I Don't Know How To Do This

These days there are questions in my house that I can't answer, from 2 to 18.

Why is God letting, making, not stopping all these crazy things from happening to my family?

Is my brother going to die?

Is he going to be OK?

God planned this, right?

The doctor can fix this right?

The medicine will make it better right?

What is leukemia?

I'm walking through these days with my heart in my throat and and a prayer on my lips, Lord, I don't know how to do this? I just don't know how to do this?

This family has endured much in the last year. Adoption. A child with multiple serious illnesses. Surgery for dad. Surgery for big brother. Stitches. Brain disorder. Head on collision. Another car accident. Traffic court. This just barely scratches the surface.

And here I sit, wondering how to do it, mostly alone over the next few days or weeks with 6-7 kids under my care. How silly for me to focus there.

And yet it is as if I can't walk closer to God on this because the thing is so very raw and my mind is consumed with the worst. How can I go there?

Right now, with all those little eyes looking to me, I can't feel those things or sort them through.

I will walk by faith
even though I cannot see

isn't that how the song goes?

walk by faith even though I can't see

Right now, I can't seem to see.

I honestly woke up in my bed this morning and thought I'd had a dream. Then I started hearing kids. I realized I wasn't dreaming at all. There really were 7 little people here in my house.

We will do this, and do it well.
We will walk by faith.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
The path is there
behind the fog
I feel it to be so
even though I see darkness instead of light.