So I'm sure by now you've heard about, read about, blogged about, ranted, tweeted or somehow commented on the big, breaking news, Russian adoption story. If not, head over here, read it, try hard to digest this one and head on back, otherwise you'll be wondering what on Earth I'm talking about today.
Okay, so there is no doubt that the little boy is a victim in all this. It's an ugly turn and to be sent back across the world all alone is a special kind of cruel, I don't care how difficult he was. And clearly, if he made it by plane all the way from the US to Russia without an incident, he's not that violent or behaviorally challenged.
Let's take a minute or two and check out some of the issues in this story. And yes, as an adoptive mom my view is totally tainted, 100%, so go now if that bugs you.
There are a whole lot of people right now all in a snit with a whole bunch of different groups of people. Maybe rightfully, maybe not.
First there's one group of people all up in arms about Russia saying they'd like to stop foreign adoptions. Let's remember there are two sides to every coin here. This is not the first US/Russia adoption to end badly. I'm guessing the article is reporting only the most dramatic of the failed adoptions. Remember too, if it were US kids being adopted in Russia and then being beaten, killed or "returned" as a country we'd be pretty ticked and I bet there would be a large group of people calling for a halt to those international adoptions. Just saying.
And yeah, folks, adoptions fail. All. The. Time.
That in itself is a sad statement. But let's look at that for just a minute. There are two parts to this at least. Maybe three or four.
First you have the adoption agency that selected and approved the family. For those of you that haven't gone through this process, think of it as the ultimate job interview. Now think about how you sold yourself in your job interviews. Did you present a brutally honest picture of yourself, or did you put your best foot forward? What about if you were interviewing for a job you really didn't have true experience in? Let's say that you're interviewing, selling yourself to be a good parent, but you have no birth children, you've fought infertility for years, you have "experience" with kids and so on.
The adoption agency doesn't make money turning family's down. An adoption agency is a business. Like it or not.
Now, there is another agency, "selling" the kids. Anyone and everyone will tell you kids have more and more issues the older they get, birth, adopted or otherwise. How would you sell a child? Are you going to say, oh, this one, he's rotten, he's a manipulative pain in the butt or are you going to say he's high spirited all boy who needs structure. This agency makes money adopting kids out.
Let's go back for a second to the adoptive family. They may or may not be losers who just blatantly dumped a child because life got hard. They may have truly had great intentions and may have really believed they could handle all that this child was. Anyone who has been a parent longer than, oh say 24 hours, will tell you it's a whole lot harder than you expected. In fact, it's all about the unexpected.
There is yet another group of people this touches on, all those families waiting for their foreign adoption to go through. They are now frustrated, angry and frightened. Their adoptions will get harder, the wait longer and the cost just went up. Angry because one person spoiled it for the lot. Frightened because their adoptions might not go through after all now, but even more, that they too might be getting one of these bait and switch kids that are far too broken to be any good.
Ahem.
It affects all those foreign kids waiting for families too. And all the people employed at the different agencies.
You know what else, and this is a personal hot button issue for me, it affects all the kids right here in the US waiting for their forever homes. Do you know, for example, 123,000 kids are waiting right now? That stat is from AdoptUsKids. Did you know that almost every child waiting is considered a special needs kid, even though their special need might just be an effect of their life situation? For example, a child may be labeled as learning delayed when in reality they have just never had a stable life long enough to learn something as simple as how to read. Did you know that if a child is not adopted by the time they are 2 years old, they are considered too old to adopt and it becomes assumed that the child will stay in the system, essentially an orphan until they "age out" at 18? This is just the tip of the ice burg, covering only kids in the foster care system. It doesn't take into account just general unwanted pregnancy babies or private foster care situations.
In a way, after reading this article, I had a moment of hope that maybe because Russia cut off US adoptions for a little while, a few more home grown US kids would find forever homes.
4 comments:
I hadn't seen this article...wow, how scary for the little boy. Life must have pretty much sucked for him up to this point, and the grown ups in his life have truly failed. I liked how you laid out all the various "sides" - I agree from each perspective. But at the center is a little boy who will be forever affected.
You've certainly given me a lot to think about - again.
It's all heartbreaking, every aspect of it...
Jen, as you might imagine, i have a whole heck of a lot to say about this. But I have a house to clean [you too!] and kids to bathe [!] and soccer to run to, so I'll just say this:
We adopted our oldest through www.adoptuskids.org. His only special need was that he was black.
And not an infant.
And a boy.
He came home to be ours when he was almost 3.
He just turned 11.
No one can infuriate me more than him, and no one can melt my heart faster. I am passionate about this boy. We had intended to adopt a child in need from overseas.
We didn't have 30 grand just laying around.
We happened upon their website [and this was 8 years ago, before many places had happenin' web sites] and we were immediately convicted, moved, challenged, hopeful, and smitten. We committed then and there to screaming from the rooftops these points:
There are hundreds of thousands of children in America who are desperate for homes.
They are not DAMAGED GOODS - at least, no more than an institutionalized child from another country who might be years younger. ALL children who are not infants should be considered special needs adoptions because of the unknown factors that come behind their adoptions - particularly overseas adoptions when you add the language barrier.
WE DID NOT PAY A DIME FOR THIS ADOPTION. In-country adoptions are NOT cost-prohibitive. On the contrary, there are programs in place to support families who are willing to adopt kids who are 'wards of the state'.
He has health insurance until he's 18 if we ever need to use it. We don't - we use it for secondary. [and it's AWESOME to have it to cover those co-pays!]
ALL of our children are eligible for free school lunch [and breakfast, if we want it] because of his status as an adopted child from a state program. That is a HUGE blessing for a Pastor's family with 4 kids!
We receive a stipend every month from the state. It is not a ton, but let me tell you, it is his legacy, and it will put him through college if we play our cards right. We never touch it. What an extraordinary blessing.
And finally --- if you are a Christian and you have ever even CONSIDERED the idea of adoption, then you should do it. If the church took up the standard and actually cared for the 'orphans' in the 'orphans and widows' references in the NT, the foster care system could return to its original purpose - to assist and aid families in transition and crisis until they can parent on their own once again. We believe this is a Kingdom issue, and most people never, EVER even consider it. That, brothers and sisters, is why YOU should.
[stepping off of soapbox.]
Thanks for giving me a place to vent, Jen.
Steph
You gave me goosebumps Steph. It's a pleasure to have your soapbox here. We laugh because our intent was to NOT adopt. Now, we're considering adoption #2 and #2 has sibs(2girls). Sigh.
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