Wednesday, October 12, 2011

It's Almost November

If you had asked me last November if I'd ever look forward to another one, I would have said no, not at all.  I would have told you that November was going to be something I'd endure and work my way through, and yet here we are, just days away and I'm looking forward to it.

Not because the crap of my life is suddenly gone and I"m all that and figured out how to work through all my baggage and have a good handle on stuff.  Nope.  I'm just looking forward to the excuse.


Much like last November, I'm going to write.  I'll take my turn at the NaNoWriMo again.  I'm sure I've got 50,000+ words of nonsense in me dying to make their way to a flash drive. 

The good part of that is it gives me focus and purpose.  It takes up my time and takes my brain off me and my life.  It gives me reason to shut off the phone and the face book and the blog.  It gives me justification to say I'm busy and can't be social.  It buys me silence. 

And as much as I love people and the people in my life, solitude is precious too.  You know what they say, silence is golden.

A closed off November also gives me time to lick my wounds in private.

Last November I moved a kiddo out of my life that I thought would be mine forever, or at least as much as we ever get to have another person forever.  I had him almost from the start of his life.  I was there for all the firsts of the first years.  I was his mama, hands down.  I held on to dreams of his beautiful sisters. 

On a beautiful amazing November afternoon, I gave him away.  I bit my lip and drove away.  Other than those few weeks in November I have not looked back.  I've avoided the questions and conversations.  I've lived with the reality that the one email that said, yeah, he's adjusted and ok is all I'm ever going to know.

I faced my own mortality with a stupid and dramatic car wreck.  I let it change me and at the same time, I ignored it.

I finished the first "book" to prove something to myself. 

Lots of things colored that November. 

In August we shifted our "family" around yet again.  People moved out and in.  Like I say over and over, broken record style, it was bittersweet.

Little T has been the one to bring us back into official foster care after "My November".  I have 2 days left with him. 

On Saturday morning in the middle of the chaos of a large family on a busy morning, his ride will come.  He will be excited about going home and going to mama.  He will burst out the front door, run down the hill of my front yard, climb into the transport car and be gone forever. 

Just like that.


The first of November right around the corner.

Time to shut the door.