God, Guns & Gays

Stereotypes abound, and I couldn't resist.

Our American lives are constantly touched by violence of all kinds. Guns are just a small part of it. Just a brief Google search shows statistics of 90+ gun deaths a day in America.  Roughly 7 kids and teens per day.

By now we are all familiar with the Orlando gay nightclub shooting. Horrible no matter how you might feel about "the gays". That shooting alone was 50 deaths.

We hear all about how guns are safe and it is the person that kills not the gun. There is concealed carry and happy courses to go with it. The fiction is out there that we are protecting ourselves by having guns in our homes. It's our right. But it might not be right.

It is indeed our right.  It's also our right to pick our nose in public, scratch our crotch, or say out loud how fat and smelly someone is. Mostly we don't do those things though, social mores and all.

So far this year, 6 months in, more than 1000 people have died from "accidental" gunshots.

Gun shots have been close to home this week. My oldest, whom I can barely call Little Mr. anymore, has identified with the LGBT community for a while. The shots fired in Orlando hit very close to our home. He is almost to the age where a club like that would be the place he and his friends would go. It was another moment that took away more of his illusions of what America is like and how safe he actually is.

Gun shots have been too close to home.

I was in a home last week where a gun was unintentionally fired. A very real bullet when through a very real wall.  A wall very near to me.

Now, before you go off, pun intended, read the rest of the story.

I have quite a few friends both on Facebook and in real life that have guns. They have all done the courses of gun safety. They have the locked safe to keep the guns in. They shoot only at the range when sober. They follow all the rules, whether for hunting or personal use.

These friends are God fearing Christians and law abiding citizens. They aren't drunks or addicts or gamblers. They don't beat or cheat on their spouses. They are parent volunteers in classrooms and churches. They vote and sing the anthem with their hand over their heart. They care about kids, the elderly, puppies and Autism. They wear their seat-belts and try to eat their veggies.

These are good people.

Good people.

Yet a mistake was still made. A gun was fired. A bullet went through a wall. The gun shot smell rose up to our noses. Our ears rang. It was real.

The shooting in Orlando wasn't an accident. The shooter planned and did this on purpose, whatever twisted purpose he had.

All of this isn't so much to say we shouldn't have our guns. It's our right after all, as Americans. It is to say though, that somewhere along the line we, as an American whole, have made some sort of mistake. We worked very hard to become a nation united and yet now we spend most of our time and energy and money bickering and killing.

Perhaps our answers lie in this God thing, or maybe even in the Gay thing. Both sides, often against each other, usually say the same thing when you get right down to it. It goes something like, respect, forgive and love unconditionally.

Maybe it's as simple as guns could help us kill food. Beyond that, they aren't much good for anything but murder, death and war.

I think my new policy is more God, more Gays and a lot less guns.

Bang

And today, people disappoint me.

There was a shooting.  Obviously  The whole world knows and is watching and now, because it's a few hours old, debating.

Or at least that's what we do here, in America, on Facebook.

And yes, I am not better than that.

I entered into one of  those debates.  I thought about the comment all afternoon and could not resist sharing my opinion.  Even knowing it was a dissenting opinion and would get a little conversation going.

Sometimes I lack the self control to just let a thing lie.  Sometimes I feel like there should be a little conversation.  A little back and forth.  A little bit of "devils advocate" if you will, even when it's a highly loaded--gun pun intended--conversation.  Add in the God bit and yes, "devils advocate" indeed.

This tragedy is hours old.

The reality is, there are still parents throwing up trying to grasp the concept their child has been murdered.  The bodies probably aren't even cleaned up yet.  They're evidence after all.

Never mind that they're little people.

Dead little people.

Let's talk about guns.  Let's be smug about how concealed carry is the answer.

Because, don't you know, you foolish naive little twit, that a well trained person with a gun could have killed the killer and prevented the tragedy.

Let's not think about all the people we know going out and learning to shoot and getting guns to carry now that we can.  Let's not think about how many of those people can barely keep their emotions in check to have a quiet conversation about politics or parenting or religion.

