I'm Here

I am. Really.

I'm just tired and cranky. This stupid foot of mine is taking over. As much as I want to be ignoring it and getting on with life, it's making me slow. It's making everything take so much more effort and planning. I don't have great patience for this.

I'm just shuffling along in a bit of a fog. It's that state where you try to rationalize which things you can let slide for a few days only to realize that now you have a bigger issue. I really should have just kept plugging along slow and stead in stead of sitting it all out for a few days. Now I have a bit more of a scramble to work with than I'm probably really ready for. Oh well.

It's the life of a mom really. You just keep on going. You walk the path before you and take the next steps even if they're on limpy legs.

As for general updates, we went to court yesterday for Little Miss. It's sort of what I predicted. Not really much new and it sucked up a few hours of my day. There are some new people assigned to the case. There is a potential appeal pending.

Here's how that works.

We're not actually certain at this time if it's her birth family filing the appeal or if it's just the public defenders office making sure there are no errors in this case that could potentially come back and later disrupt an adoption.

So here's what happens. By July 8th a new public defender will be assigned to this case. They will review the case very carefully to see if there is anything that can be written up as an appeal. If there isn't, then we get to move on toward filing for an adoption. If there is, the appeal is written and then sent to Madison for review. From there it will be reviewed. It will either be found as no grounds for appeal and the decision of the judge will stand and we can then proceed to filing for adoption. If it is found that there is grounds for appeal, then we basically go back to the beginning and do another trial. Then it will again be up to a judge or jury to determine if there should be a termination of parental rights.

It seems as though this will be the story of our lives for the next few years. This process for Little Miss could last at least another year. And then there is Little One. We expect his case to turn in this direction in the next 6-9 months. Then we'll begin this process all over again with him. Then there is the question of his siblings.

See, Little One has two older sisters. At this time, they are with another foster family, but that doesn't seem like it will be a permanent home for them. Everyone would like to see the sibling group stay together. The worst would be for them all to be separated or one to be left in the system without a forever home.

It's a mess. There are so many parts of this right now that I'm just refusing to take in and try to process. It's too hard on the heart. And I know it's far to early in the case to even begin spending my energy here. The time will come.

If it crosses your mind, say a little prayer for these two little girls, Missy & Miss-D. I'm going to keep on saying it. These kids don't deserve what they get, and they don't get what they deserve.

Thankful Even If Not Happy

I'm not in my comfort zone. I like doing things myself, my own way. I like being independent. I'm not good at asking for help, accepting help or being helped.

This week, that's been the way it is.

I am VERY thankful for all the people who have stepped in and helped out, from just being understanding that I'm moving a little slower, to driving me, doing my dishes or bringing dinner. It all really did help.

I'm happy to say that each day I'm a little better than the day before and hope to be back to full speed and strength in a few weeks. Right now, I'm down to just limping around with my boot. And who wouldn't want such fashionable summer foot wear?

So thanks my friends. Thanks for cooking and schlepping. Thanks for carrying and putting up with my flock of kids. Thanks for coming over on short notice and making due. Thanks for helping me laugh it off. Thanks!

Today's Episode of Stupid Mom

Last night I was playing Super Mom around my house and it came back to bite me in the butt.

I was doing exactly what I always tell my kids not to do. I was rushing around, in the dark, doing a bunch of things at the same time on the stairs.

I think you see where this is going.

It went right to the ER.

Seems it was my turn.

I slipped off the last 3 steps and heard an amazing series of crunching and popping sounds. I have a very high pain threshold, bordering on abnormal, and yet, there was no way I was going to move. So I laid on the floor and let my kids freak out.

Thankfully, high school home teams has blessed me with great relationships with amazing teens. I called one, Haley, to ask her if she was free to watch the kids while The Mr. took me to the ER and she wasn't, but she had another person, Carleen, on her way in a matter of minutes.

Blessed I am. Indeed.

Anyway, it turns out no bones appear to be broken. We'll just wait it out a week or so to see if there is any damage to tendons or ligaments or that sort of stuff. In the mean time, I'll be sporting my lovely boot and doing my level best to stay off it as instructed.

One Tiny Little Monday Morning Update

We received the offical ask this morning about Little One. Translation: We were asked if we were the official adoptive resource for him.

There are lots of little happy dances happening around here.

Now, about the bigger van, and the house expansion, and, and, and ... Ah, it's all good, God's got it.

