. Sure, there are times when I really want to have a plan, a detailed, time-lined plan, but not too often. Most of the time, I really am content to just take the next thing next.

Doing foster care in a big city county has simply been an exercise in this. In the last 2 years I've learned a lot about not knowing what was happening or going to happen and how to be OK with it. I know as much as I can know and then I just wait to see what will happen next. In the mean time, I lay it down before God as I think of it. I figure that He'll make sure I know the things I need to know when I need to know them.

Summer At Last

Is anyone else so ridiculously sick of the Brett Favre drama?

I am.

Last night the boys had a sleep over in the basement. In all respects it was good. They slept in until almost 7. For us, that's fantastic!

This is the start of the busy time of the summer for us. VBS starts tonight. Choir camp starts Monday. We're nearing the end of baseball and Tae Kwon Do camp is just around the corner.

Right now, August is looking really relaxing.

We are also finally in the season of mostly nice weather. I'm actually planning whole weeks of grill out meals without too much fear of having to revamp and cook indoors. I'm sort of a grill out junkie.

I even had left over grilled veggies in my eggs this morning. And a side of fresh tomatoes.

Breakfast bliss.

Well, Barney's done and the dog's barking. The boys are out trimming the shrubs for us, so it's time to move on. I need to check and see if there are any bushes left in the front yard, change some diapers and find my dog.

Breaking News

Did that get your attention?

Oh well, I tried.

We're celebrating around here.

Why?

Well, God is Good and Faithful, of course.

My nephew is officially in remission.
The visitation situation for Little Miss has dramatically changed.

Can't say much more, but I'm hoping she'll have enough chance to settle down, get some sleep and maybe even start eating again!

So finish out your day praising God.

Faith Like A Child

Yesterday was a long day around here. I missed the mark in many ways. I lost sight in the parenting job and made things about me and my insecurities instead of about my kids. It's an easy trap to fall into.

At dinner I was listening to my son pray and was feeling pretty cranky. He started his prayer the same way he has always started his prayers.

Thank you God for a great day.

My mind had a side bar running. I was thinking I need to have a chat with that boy. He needs some reality. This was not a great day. He is praying by rote and not by what is real. And on and on my little mind churned.

Then this morning it struck me.

He was right and I was wrong.

If we're going about the business of comparison, it was a great day. We struggled and fought each other, but we had each other and so much more. Our lives are filled with abundance and on top of that salvation.

Reality check for me.

It really was another great day.

And if I look through the eyes of a child, it was a great day.

Time To Break The Routine

It's another day and I'm having the same old arguments with the same kid. Day after day, year after year. My head is in the leaves and I can't see the tree.

I can't seem to see which way to go. All the paths look bad to me. They all seem like they will have less than great out comes, and yet, maybe I should just pick a path and let it go.

Sometimes you need some experiences to help you see what's good and what's not so good. Sometimes.

Ah, well. I guess I'll pray and think. I'll do what I always do, I'll write it through and wait it out.

Goofy Kids

Even Potatoes Need A Good Night's Sleep

A Favortie Verse

Plain and simple, this is one of my favorite verses.

1Cor 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

In my mind there is a recognition that there are common temptations among men. It's a thing we all have in common. It's not special just to me. And temptation can be anything, it isn't necessarily a physical thing. It might be just a temptation to doubt or worry, just as much as it could be a temptation to make a bad choice or covet a material possession.

There is the promise stated so clearly, God is faithful.

And then there is more. He is not only faithful, but he will not let you have more than you can bear.

And still there is more. When you are at the edge of what you can bear, He is compassionate and provides a way out so that you can, in fact, stand up under it as a witness and a testimony to a faithful God.

For many years I have found this verse to be a comfort to me. Perhaps there is meaning it for you too.

General Housekeeping

Just a few updates.

July 4Th was quite fun. Most of us over did it with the junk food and have gotten too little sleep, but it really was fun.

This year we added what might be a new tradition. After the fireworks we returned home and lit the back yard fire pit. Then we made smores. Silly, but great.

I think we all wound it down around 1AM.

Saturday we had some fellowship and BBQ at church. All I can say is red ices are quite sticky, even in flip flops.

Good think moms are wash and wear.

The Littlest Mr. is sporting his first two loose teeth and I'm proud to say, naturally, not the result of an accident. The disclaimer is attached because he is the walking scrape this summer. I'm buying the band aids in the jumbo paramedic size and often applying more than one a day.

Last buy not least, there are two new blogs on the side bar. One is the Fox River Christian Church Poland Mission Team. They're quite special to us because two of the team members were in our Home Team this past year. Read the blog and follow their journey. The next new blog on the side bar belongs to The Little Mr. For some time now, he's been asking to begin his very own blog and it was finally time to get it going, so stop by and say hi to him.

