people

A long time ago I fancied that I could read people by looking at them, by watching them. It was as if I took enough care and watched them closely enough, I could know things about them.

Perhaps it was a sort of obsessive thing. I like to think of it as a writerly thing. That I am just an intense observer. That I don't "know" things about people, but I can make pretty good guesses.

In a way, I take them into a world in my head and play them through scene after scene to judge which would be the most authentic reactions for them in the different scenes. Then there are the reactions I would want them to have if I were the one in control.

When I write, I am the one in control. I get to play it forward and back until the tension in each scene is just perfect.

The glitch is reality. Sometimes I hesitate in real life because of this weird personality quirk I possess. There are times when I wait to take action in a situation because I am simply not sure if what I see is really real, or just one of my scene plays being more lively than it should.

Couple this with my need for personal relationships, and it can be disaster. Many of my people needs are met easily by having a rather large group of somewhat close aquaintances. I get a good amount of chating time in my daily adventures and that satisfies a great deal of my need.

There is a lingering people need though, that I have a hard time placing a finger on or putting words to. It is captured in the eyes. We have small talk all the time, quite plesant chatter, in fact. But yet, almost daily I see a look, I feel a hesitation in the conversation. It has made me pause and wonder. Is it real? Is it there? Have I imagined this moment and made this person more than they are? Is there really something else they want to say to me and what makes them hesitate? If I ask what it is, or approach this risk, will I be the one to look the fool? Will I just be hanging myself out as a nut? But what if I wait, and it never happens? What if they are waiting for me to be the brave one and say the thing or take the risk?

The land of what if can be utterly paralyzing.