Where to begin.
Every day it seems we are receiving news that makes the picture look more bleak for Little Miss. There are less encouraging words.
Now the talks are filled with phrases like be aware, be prepared, do you understand the odds.
The biological often trumps the non.
It seems like the chance of Little Miss finding her forever family with us is slipping away.
I understand this, but I cannot process it.
We always knew this was how it worked. The laws are written that way. "Family" comes first.
I did not become a foster parent to adopt, but I couldn't say no to the ask either.
I dreamed to soon it seems.
Where I am today is a place I've never been before.
I cannot stand under the weight of this.
But I will kneel.
I will kneel and pray. I will wait with expectation of miracles. I will wait for His peace. I will learn to praise Him through this.
I have dreamed so much for her and now I am feeling forced to think new thoughts. Some of them are pure selfishness and pain on my part, but most are heart break for her.
See, I know now, that when she wakes at night and calls out for Mama, she means me. When she sees a car pull up to the house, she runs to see if it is her Daddy, The Mr. The Little Mr.'s are simply "Her Boys".
Just last night as I tucked her into bed and held her hand, she looked up at me and said, night night in my bed.
To even begin to think of what this will do inside her heart when she is sent to live with her "real" family or her "new" family or whatever stupid way we try to coat in sugar covered words is something that I cannot do.
I fear that I will be weepy and shaky for the next two months while we wait. I fear she will think I've lost my mind as I can hardly hold her without tears and whispered "I love you's". I cannot pass her bed at night without kneeling to stroke her head.
I do not know how to do this, but I know that I will learn.
4 comments:
Jen, the only thing I can think of is HUGS!!! (((((((())))))
Hi Jen,
I noticed your comment on Adrienne's blog, I pray that your story has a happier ending that hers.
xxx
I found you through Adrienne's blog.
I read this and cried.
My prayers are with you.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hate how the child is completely disregarded by the court system. Blood is not always thicker than water. I went through this early on with my foster son when the judge gave him back to bio mom while she was in drug rehab. I cannot imagine what goes through the minds of these judges when they make the decisions they do.
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