We shouldn't at all think about the kids.  We shouldn't think about people.  Because killers aren't people.  They're killers.

Never mind that each time, it's unique.

It's interesting how many have said, well you know, the shooter wasn't a kid, he was 20-something and killed his dad at home.

You'd shoot your own child if you were trained and he was going to shoot you,

wouldn't you??

But now, I've just read he was 20.  Autistic.
Killed his mom at home, in her home, with her own gun.

I'm not so certain this sells me on concealed carry or weapons at home.

It doesn't seem like it worked out well.  She wasn't able to use her gun to stop that killer.  Her son.

Maybe I'm weak or stupid or something.  I can't see how we are "winning" here.

Now, shall we pull out the Christian card?  Some one point out to me the verses that say all that stuff about being ready to kill people on a moments notice.  I seem to over look the verses that say keep that gun on you at the ready at all time, in every moment to wipe out the enemy.

The enemy will surely be so clear that you won't be able to miss or make a mistake.  Be well trained with that weapon so you can kill those enemies.  They won't come disguised as your own child.

I really wonder what we are doing in this life as a people.

And no, I am in no way dismissing that it is beyond tragic that children were killed.  I don't have words for that.

I asked a teacher friend of mine today, does word of this take your breath away, because as a parent, knowing full well my children are really His children, it does mine...

True Colors

It seems that Facebook maybe a kind of litmus test, a strange kind of drunken my inhibitions are down and I'm gonna say what I really think or feel.

There was an election.  That's not news.  We've all been overloaded with it for a year now.  The last months Facebook has been a ridiculous place of children arguing and stomping their feet about how they are right and the other side couldn't possible have a grain of sand to stand on; everyone refusing to see the possibility that there could be other perspectives or that other perspectives do not equal evil perspectives.

It's a truth in life that people can hold different perspectives or opinions of the same subject and neither one of them is evil, completely wrong or doomed to either a living hell here in America or in eternity either.

As Christians we talk about our God.  A lot.  A God that is so much greater and bigger than anything we could ever entertain the possibility of comprehending.  We tout this.  We flaunt it.

Until their is something our small petty minds don't want to comprehend or understand.  Until there is something that went so far off the track we had planned and wanted that we declare it incomprehensible.

And then we declare it unGodly.

To me, that feels risky.  It's a little too close to the place where you tell God He is wrong or has made a mistake.  It doesn't feel safe to me to do that.

On the other hand, we say God gives us grace undeserved and unwarranted, unearned.  He forgives when we are mere humans and make mistakes, commit sins.

On that hand, we should be able to stand before God without fear and say, "Hey You, yes, You, You're doing it wrong!!"

The election is over.  I know, another news flash.

The drama on Facebook is not.

The children are back, still gnashing teeth and stomping feet.  Now there are tears and laments and accusations.  I read fear and worry over and over.

Didn't this same God tell us not to fear and worry?  Over and over in my Bible God tells us, do not be afraid, do not worry, do not fear.  He commands it.

I think this may be a little clue why so many have such less than positive feelings about Christians.

We use our Bibles like statisticians use their data.  Pick and choose, manipulate to make sure our point of view, our agendas are the "right" ones, the "supported" ones.

I think it makes Christians look stupid for lack of a better word.

Even the quieter Christians, running around with all the practiced catch phrases of "it doesn't matter who got elected, our God is still King" and all the variations of that, come across as somehow smug and less than genuine.

I remember reading in my Bible that we shouldn't be making a show of ourselves when we fast, but rather rub oil on our faces so our neighbors wouldn't think anything was out of the ordinary.  I remember reading not to pray in the streets and make show of this faith we claim, but rather close ourselves quietly in our prayer closet and pray.

Take this as you will, for you will after all, we are all a foolish, stubborn people.

Be Kind

Abuse is abuse. Period.

Abuse is all up in the news again these days.  There are a pack of nasty adults doing the unthinkable to kids.

As Christians we talk a lot about how sin is sin.  No sin is greater than the other.  There is no sliding scale, even though we like to see it that way.  It's our human nature it seems, to be bent on justification.  We are forever saying to ourselves, well, sure, I did xyz wrong, but it's not as bad as him because he did abc.

