A few days ago I was posting about songs that bring me to tears, some times, though, it isn't the songs, just the life I'm living in.
For the most part, I have very few dark days, but when they're dark, they're really dark.
It seems that when God feels the need to speak to me it is giant sized instead of small and gentle. Perhaps I just don't pay attention well.
All in all, my stuff is small and silly. Some of the places I where I tune in to other peoples lives, the level of tragedy is beyond what I can imagine a human being enduring, and yet I'm still able to see God in the tears. Utterly amazing.
Somehow, though, when it is you that is being broken, it is hard and raw even if the reasons are petty.
It is always startling to be faced with your own failures. It is always daunting to look at and try to think through. It is always painful to accept, even when you see clearly that it is for your own good.
As my heart breaks these days over my own garbage, I'm trying to look out and see the sun. I'm trying to catch a glimpse of how this will be for His glory, how He will use it. I want to see something besides myself. I want to feel something else.
I am not pathetic, and yet I miss the days of friends.
I am a social person and I miss having those contacts. It is hard to go places and be known, but still know no one. I miss my small group from years ago. Even when I went to be with my fellow moms and I just couldn't give voice to the things deepest in my heart, they could see, somehow my aches and were able to pray for me and with me. They were able to just simply be with me.
It is hard to be alone.
I know that I am not alone from Him. But it is still hard to be alone from people.
I miss having real phone calls or silly chats. I miss running into people who are real friends or even just pals. I miss the cups of coffee and safe spots in life.
Today, perhaps only for just an hour or two, I am drowning, I am lost and broken.
I know there is light. I know I'm on the path. I know all this will be redeemed and used. I know this will be a part of who I am in the end and yet while I'm in it, it's harsh.
My reality is this life I'm living. I need to find the ways to accept it for EXACTLY what it is and not all the things I wish it to be or hope for it to become.
It is seeing that a huge part of my life these days is simply "taking it" while still showing grace and love to all those "giving it" to me.
I know it will come. I know I will have it provided at the very moments I need it.
2 comments:
Dear Jen,
I have gone thru those times when I was lonely for friends too.
It is very hard.
(It seemed that every time I made friends, they moved away.)
It's no fun being in the fire.
I say, "But, I don't like the fire." :o)
But I do know you will shine and reflect His glory all the more when you are thru it.
Love,
Donna
Kind words Donna. Thank you.
I have the make great friends & someone moves syndrome too. My siter-in-law says it happens that way so that you remain dependant on God and spouse, not friends. Still...
Then there's the fire. Yup. I hate being in it, I whine it's too hot and yet I know it does it's job.
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