One of the greatest frustrations in my life is also part of the blessing of it all. My days and nights are so very crowded with the people I am in relationships with. They energize me and yet exhaust me. I cannot be without them. I thrive in a certain level of social interaction, but just the same, the emotional ups and downs lately and the full calendars are a weight.
The to do list is excruciatingly long. It happens at this time of the year. School is around the corner. A little different prep scene for the homeschooler. I also have The Little Miss under my care. As another court date approaches for her, I find myself with additional paperwork and arrangements to work out. The court dates also bring on some things to think through. Better to do it than let it slide for later, but just the same, it's there. The Mr. has a bit of a travel stretch ahead as well. All of this is OK, none particularly bad.
It just takes up some of my time and distracts my mind. I have a tremendous jumble of thoughts going on in my head right now. There is so much pent up writing to be doing and yet I can hardly get enough uninterrupted time to make a grocery list or take a shower. It is my life and to a certain extent I've chosen it to be this way. That doesn't make it any less frustrating. I'd cut more sleep to write, except that I'm already at the limit of what little sleep I can get by on.
It is a frustration. In the earlier years I had plenty of time to write. I just had nothing to say. I had lived so little life, loved so little, learned so little, the time was wasted. Now when I feel like even if I don't have anything really profound to contribute the world, at least I'd like to have some time to sort it out for myself.
It will come. In the mean time, I'll keep filling up notebooks and scrap papers, keep stuffing them into the diaper bag and piling them up on the counter. I'll keep making the notes and thinking the thoughts. One day it will be quiet in my world, and then I'm betting I'll be missing the noise.
It simply takes organization and discipline to get to where I'm going. It's been a long journey these past 20 years, but I've come a long way from the flighty girl I once was.