An abuser is a bully and a bully is an abuser.  It's all about power, no matter the "issue".

Maybe it's about race.  Maybe it's about your social status.  Maybe it's about your religion.  Maybe it's about your politics.  Maybe it's about your disease.  Maybe it's because you are challenged or handicapped in some way.  Maybe it's about your lover.

Abuse happens to adults and kids.  Sometimes it's physical, sometimes it's not.  Neglect counts.  Words count.  With holding love or support counts.  Abuse can look like a lot of different things, but you know it when you feel it.

We cannot discount each others experiences.  I cannot say to someone, well, your momma didn't beat you with an electric cord so you were never abused by the years of her saying you were stupid.  I can't say to a person, oh well, you weren't raped in the locker room, so enduring years of being called names wasn't abuse.  So what if your family didn't furniture or food because the money went to drugs or alcohol, that's not abuse because no one hit you and your body bears no physical scar.

Yes, they are different, but they are the same.

I don't want any of my kids to be bullied for any reason.  Not because they're short or fat or wear glasses or want a same sex partner or want to practice a non-mainstream religion.  I don't want them bullied because their eyes are slanted or their skin is brown or they are deaf.  I don't want them abused because they are Autistic or walk with a limp or have birth parents in jail.

Just as each one of us is made of a million and one unique distinctions, that leaves us a million and one "reasons" to judge and bully.

Be kind to each other.

Perspective is Everything

I'm struggling a little with today's NaBloPoMo blog prompt because it feeds who I used to be and I don't like to go there. 

The prompt is "What are you not a fan of?"

I used to be a big whiner and complainer.  I was always looking at everything from it's worst possible angle.  I was a huge worrier, read obsessive, about everything, whether or not I had any control over it or not.

I don't know that I'd go so far as to call my self an optimist yet, but I have a good handle on negative in my life and how it effects me and so on.  I know that I can't give weight or energy to complaints or potential negatives in my life.  It eventually destroys my perspective and drives a wedge between God and I. 

I don't like being in that place.  I don't like feeling the discontent. 

I do still take a real good, honest look at things and, in a way, plan for the worst.  I do that because it takes the burden out of it.  It takes the worry away. 

So I take something, like for example, a trip.  I think through, briefly, what I would consider "bad" things that could happen and then I make a plan for how I'm going to handle that.  Like say, it's a long road trip with kids.  I think ahead and plan for boredom, fighting, and sickness.  Then when those things happen, I'm not surprised or caught off guard by them.  Because I have a little bit of a plan for them and because I was in a small way expecting them, they don't carry the weight and stress as if they had simply blindsided me. 

I use this approach in most of my life for most of everything.  It helps me to cope and stay calm.

I also know that if I dwell in the negatives, the situation eventually becomes way worse than it ever should have. 

Here's what I mean by that. 

A long time ago, I was unhappy in life.  I was in circles of people who were generally miserable and negative.  They had horrible attitudes and opinions of the people and events in their lives.  They hated their jobs.  They hated their financial situation.  They hated their spouse and kids.  When ever they talked about any of these things, every single thing they said was a negative or a complaint.  I was saturated in it.  They were my friends.  Their words influenced my thoughts and soon, I was just like them.

Every time I spoke about my job or money or my marriage, I said only negative things.  It didn't take long for that to poison me and cloud my view.  Every hour at work became a torture because all I could see was negative all around me.  I wasn't paid enough.  I did jobs that "weren't mine" to do.  Too much was expected of me.  The people I worked with were jerks.  They didn't do their jobs right.  They got more than they deserved.  The customers were even worse, selfish, demanding, rude.

In my marriage, I never saw the good in The Mr.   I only saw the negative of the long hours, the travel.  I saw all the places he didn't think of me by not meeting some need I never told him of.  He never did the things I wanted him to do, like the dishes, because I never asked, but I just added it to the long list of ways he was failing me or not loving me. 

That line of thinking is poison.  It destroys.  It brings discontent.  It left me bitter and mean with everyone around me and with myself. 

