Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Backward and Forward All At Once

It's one of those sort of days.

I don't feel all that grounded. I think it has to do with the MR. When he travels, I'm less solid somehow. I still do all the regular stuff and sometimes more because there are extra jobs that need to be taken care of, and yet, I'm just less when he's away.

We've had a difficult stretch with school start up this year. It's hard to get into a pattern or rhythm. It can only be that and nothing so strict. I think a lot of the adjustments are happening inside my own mind. I'm always working at that happy medium. I want us to be learning and working at learning to learn and loving to learn, but not being so neurotically focused on it that we scare people or make ourselves insane. I don't want to exasperate my kids. I don't want to be a screaming shrew. I don't want to be their best friend or playmate either. I still need to be the person in charge and the parent.

Somehow there is a balance there, but it's difficult to hit and sometimes I think the added pleasure and burden of home school can make it harder to hit, but that's the goal. I'm trying to have more peaceful, easy, joy filled, happy days, than miserable, punishment filled hours. That's my goal.

Mostly it's selfish. I want to be a gentle joy filled encouraging spirit with my kids. I want to be loving them with my words and my actions, not just planning on them knowing I love them simply because my name is Hey Mom.

These are also the days, though, that pull at me. It's fall. The most beautiful time of the whole year here in this part of the country. The weather is wonderful and it seems like all is right with the world even when it's not.

I end up feeling so completely content with my life as it stands and yet nostalgic in a silly sort of way. I love to bring out all the old music. I love to hear from all the old friends and reminisce about days gone by.

It is a season when I'm happy with myself. I like how I look and I feel fine. It seems like all things are possible. The dark dead of winter is far away with the wool sweaters. I have a new scent for myself and can almost see God tweaking things all around me.

As a side note, there is no news on baby boy. He may not come here after all. My last knowledge of him was that he was admitted to the hospital. He may still be there. If he is released he may still come here or he may be placed with another foster family, especially if one can be found that can take the whole sibling group.

And so I feel as flighty as the birds these days. They seem to be flying all around in circles. Some days are warm and summer like, others are tinged with a winter cold. They aren't sure if they should fly or stay put.

Fall is like that for me. I love exactly where I'm at, and yet it's fall. There is a restlessness and wanderlust that just follows me around during the days and nights of this season. But far and away, everything about this season is my absolute favorite for this brown eyed girl.

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