Weekend Highlights

* blistering sunburn thanks to Saturday baseball
* using at least 4 of the jumbo size band aids on the same child
* giving in and turning on the air
* surviving an ant invasion
* fire pit
* most of the father's happy for most of Father's day
* moved the kids allowance into the neighbors house and their garage sale into ours
* pregnant rabid raccoon, 'nuf said
* thunder storms
* baby shoes still at church
* 2-3AM prime rocking chair time with captain teether baby
* mama got to cook--highlights at the end
* filled 4 or more trash bags from the kids rooms & play room, slow & steady
* front row seats to the neighbors remodel, landscaping looks great, new patio door today, free entertainment for the kids
* iced coffee
* watching TinkerBell with Little Miss while she wore her fairy wings & held her princess wand
* thinking ahead to 4th of July, anyone else see those Paula Dean chocolate chip cookie smores with grilled bananas??
* drove through the mini flood on Granview Friday night, took the long way home
* brainstormed about my parents 40th---in a few days!!! Yikes!

Okay, the food. Yesterday was steak on the grill, corn on the cob--all good right there, especially with a mostly male house! We had grilled veggies too, foil packet, red & yellow peppers & zucchini, olive oil, salt, pepper & fresh basil. So yummy. Mushrooms & sweet onions sauteed in butter, of course. Fresh salad of ripe tomatoes and avocados, just a little olive oil and salt, lots of fresh basil. Dessert was cheap generic fridge biscuits, baked with a little cinnamon on top. Cover them with this fruit mix. Four fresh peaches, sliced, chopped, whatever. Dump into a fry pan with a stick of butter, a bunch of honey, vanilla, ginger and cinnamon. When all bubbly and yummy pour over biscuits and top with fresh chopped mint. MMM MMM. Still thinking about those biscuits.

A big meal to be certain, but all very light. So we all felt full, but not rolly polly stuffed.

Bittersweet Birthdays

Today is the last birthday, at least for a while. Little One is one today. It's like all things foster care, bittersweet.

In a way, birthdays just are bittersweet for me. They are land marks in life. A time to stand back and see where you've been and where you're going. A moment in time to do an honest evaluation.

But for a foster child it's more. And less.

So today he turns one.

It's remarkable that he made it to one, such was his circumstance.

When I shopped for his birthday and planned for it, I wanted to be elaborate and over the top. I wanted to buy every last outfit and goodie that tweaked me. I wanted to get all the special things. I wanted to buy every toy and blankie and lovie there was. I wanted to spoil this Little One.

But, I know I can't. I know I shouldn't.

Part of my job, is to be a mama. That means being a real mama. Not just overdoing when my heart is aching on his behalf.

He visits with his family twice a week. But in between, there is silence. No phone calls, no card or letters. There are no pictures of siblings or birth parents. I don't know if they're thinking of him day and night or if he's simply something they do twice a week.

I don't know if his mama or daddy woke up this morning remembering the moments of his birth, their expectations of who he would be or thinking about the promise of his future. I don't know if they'll show up for their visits today or remember to bring presents. I don't know if he'll get a card or a cake or a birthday kiss from his siblings.

I do know that here, at this home, he'll get presents. The other kids have already hailed him as today's birthday king. He won't have a special birthday dinner with us because he'll be away on a visit and because he doesn't eat table foods yet. We won't have a special cake, but instead a giant bowl of pudding. Banana pudding. His favorite.

See, that's where the rub is. I know banana is his favorite. I've held him while he cut his teeth and had his PEG replaced with a Mic-KEY. I take him to the ER and to ENT and GI. I give him his baths and rock him to sleep. I come to his bed in the night when he cries. I've watched him learn to crawl and sit. I have counted as the baby steps have increased these last few days. It's 10 steps in a row if you must know. I know he likes his morning and evening bottles warm and the mid-day ones cold from the fridge.

There is no good way to wind this one up. I've been writing and erasing for a while now and there just isn't.

So happy birthday Little One, may you next year be better than this one.

Another Long Ramble on Relationships & Technology

So I've been thinking lately, and having some conversations that tweak me and have pushed me into yet another blog post on relationships. It's a favorite topic it seems.

Modern technology is squishing the world together. More specifically our personal worlds. In theory, my theory, that is, it's forcing us to adapt to a new level of authenticity in our lives. Or perhaps it isn't a new level at all, but a return to a level of being human that we once possessed long ago. Or not that long ago. Or maybe I have a habit of making life so much more interesting than it really is by over indulging my emotions.