I didn't have any grace.

For anyone.

Including myself.

It was a horrible place to be, but I learned some hard lessons there that I will not forget and that brings me back around to the writing prompt.

The focus of today was to write about things you are not a fan of.  Well, I don't want to.  I don't want to dwell on all the little slights and hurts of my days.  They are dull and fleeting.  I don't want to give energy to even the biggest negatives in my small little slice of this life. 

I want to see the beauty in the dark rainy day.  I want to find joy in the sun peeking out from behind the clouds.  I want to discover the humor in driving my son to school on his last day barefoot in my pj's.  I want there to be delight under the dust bunnies.  There is blessing in the overfull schedule.  There is honor in being "needed" by so many.  I want to see the love through the disagreeable words and cranky moments, it comes through clearly in the moments of resolution.

I want to always be checking and seeing and taking note of where God is in my ordinary.

And so today, I have done the daily blog.  I have in a way touched on the topic.  I will not though, give you a list of things I'm not a fan of.

I guess the short of it all is that for me, perspective is everything.

Meet me in the comments and tell me how you keep yourself from falling prey to all the never ending negatives around you.

2 Quotes 4 The Morning

nice girls don't change the world....lynne hybels

"The best thing I ever did was tiptoe out of isolation and join the circle of women. We need to choose to believe we are all in this together. We need to accept and honor our own lives so we can accept and honor each other's lives. When we do this, when we help one another, cheer one another on, call one another to our truest and highest selves, we become a powerful force for good--for God--in this world." (emphasis mine) pg 86

cold tangerines....shauna niequist

"When I think about how God make us to live, when people talk about true community or true intimacy, I think of them, this lovely, bizarre group of teenage girls who came over unannounced and never left when they were supposed to, who let me into their fears and their secrets, and cared about my fears and my secrets. They loved me with a force that I think only comes with youth, a wide and fierce and expressive force, and I loved them with that same love, because being with them let me live like I was young.
They uncovered something good in me that had started to get crusted over by grown-up life and dress pants and mortgage payments. They taught me more than I ever taught them, and they gave me more than I ever gave them, and the best things they gave to me were ten gorgeous examples and all the permission in the world to love with that wide-open love, unmeasured and uncalculated, like a puppy in a box with all of her puppy-friends, right up close to them, feeling warm and safe." emphasis mine pg 35

Words to how I often feel about relationships and how if we're really following the command to love one another and we're getting it right, it's a breath taking dance to behold and to be a part of.

Don't Stop Now

Again with the prayer thing?

Why yes, again.

We're in that stretch where life is piling up, it's hard.

It's the waiting part of praying and having faith.

I cannot focus and so this will sound list-ish.

A concussion is not something you bounce back from quickly. In fact, being the parent of the concussion is a bit unnerving. The symptoms are enough to make you uneasy. Littlest Mr. is not himself. The simplest task is suddenly a challenge. His personality has taken a sharp shift. It is hard not to have concern that these will be long term consequences of playing a game he loved.

There are other consequences from this head hit too. Will he be able to come back at all this season? Is it wise for us to let him even play this sport again? Will it shake his lion heart? Should we push our Disney trip out further? Could we do more damage to him by letting him ride rides already in November?

I am simultaneously holding two seemingly opposite things in my head right now with Little One.

I cannot seem to reconcile or make peace with the idea that God will allow these 2 men to be the parents of these 3 kids. In my mind it doesn't seem possible that this could be God's will for these kids, regardless of whether they end up with me.

At the same time, they're likable, decent guys. They're doing a pretty good job with the siblings, especially considering they went from no kids to 2 school age kids overnight. That's a hard thing for anyone. And on paper, right now, it looks like there is no hope of anything but Little One going there.

I cannot definitively say we are the best home. I have a pile of reasons why we are, but there are a pile of reasons why he should go too.

I'm sticking my head in the sand on practical matters. I'm ignoring the time ticking away when it comes to sorting out his toys from ours and packing his clothes and so on.

