Seems I got ahead of myself yesterday.
Late in the afternoon Little One pulled all the tape off his NG tube. It's a lovely plastic/rubber tube/hose that is half outside his body and half inside using the nose as the entry way. One of our big goals since bringing him home was to make sure the tube stayed in. We've been pretty careful with it and trying hard to keep it taped down well.
After he pulled all the tape off, The Little Mr. and I did a little team work, held him down and taped away. We thought we did well and all was secure.
Fast forward a little. At bed time we had a very cranky toddler. Little Miss is getting her molars and has a bad cold. This meant lots and lots of tears and comforting. In between her cycles of crying and dozing, Little One would have a coughing fit due to the same cold and his other issues of not having control of his saliva. You can imagine how my night went. I almost considered not putting on jammies and trying to lay down, but instead just changing clothes for the next day and staying awake.
Coffee this morning was critical.
We made it through the night feedings. We had one bigger spit up, but no big issues. Then the morning feeding came around or more accurately came back. Vomiting with a tube in your nose is not pretty or fun.
Around the time I got done panicking about the vomit, our visiting nurse came by. Good news, the boy continues to gain weight. Honestly, you can tell just by looking at him, he's plumping up quite nicely. Shortly after she left, in the middle of some lovely sibling insanity, he pulled his tube right out of his nose!
I returned to panic mode!! Now I start making phone calls all over the place to determine what I'm supposed to do. The plan was that the tube would never get pulled out and some medical person would change it when necessary.
A wonderful nurse at Children's basically said, we have confidence you're the kind of mom that can do it, so give it a try.
It's hard to know for certain, but I think I've done it right. I believe that his meals are hitting his belly and he seems to be pretty content.
I, on the other hand, am jittery, jumpy, exhausted and being way too short with my other kids. I know the "crisis" is over, but I'm having a hard time coming down from it and regaining a measure of peace in our house. I'm looking back over my afternoon and again seeing too many angry expressions on my face and sharp words coming out of my mouth at little people who are simply reacting to and reflecting their mama's mood.
It's the same sin all the time. Self-control. In my mind, almost all of the sins come back to self-control. Think about it, gluttony is self-control, right? How about envy? It's a lack of self-control over our thought life. Jealousy? Same thing. Stealing? Murder? Adultery? Anger. Arguing. Lying. Laziness. Cheating. Gossiping. They're all about self-control aren't they.
So, at the end of today, I'm not thrilled with things. More clearly, I'm seeing my own failures and lack of self-control. Yeah, I managed to do this crazy medical thing all by myself, inserting an NG tube through his nose, down to his belly without causing major damage, but so what. Big deal. The really big deal things, like using kind words with my kids or being slow to anger, I just failed. It's hard when you fail with fellow adults, but it's doubly hard when you fail your kids.