It Never Ends The Way You Think It Will

My day started out slow and sleepy, or maybe that was just me. I really was sleepy. Wait. I still am.

It's just that somewhere in the middle of the day, I got a little boost, and I don't think it was the Diet Coke, although, I'm sure that helped a little.

I had been thinking I'd finish my carpet tomorrow when Little Miss has a visit. I thought today would be to hard with the interruption of her therapy appointment. Well, that got cancelled. Then my friend said she could come over tomorrow morning to help my white walls.

All of a sudden, I was thinking carpets again, in a now or never sort of way. So off I went moving chairs and lamps. Next thing I know, it's time to pick up the boys from camp.

When I get there, they are beat, in a really good sort of way. Their instructor, who we all love, says, hey, did you know the boys are going to test tonight for their high green belts?

Ugh.

Nope, didn't know.

Scramble a new play here.

Now we're not going home to hang out and cool down before baseball practice, no, not us. We're going to run like chickens with our heads on the floor to eat some sort of dinner, get all our junk in the van and get to baseball practice. As soon as practice ends, we're going to run to Tae Kwon Do and test for the next belt. Pil-Sung.

Good thing the kids will eat PB&J 3 times a day if need be and Tae Kwon Do takes MasterCard!

In between there, we got the mail. Not normally a big event in our house, other than it means a short walk across the street. Well, today, it really was a big deal.

My mailbox was full of court papers. We have a date for the beginning of the end for Little Miss.

Now, this comes with both joy and heartache.

Joy, because she may be able to have a forever family with us sooner that we thought. Joy because it means soon the stress in her life will ease. Soon she'll be able to sleep and eat. Soon she'll stop hurting herself. Soon it will be all better.

The reality, though, is that it won't.

It won't ever really be all better. This mommy isn't ever going to be able to make everything alright.

There is another side to this "happy ending" in her life. The other side is parents who aren't pulling it together. Parents who are going to loose their child forever. I'm telling you, even if they are not stellar parents, even if they do things we get really upset about, they are still parents. In what ever capacity they have, they love their child, and now they will loose her forever.

Even worse, someday, she will want to know all about it.

This is like a timed release pain pill, only it will give out pain, a little dose at a time over the years to come.

Now tonight, I'll work at crafting a letter to her mom, asking for keepsakes for Little Miss. No easy task to write this, but my part is easy.

For just a moment, imagine yourself as her mom. You know you have just a few days left to gather together all the pictures and notes and mementos you would want her to have over her lifetime. Think how it must be to know, yes she knows, that you have only a few hours time left with this child of yours, to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her you will always love her, because she will always love her daughter. Think how she is feeling to know that every last second she has with her child, she will be watched, people will take notes and judge her.

Can you imagine anything harder than this?

I'm not sure I can.

Simply by the grace of God, I'm on this side of it.

Simply by grace.

Praise God, for heartache and joy.