I'm allowing the garbage talk to creep into my mind about all the to do's that are sliding, like my homework, my house work, my house projects and my home organizing. I've let my hair go, skipped my make up more days than I have in years and years and have enjoyed far to many bites of chocolate. I'm short tempered, short on sleep and patience.

I'm keeping appointments and going to meetings and even taking some time out with friends for the sake of sanity, but on the same hand, feeling guilty for missing a single minute with Little One and feeling the pull to hover over the recovery of Littlest Mr. With Little One it's that need to squeeze in enough of everything to last him the rest of his life just in case and yet simultaneously knowing in a matter of months, maybe even just a few short weeks we won't even be a distant memory.

It can't be sugar coated. That's really life and really how it is. And in a way, it's probably a bit of a blessing for him if he can't remember us after he's gone.

So I'm praying. A lot. For God to shake the foundations in this case. I need Him to do whatever it takes to make His will for these kids happen. At the same time, I need to have some sort of understanding or peace or some way to navigate what happens when there is no "miracle" and Little One moves on exactly as the court papers say he will. I'm praying for a bit of release from the guilt I'm feeling as I look around my life and see all the things that are happening as we've begun to pray in earnest for an about face in the case.

We're praying for the unthinkable and all around us things are going haywire. The kids got sick. Littlest Mr. got a huge injury. A car broke. Things in the house broke. People really close to us and really praying hard on our behalf are having major medical things happen in their families...to their kids. It is unthinkable that we should ask, no beg, for them to continue to pray on our behalf. The risks... An organization we are involved with is coming unglued in a weird way.

What can I say? If you don't believe, this is the mere grabbing at straws of a woman on the edge of loss, if you do believe, right now you have goosebumps at the force of the attack.

Cars

So I've got this thing about cars, and it's getting worse. Blame it on the years I spent working at dealerships, but I have issues.

Then again, maybe it's money issues. Or maybe it's really about gratitude or generosity or greed or pride.

Maybe I just have issues.

Expensive cars make me crazy. Really crazy. Like almost distracted while driving crazy.

I've never owned a really expensive fancy car. I've had a lot of practical cars, some on the more expensive end, but definitely not new or fancy. There are no perks or gizmo's on the bus is what I'm saying.

Why does a cool car drive me nuts?

It's not that I don't appreciate the beauty of a cool car. I do. I really, really do. I enjoyed my days at the dealerships, driving around in those brand new Cadillacs and sports cars. I did. It was fun. They're cool cars. No doubt about it.

It's the money tied to it that kills me.

When I see an amazing car driving down the road and I get a mental number of what that car cost, I start shaking my head. Know why?

Because I'm thinking, "Really?"

"Really?"

"That was the best thing you could think to do with a chunk of money that big?"

Pick a charity and give away half of it. I don't care what charity you pick. Save a penguin, lobby for greener greens or wetter water or feed a few hundred kids. Whatever. It just seems insane to me, that a person would intentionally take that huge pile of cash and dump it into a vehicle.

I know. I get it. The same can be said of our lattes and improve-your-butt-tennis-shoes, our colored hair and whitened teeth. We drop our dollars on diet food when we could just eat things that don't come in packages--you know, like fruits and veggies.

Ahem.

We're all guilty of it. I drop dollars in places that I feel guilty about later. I look at my life and feel ashamed of how little I do and how little I give. It's easy to climb on my justification tower and say, but I am doing this or that.

Yeah. Whatever.

I'm thinking it's all going to sound pretty lame when I start to stutter in front of the King.

Can I get an Amen here?

But back to my point about the cars, can I just ask a simple favor?

If you're out there, driving one of those super fantastic, awesome convertibles on an Indian Summer afternoon in a temperate climate, could you at least put the top down and look like you're reveling in every last second of it? Would it be to much to ask you to put a smile on your face?

Nothing wastes a hot car like a driver mad at the world.

Scars Are Like Tattoos With A Better Story

And this is where you earn your chops or as The Mr. says, where we get our street cred as foster parents. This is the part that they gloss over in the endless hours of training.

There is no pretty answer. There is no right.

Today the mail person came to my door. Never a good sign. I had to sign for a summons.

