Monday, July 12, 2010

A Wicked Story

Wolfe and Pigg

Wolfe and Pigg were never friends, but they weren't always enemies either. All through their school years they got along well enough, except that Wolfe always came in first. No matter how hard Pigg tried he always came in second. He was never president or team captain or MVP. All that went to Wolfe.

Pigg tried to let it go and went on to have a successful and profitable home building company. The quality wasn't always the greatest and he did take some liberties by employing his younger brothers, but by all outward appearances, Pigg, had grown to be quite a success. He had built his niche by catering to the whims of his clients, who were some real characters.

Wolfe too, had become a success. He had left their small town and launched a chain of fast food restaurants. They were called Oink & Moo and specialized in deep fried pork chops on a stick and milk shakes. After building a name for himself, he decided to return to his hometown and settle down.

It wasn't long before Wolfe had the urge to run for mayor. He had money to spare and launched a huge election campaign. He was on the radio and TV everyday saying, "It's time to turn this town around!"

Seeing those giant bill boards all over town featuring B. B. Wolfe's face made Pigg sizzle. Pigg was trying his best to ignore the signs and the whole election thing but then one night over dinner with his girl friend, Miss Moffitt, he hatched a plan.

Pigg started to grumble, "You know, honey, I know this guy. I went to school with him back in the day. I wouldn't vote for him."

"You don't know what you're talking about. He's got money and plans, big plans for this little town of ours. He's going to turn it around! Don't you want that for New Rhyme City? I sure do."

"Oh, I'm sure he's got plans, but the thing is he's not all that smart. I'd bet you'd make a better mayor than he would."

"Seiously, Pigg, I think you're just plain jealous."

"I am being serious, Molly, you'd make a great mayor. Everyone knows you and loves you, you've got a great head on your shoulders and you'd get to do all those great trips and charity events. I mean, you know, it would be a sacrifice, you'd have to be on TV all the time and stuff, but I bet you could handle it."

"Do you really think I'd be a good mayor?" said Miss Moffitt, as she dreamt of watching herself on the ten o'clock news.

"Yes I do. I'll make a few calls and have bill boards up first thing in the morning. Call Willie Winkie and have him start spreading the news tonight that you're in the race."

The next morning, new bill boards started going up around town announcing Moffitt for Mayor. Even though Pigg wasn't running for mayor, it felt like high school all over again and he wasn't going to lose this time. He had a plan.

As the election grew closer the competition got more intense. Wolfe was huffing and puffing on all the local TV and radio shows. Miss Moffitt was spinning all kinds of stories. All the polls showed that this race was neck and neck. It was truly going to come down to the last vote to determine who would be the next mayor. Or at least that's what everyone thought.

The night before the election a plain brown envelope arrived at WVTV 23 and because there wasn't much news other than the election, the anchors decided to open the envelope on air, hoping there would be a big story inside and not just a picture of someone's dog watching the weather forecast.

They were not disappointed. That envelope contained a bomb shell that literally turned the tide of the election over night.

When Sue Meenaw and Zlander Cells opened that envelope, they could hardly believe their luck. They knew their evening news segment was about to go viral. Sue was the first to realize what she was looking at and cued the cameras to close up.

The cameras focused on a grim faced Zlander warning everyone that the pictures they were about to see were very graphic.

As the camera panned to Sue, she began, "These photos may change your mind about tomorrow's election. Have a look."

The screen filled with photos of B. B. Wolfe and the long forgotten Red Riding Hood incident.

"Poor, poor, Grandma Hood," said Sue, shaking her head.

"It's an awful way to go," agreed Zlander.

"Well, here at WVTV 23, we're certainly not going to tell you how to vote tomorrow, but please think carefully before you cast your ballet."

With that, the screen went dark and so did B. B. Wolfe's life. He lost the election. He also lost his fortune. In a matter of hours the story was nationwide and the Oink & Moo franchise went belly up. Wolfe lost his reputation too. He was stuck in his home town where everyone loathed him and he couldn't get a break.

Miss Moffett loved being the mayor and Pigg was already counting on the jobs he was going to get now that his girlfriend was the mayor. On top of that, he was overjoyed at seeing Wolfe slinking around town.

Little did Pigg know, it wasn't going to last. Miss Moffett couldn't stop wondering about where those pictures came from and one night, after a few too many drinks, Pigg let it slip that he did it to make sure she would win. He told her he did it for love.

Miss Moffett couldn't believe that he had done that. She couldn't believe that the whole thing had been some scheme dreamt up by Pigg to satisfy some stupid jealousy left over from high school. She was so mad that Pigg had used her in his scheme, that she made a few plans of her own.

It didn't take her long to dump Pigg and to woo Wolfe into her arms. The press was all over it, but she loved the attention. Then she worked it out so that Wolfe would land the job as city building inspector.

Pigg tried to reason with Miss Moffett and win her back, but it was no use. He had nothing left to do but go back to building outrageous houses for his clients and Wolfe went around writing up citations on those houses. Pigg always felt that Wolfe was singling him out, but it really wasn't the case. Pigg was building houses that begged for inspections. Or at least that was Wolfe's story.

"Take that Witch, for instance. She insists that house of hers must be made out of sweets and all the kids flock to it, especially that Hansel and Gretel. They literally eat the foundation away. Then I have to write her up. It's structurally unsound. She gets all crazy, yelling at me about fattening me up and making a stew out of me."

"Then there's that Old Woman and her shoe full of kids. Don't even get me started on that one. There oughta be a law about that sort of thing, but there ain't. Best I can do is recommended she resole or get a new heel. Maybe get some new laces so the thing ain't such an eyesore. But she don't care. She don't have to listen to the neighbors complaining about the place, but I do, "snorted Wolfe.

He adjusted his hard hat, took a drag on his cigarette and went on, "There's crazy all over this town, thanks to Pigg. Get a load of that Rapunzel. A tower for a house. And if that ain't weird enough for you, chick don't want no door in the thing, she wants you to climb up and down her hair. If that ain't a safety hazard, I don't know what is."

"Don't even get me started on Jack and his "bean stalk". It's like Peter Pumpkin; you just shouldn't be living in produce."

"But the worst is those twin Pigg brothers. You know, the Mayor's younger brothers. A house made out a straw. Come on. It's like I keep telling them. It ain't safe. I can blow the dang thing down myself. First storm comes along, bam, homeless. Just like that. And his brother in the stick shack ain't much better. Funny thing is, when they see me coming they go running right to big brother. His place ain't safe either, just get a load a that chimney. It's so poorly designed even someone as big as me could fit down it. Every time I try to show them where they need to fix up those three homes, they start freaking out and running around squealing!" growled B. B. Wolfe.

"One day, those Piggs are gonna be the death of me."