Anyway.


Where I was going with this is someplace I've been before on this blog, but I'm far to lazy to search for it and link it up for you. I figure I don't go back and read the old writing very often so I'd bet that you never do either. And that's just fine. My stuff is often tied right to the moment and if you've missed the moment, well, then, the blog post is simply me talking to myself. Again. I'm totally okay with that. I think I hold up a great conversation all by myself. It comes out of being a nervous talker and a wordy writer and it keeps the other grocery shoppers at a distance when you mumble through the aisles.

So on to where I was going. This technology laden world is forcing us into being a whole lot more honest. It's taking away our boxes and neat little life categories.

And I, for one, LOVE that.

It's one thing I groove on the most. I'm an intense relationship junkie. Now, I don't mean that in an icky stalker sort of way. I mean it like this. One of the times I'm happiest in life and feel most validated or valuable as a human being is when I'm deep into some part of a relationship that takes a turn toward the intense. Not necessarily a push over into the realm of crisis, that can be far too much, but just walking that line of the intense.

I guess I'd try to describe it as being akin to the feelings of falling in love, except that isn't it. It's a phenomenon I first experienced after becoming a Christian. Or at least in that general time frame of my life, so that puts it roughly around a decade ago. It is that sensation of diving into another person, knowing them deeply.

I know, very fluffy and new age-y. Get over it.

Anyway, how that loops in here is this. All these new social online network things are making the worlds collide. Awkward, yet positive.

Here's what I mean.

In the past we were all able to keep our worlds in boxes and on shelves and separated. For example who you were in high school really kind of stayed in the halls of the high school when you left. Who you are at work is not necessarily who you are at home and isn't who you are at church and isn't who you are at the bar and, well you have the idea.

The thing is these social sites like Face Book and My Space are putting a wrench in that. It really isn't possible to maintain separate spots for work and friends and church or whatever. Past and present intercede. They all collide. So then you need to decide. Will you try to maintain being different people for different groups and locations or will you be the same person all the time in all situations.

Now, as a Christian, that's the general idea anyway, but a lot of people miss that point along with a whole host of other important details about being Christian. That's a different blog post.

But, because of general technology, everyone is being forced, in a way, to be more authentic.

And I LOVE it.

I really do. I think it's a capital pet peeve of mine. People who are playing the games and wearing the masks. People who are so uncertain of themselves that they are feeling the need to be one person in one place and another in other places. Now I'm not saying that behavior is exactly the same in all places. It would be foolish to think you could behave the same in a bar as in a church, but overall, you should be the same person in both locations.

Make sense?

Probably not. I'll try again. At work you would not reveal your most personal details of life, but you would be generally the same person at the office as you would while being social with your friends or home with your family. So if you wouldn't cuss with your co-workers or your family, why would you do it with your pals? You can be an honest version of yourself in all setting without making every exchange seem like a therapy session or just plain giving out way too much information. Clearer?

I bet not.

This is it in a nutshell folks, we have a tremendous opportunity in front of us because of technology and we're stupid not to embrace it. It is an opportunity to build real relationships with people we wouldn't normally allow into our circles for whatever reasons we can come up with. Now, I'm not saying that suddenly everyone in your office should become your best friend or that your church friends will love hanging out with your office group, but, there is opportunity. Opportunity to embark on a new journey. A chance to engage in relationships with people that just otherwise would not fall into the friend category.

And that is a GREAT thing.

It's easy to see why from the getting stand point, right? You could potentially make a bunch of new friends that are really fun and beneficial for you personally. But can you see something else here? It is a great opportunity to stop selling yourself short. It's a chance for you to be of value to someone else. More likely than you know, you have some sort of skill or personality trait that would be a tremendous benefit or blessing to another person.

I think in a way I've lost my point on this yet again, in it's meanderings, but you get part of the idea at least. Technology is a very cool thing when we're putting it to use for a purpose. Use it to your advantage, and to everyone elses too. It's such a wide and broad topic. There are so many directions to go with it, but still, don't blow it off because it's big. Start thinking about it. Start playing with it.

Sure, you'll make some blunders. We all do as we learn the right and wrong ways to navigate this techno-friendship enhanced world, but blunder on my friends, for I am confident that the wins will far out-weigh the embarrassments.