Again. Not a good sign.

It's a hearing to make official in court the change of placement for Little One. We will go to court in early October, probably never get the opportunity to say a single word, and hear the judge order him to be moved from our home to his uncle's home. It will be almost exactly 2 years. 2 years and 9 days.

In those 2 years we have taken a little person who was a barely surviving little lump of baby to a thriving all-boy 2 year old toddler complete with attitude, sense of humor and definite likes and dislikes.

In less than a month I will try to explain this and have it make sense, not only to myself, but to every person connected to us, why this little person will move on to another home.

I want to pitch my own tantrum right now, but in between crying and throwing up, I don't have the time. I have to get him ready to go.

And in a way, this isn't a bad solution. We've known it's been a possibility for a very long time. He will be with his siblings and his extended family. He will be able to maintain a relationship with his parents. This isn't a fail.

But it doesn't make it easy.

I will sort through the toys and books and clothes and movies to separate his from ours. Again.

I will take more pictures and movies and fill up his book and mine. I will hope and pray that we will remain more than a fuzzy hopeful feeling in his life. I will hope his "new" family will allow him to keep his photo book from his years with us. I will hope that they'll allow him some sort of contact with us, but I know what reality is.

I will take a family, short one member, to Disney this fall and we will all be enjoying it, but remembering the one who is most obsessed with Mouse. We will wonder what the look on his face would have been upon seeing Mouse up close and personal. We'll have our Halloween wondering what he's dressing up as and our Christmas buying a few less gifts.

We will not be bitter.

We will take more kids in.

Our hearts will break again.

And again.

And again.

But dear friends, if my heart doesn't tear from this than I'm doing it all wrong. If I don't love this child, or any child placed with me as if it were my own and mine forever, I'm doing all of us a disservice.

I will get to the other end of this journey and wonder how I've managed to walk so much of the path without my bestie. I never thought the silence would be this long and the ups and downs have been so much more than I've shared and there have been so many moments that I thought, oh no, I cannot do this alone. I cannot walk this path and yet I have.

No, that's not a God thing. This is an earthly thing I'm whining about. God has been there more than you could imagine as we've taken this journey with this Little One.

Besides, I prayed, just last night about this particular situation. I prayed for Little One to have his situation resolved soon according to His will for him, not my own wants and by noon today, I sat on my sofa, summons in hand.

Be careful what you pray for. You might indeed receive it.

I did not cry in front of Little One's therapy person as I read the summons.

Most likely I will not cry in front of you. Nor will I entertain much small talk or God cliches about this situation. I don't want platitudes. I don't want to hear what a great thing it was he had those 2 years with us. I don't want to hear much of anything.

I don't want to hear how I signed up for this heart ache and took my family along for the ride.

Sincerely, if I'm alive, really alive, and living the way God has called me to live (notice I said me, not you) than big parts of this will sting. Life is hard and bittersweet if you're really living it.

I don't want a life that's all cotton candy and rainbows. It's great to have good times and easy times, but I don't grow much in them and I don't serve many people in them. I'm not bone tired and soul weary at the end of those days. To have some is to have some refreshment, but to live a whole life of easy and happy, seems to me that I'm living on the surface and ignoring so much.

There is so much more to say and yet, it's all words, meaningless words.

I could rattle away and try to explain, but the thing is, I still have a homework deadline to meet. There is still football practice and youth group and a hubby on the other side of the country to deal with.

Life does not stand still just because we receive a blow.

This God Thing Is Convicting

I told you I'd come back with a thought. It's not really my thought though, this is God's deal.

In between all that fun stuff, I've been reading. I'm reading Crazy Love and The Bible. Probably shouldn't be reading them both together if I'd like to keep on living my life the regular comfortable way, you know, without continual conviction.

So, anyway, here's a little bit from my quiet time this morning.

I sat down this morning to have some quiet time with the Lord and my mind was full. I was thinking about Little One and all my messed up feelings about him going and sort of half selfishly hoping he'll stay even though I really want what God wants and well, you know. Then I was thinking about the story I wrote and the prize and what stories come next and what the future could be and well, you know.

