I Feel A Rebellion Coming On

As 40 creeps up on me, and yes, it's creeping as evidenced by my answers in open court. Yeah, you guessed it, I didn't really know my own age. I never really say it out loud. It's not a vanity thing, it's just a sort of sliding reality thing. See in my mind, or my soul maybe, I'm both old and young at the same time.

In a way, I'm stuck somewhere in my 20's. I just don't really feel like I could be closing in on 40. It's not really a real possibility. That much time could not possibly have passed. On the other hand, I've gained a lot in the 30's and not just weight. I've learned a lot, grown a lot, in good ways.

So it was a little shock to have to announce my actual age in open court. And to have to sort of guess if I was right or not. Talk about how to look stupid. That I'm actually really good at doing, looking stupid.

Reality is, 40's coming, like it or not. And truly, I'm neutral about it. Go back to the top where I say that my actual real age is a sort of fuzzy thing in my mind. Most of my life landmarks are not tied to a birthday. I guess that's just how I live.

Lately, I've been noticing a rebellion brewing.

No, not the kids, although I am the reigning "Meanest Mom Ever" so perhaps if given the proper motivation, they will get to it. Right now they're too busy with their regular life. You know, things like skateboarding in the snow, rolling in the mud or feeding the dog peanut butter just to watch her try to get it off the roof of her mouth.

No, this rebellion is going to be my own.

I'm not talking about the sort of rebellion where you drive 90 because you like to can. Or the sort of rebellion where you abandon your faith or your standards or anything like that.

Oh wait, it just dawned on me. Maybe this is just a mid-life crisis, except I'm not in mid-life, at least not in my mind, and I'm not in crisis. I guess I'll stick with rebellion.

It's been coming to light for me more and more lately as I've realized that I'm finally in a stage of life where other people really can't make the rules for me anymore. They can try, and be sure they really will. Peer pressure is just as strong in the middle age mommy world as it was at 15 in the land of high school. Some things never change.

It's realizing the little things. I really can wear what I like. Yeah, I know, my style is quite dull, that's okay though. But it was big for me to realize that I didn't have to wear a dress and hose in winter in Wisconsin just because I was going to court to adopt my daughter. I could have worn jeans if I really wanted to. Green nails are fine for me. An extra pierce is okay too. I can paint my house if I want to. And then I can change it if I want to too. I don't have to drive what the rest of the world thinks I should drive or believe in a cause just because it fits the profile of who I'm supposed to be. I can throw a party the way I like to. I can love on people in my life the ways that I am best designed to do. I can walk away from things that don't work in my life. I can pursue the things I've put on hold for all the different excuses I've created. I don't have to make apologies or excuses for the friends I have or the lives they live.

I know. All little things. Not very clear. But for me they are big things. There is freedom in this rebellion.