That's all from mama small.

Anyone ever read the Small books? We love Mr. Small, and Policeman Small, and Pilot Small...

FireWorks!!

4Th of July is one of my favorite days. No, not because I'm super patriotic or love picnics or anything like that.

It's my favorite because I am a fire works junkie. I love fire works. I don't like to shoot them off myself or anything like that, I just simply love to watch them. I seek them out and am thrilled by them every single time.

Even in winter.

In fact, I think winter fire works far surpass the summer version. It's darker in the winter. The sky is often more clear. There are less people. The fire works reflect off the snow.

I've even gone so far as to discuss the crazy and unusual. I've read about a place that will take your cremated ashes into fireworks to be shot off at your funeral. '

I'm picturing a picnic funeral on a beach with the ashes of my body being shot off over the ocean after dark.

I know. Gross. Insanely morbid and disgusting.

But still, wouldn't it be great?

A wonderful picnic party on a beach to celebrate and remember a life fully lived and well enjoyed? A sunset over the ocean and then, bam, spectacular fireworks.

Ah, well.

It's a thought.

My plan for today is to have a very wonderful family picnic in the back yard. We are all thrilled beyond words that Little Andrew is well enough to join the family fun and we can all be together for a time doing the same old, same old. There is great comfort in traditions.

In the evening we will head to the airport, of all places, and see the local fire works. The great part about it is that there is lots of space. We can really spread out and not bother other families, and they don't bug us! We can often see the displays for several of the other local towns too. Our city seems to be one of the last to shoot them off. Ever year we get a glimpse of the others. There are often a few planes landing or taking off too!

God Bless Your 4th!

Summer At Our House

Bug spray, band aids & scooters.
Skateboards, bikes & bruises.
Bare feet.
Sticks, rocks, sand & bugs.
Pop sicles & movies.
Grill outs, fire pits & smores.
Trees, climbing & swings.
Jungle gyms, bubbles & sidewalk chalk.
Baseball.
Summer camps.
Storms & floods.
New neighbors, dogs & people.

You Would Think It'd Be Quiet In The Desert

All that stuff sounded so good last night.

Twice in two days I had an opportunity and I blinked. I didn't speak when I should have, now I'm feeling forced.

I prayed for answers and now I don't like the answer I got. I knew it was coming. Really, I did.

Did you ever beg and whimper and whine as a child for something that you knew you really shouldn't have? Especially as a child way too old for that sort of whining? Well, that's what I was doing.

I wanted what I wanted, knowing full well it was for myself only. It was selfish motives to be sure.

When I was pushed to really look at the whole thing clearly to see if it was best for my family, best for others, I had my answer before the "official" one arrived.

It stings to know you behaved that way. It is bitter to know another saw it for what it was.

And in spite of all that, it still hurts to let it go.

More and more as my day goes by and I collect information about different circumstances in my life, I see a long future of waiting. Right now it feels like I'm being asked to endure. Endure beyond what I have for the last few years.

This makes it sound so bleak and it isn't. I love my life here and now. It is good. I am solid in knowing that I am being obedient and the things I am doing are the things being asked of me. It brings comfort as the tasks seem to get harder each time.

But often, it still feels like a long dark walk in a barren desert.

The Moore book is speaking to me, finally. I've picked it up and started it many times, but this time seems to be the right time. I have a feeling this will be a theme book for a season in my life.

And so today, perhaps will be batter up. Yesterday and the day before I choked. It's silly really. A few requests or questions, I'm sure nothing more than a blip in the other person's day, and yet I've been wandering over it in my mind for far to long. There is no ill intent toward me, I am simply flustered and intimidated, caught off guard every time even when I'm expecting an interaction. She never means to be anything but friendly, kind and helpful, generous, even, but without meaning to be, she is authority and power and command. I flinch. But at the same time, I'm the rubber-necker who can't take their eyes off the accident scene. I'm the bug that doesn't know better than to fly into the light of the bug zapper. I want to run and still I'm drawn and feel compelled to conversations.

I like to think it's another God moment in my life. He's asking me to go out of my comfort zone for a reason, maybe my growth, maybe not. Maybe the other person needs something from God and I'll be a part of the plan. I'm not so bold as to claim to be a tool in God's hand, but maybe, just maybe, God uses even the most bumbling and flustered mom. So I'm setting out to have this conversation with a humble heart, although I'm guessing it will be more like a humiliation of sorts, but either way, I need to just do it. Sometimes God nags at your heart and mind in a way that makes it unbearable to say no, not now, I'll get to it later.

Ever Notice How God Piles On?

I have. It always seems like a nudge at first and then by the end, you get the sensation you're being hit in the head with a 2X4.

Well, I'm right there. My forehead has a big red bulls eye painted on it.