I read 1 Samuel 15. This is the chapter where Saul gets rejected by God as the King. The key is that Saul only half listens to what he's told. Samuel does a great job of telling Saul exactly what God wants him to do. Saul only follows part of the instructions. Then when he gets busted for it, he has the nerve to ramble on and on, trying to justify his disobedience.

Funny, that hits pretty close to what I'm reading in Crazy Love too. This idea that disobedience is rebellion and that we're only partially doing what God asks of us. Yeah, well, you know.

Back to 1 Samuel. So here's the key verse in my mind right now.

"But Samuel replied: Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king." 1 Samuel 15: 22-23

It leaves me thinking about how often we all obey in the way we want to obey, not in the way that we are asked. It also left me thinking about how often we justify our partial obedience with really lame excuses. I mean we love thinking how important we are and how great our lives are or how important our work or ministry might be, but really, compared to GOD, we're not much.

It got me thinking too, about what would life be like if we all really truly obeyed. It even made me wonder what I've been rejected from because of my disobedience. What are the things that God wanted me to be for Him that I never had the opportunity to become and experience because I chose to half heartedly obey and then add to it some lame excuse.

God, Gays, Little Kids & My Heart

I'd love to tell you the back story to all this, but thanks to foster care having rules much like the confidentiality in medicine (and with good valid reasons) I can't.

Suffice it to say, The Mr. and I have been having some interesting conversations these days.

I'll give you the briefest of outlines, let you fill in your own blanks and hope you get to thinking about life and what you believe you know and what you believe you believe.

• The Mr. and I, Bible believing Christians
• Personally, I think a sin is a sin, nothing has more weight than anything else in God's eyes. He's told us what to do and what not to do and we each have our sins that we're guilty of and we will each work it out with Him.
• I don't want to be the sort of person who goes around telling other sinners how and where they're wrong or how they ought to get it together. Ought is an ugly word.
• I don't know that I've ever been at the point of condemning homosexuals. They are people who want to be in loving relationships too, just like us. I am not going to tell a person they cannot have their hope for a life long love.
• I want the "solution" for Little One and his sibs to be the one that really is in the best interest of the child.
• Sometimes the solution that is the best isn't the one I'd like or choose. But that alone doesn't make it wrong.
• Sometimes the best solution is not a family that looks like mine, but instead one that keeps all the extended family ties and one that keeps a sib group together.
• Now, even though it seems to go "against" the "right" I find I'm cheering for the "wrong".
• I know what the Bible says. I've read it front to back personally, just so I could really know what it says, but I also know about a living God and a personal relationship with Him. I know that I am not judge and I know that I am charged with the goal of loving everyone, my enemy, my neighbor, the sinner and the righteous.
• I want these two men to have as long and successful, healthy, happy, loving relationship as possible. I want them to be supported by their friends, family and community, especially as they raise these 3 little people that I've come to love dearly over the last 2 years.
• So I wonder, all you smart, perhaps smug, uber-Christians, what is the answer?
• I know I can't go condemning "them", in fact, I find myself praying for them and their family.
• I'm guessing it's a lot easier to be Christian when life is crisp and clean and black and white.
• Wait, I know it was. When I led my life with all the Christian lingo and going through all the motions of doing the right things, it was easy. I was quick to see who and what was right and wrong. Now that life is so complicated and muddy, I can't seem to see the right and wrong line in the sand.
• What I do see is what God whispers in my heart. Trust in me and I will make the path. Do not worry. Do not be afraid. Let those without sin throw the first stone. Pride before the fall. See how I loved you? Now love others as I have shown you. Love your enemy. Love your neighbor.
• I have no answers and often I can't see any farther down my path but the next step.

Now, I admit, this is one of my least readable posts to you all, but on the other hand, there is a lot to process and it's pretty hard to make it clear and have it not be a 1000 page book. Besides, it's a little brain buster, a little Friday afternoon get your mind working and your opinions flowing.

What's your take on all this? I'd really love to know. So go ahead, fill up the comment boxes, let's get a little conversation happening here!