Thursday, March 4, 2010

Letter to a Friend

If I write it here, I know you'll get it on your own time, which for now is the right way. I could send it along to your email or call your voice mail, but it would be stepping into your space and I know the space is what's keeping you alive these days.

But I miss you.

I know what is going on in your world and so I know you'll take the break you need and come back to read this when you're ready. It's far too needy for you to read now.

But I miss you.

There have been so many ups and downs lately. Some I've lived out loud for all the world to be a part of and some are just inside of me. But you know me so well, inside and out, almost better than anyone else in my life and you know how I think. You know where my thoughts go. You know how to bring me back. You can finish my sentences and give words to things I struggle to voice. You know how and when to bring me wisdom and comfort. You speak His words into my life.

There have been moments where, in spite of both our lives, I felt that soon I would open the door and find you standing there. We'd share that best friend, it's been far too long hug, talking and laughing and crying all at once. We'd walk and talk. We'd eat and laugh. We'd cry. We'd share a cup of tea.

I'll try to be translucent here, as you've often said my voice on paper is closer to the truth of me than any other out there.

I'm afraid. Afraid of the silence. I don't want it to last so long that we loose each other. I don't want it to become the norm between us. I fear I will relive a long ago hurt that you never meant to inflict on me. I know why now, you never told me you were going. I'll never forget hearing you say it was too hard to say it out loud to me, that it hurt too much, but I'll never forget hearing the news from someone else either. It was shocking and brutal.

It drives some of my fear. I know you're keeping silence with me because it's easier than feeling all the life that's running you over right now, but at the same time, I'm insanely jealous that you're sharing it all with others who in theory mean less to you than I.

My mind is a complicated place.

And I miss having you there.

And I'm not good at waiting. I'm not good at being patient or being quiet. I'm doing my best to not flood you with me. I'm putting the phone down before dialing. I'm not pushing the send button after I write it all down. I'm leaving those cards in the store instead of stuffing your mailbox. I'm taking in the silence and saying prayers for you.

But I miss you.

And I wanted you to know it.

So, on your behalf and my own, I've been a little brave here, the most revealing and naked I've ever been on this blog. I hope I don't regret it.

I love you friend, and I miss you. You are not walking this life alone. Even when you choose to be alone.

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