Thankfully, I think I'm getting the message before the board hits at full strength.

It all started a week or two ago. I was noticing that things weren't going as good as usual. I just had that little nagging feeling that something was off, but just couldn't seem to place it. I'm sure somewhere in there, I complained to The Mr. about my God time being swept away with the chaos of daily life.

That nagging was that daily life is only chaos when you aren't in prayer and study.

Hmm...

A week or two ago a girl friend calls and says lets go out to eat. Ah, a favorite for me, girl friends and food. So we get in the car and start driving out to the sea food place we're going to try. Suzy girl friend says, "hey, you know, we're friends and sisters-in-Christ, so we should be holding each other accountable, right?"

Right, of course, sure, I'm thinking. We're rolling down the road and I'm thinking well, at least I know the topic for dinner tonight, we're going to discuss becoming accountability partners, what that means and when to get it rolling. No problem.

We turn the corner and she says, point blank, "So, how's your walk with the Lord right now?"

I'm not making this up. Right there, in my face with the big question. No lead up. No do you want to be doing this, just plain, here it is.

After a pause, a long pause on my part, I hear, "Well? How is your walk with the Lord doing?"

As a side note, Kathy, it was as if she had channeled you right into the car! I could hear you saying it, and I can hear you smirking right now!

We talked. I got over myself and was honest. I looked long and hard at some things I've been over looking for a while. I tried to make a plan. It was a good plan.

I confess. I have not done the plan. Not one, single, time.

Ugh.

So God's at the lumber yard now, picking out a plank.

I'm out of books to read right now, so I go rummage at the book shelf. There are always books there that I meant to read, but just haven't.

In the mean time the pastor on Sunday says go home and read Esther.

No, not that plank, it has a big knot hole.

I finally find one on the shelf that seems like it would be good enough to read in the car while I wait out the lessons and sports. It seems like it will pass the time on the back porch until I need to push the swing or blow the bubbles for Little Miss.

That book? Praying God's Word by Beth Moore.

This plank is looking pretty good, nice grain, no warp.

In the mail box I find the new issue of Discipleship Journal.

The focus?

You're guessing right on.

Prayer.

Well, I'm getting the message. The magazine has been read. Ms. Moore and I are having an insightful and challenging time together. Esther's been read and I'm looking forward to the next pass.

God is good, all the time, even when I have a big bump on my head.

A Second Voice

I've come to realize that in my life I have two voices.

There is the live version of me and the paper version.

I'm OK with my live version, but it's not my best I think. In person, I'm often not able to present the person I think I am inside my head. It's really quite simple. I often get a bit flustered and chatter on about all sorts of drivel. I sometimes just clam up. I almost never say the "smart" things I have in my head. Sometimes I'm funny, but it's all wrong.

Always it seems that I'm replaying the conversations in my head after the fact. That is when I realize my lost opportunity to say something. It's when I see what I should have said or not said. These are the moments when I realize that I didn't make the eye contact I wanted to. I missed my moment to connect.

In hindsight I always see how completely distracted I am by all the things going on around me. The other people walking around, the other conversations, my kids, the idea that someone might be looking at the scene or overhearing my nutty chatter.

My second voice is on paper. I sometimes stink just as much on paper as I do live, and often for the same reasons, but on paper, I just feel like I can see clearly. Or at least speak clearly. But also, on paper, I'm mostly just talking to myself. I think I'd be scared to death if the people I wanted to have reading my words were really doing so. The mostly anonymous fog of the Internet makes me brave at times.

On paper my voice is solid, not wavering. My opinions are formed and have weight. On paper I feel like I can so easily and quickly give voice to the things of the heart that otherwise take so very long to get to. My paper voice is the voice inside my head. It's the voice that has all these conversations with myself. It is the voice of all the scenes that play out behind my eyes.

Paper allows for clarity and eloquence, where live life allows for fear. Sometimes it takes me weeks to talk myself into having a conversation with a person. Even then, I often never get to the things I really wanted to say.

And so as I back read this, I think well now, where is that clarity of voice that I was talking about. But yet, just the same, this does make sense to me. Deep within my heart I feel it resonate with truth. There is a weight about words that is found for me only on paper.

Perhaps it is all something I will grow into over time. It's possible my two "sides" will unite and become a single, but maybe not. I think I almost sort of like them separate. With the two I am able to reflect and learn.

One of these days, I'll be brave and say the risky things. It happens more and more all the time. Sometimes I even take myself by surprise. Maybe it's just a strange combination of late bloomer. I always looked old for my age and so sometimes I think I'm a little slow on the growing up process. Kind of a funny outlook for a late 30's chick with 3 kids, but I often think that's really the case.

Enough rambling for one day. I've got paper work piling up and laundry piles too. I'll leave the piles in my mind for another moment in time.