A Message In The Snow

Sometimes my inability to make a computer do what I want it do yields a great surprise. Perhaps it is linked to my impatience with small print. I just don't do a good job of taking the time to read it all and figure it out before I press the button.

Anyway, my hurry up and push the button on Face Book this morning brought back into the circle some friends I haven't heard from in a long time. And that, my friends, is a wonderful treat.

Well, it was another long morning coming back from therapy and it wasn't just the snow and bad drivers. It was all the stuff running around in my head.

See, we are now less than a week from resolving some of the tension in our home. The problem is, I'm less certain by the day of how this will resolve or if I'll be able to handle it with all the grace I want to.

The trial for Little Miss begins on Monday. The Mr. and I are expecting to be called to testify late Tuesday or early Wednesday. I have such mixed feelings over all this.

I will not be asked specifically to testify against her mom, but in a way, it feels like I will. I do know that I will be asked a lot of questions and I'll be sitting in front of the judge, the jury and her mom. It's making me a bit sick to the stomach.

It would be a hard enough spot to sit in if I knew that after that part of the trial Little Miss would just live mostly happily ever after with us, but that is in question these days.

I know that there will always be questions that plague her about her birth family, but now I'm worried that there will be life long questions about us too. I know that she is very little, but I know that she will remember us. Even if they are not vivid memories, there will be some vague things that bring to mind something lost. I hate to think that we will be lost to her.

I worry what it will do to her picture of life if she is taken, again, from all she knows as home and family.

I'm not enjoying how the whole thing is playing out around here either. None of us are really equipped to process this. The Little Mr.'s are having some serious difficulty processing the fact that our days with Little Miss may be coming to an end. They are each trying out different things to see if it will make it hurt less.

We all are.

And it doesn't.

It doesn't hurt less.

Not even when it's buried under chocolate and diet coke.

Now, I know that God has a plan for her and we may very well have done all we were ever meant to do in her life and I'm OK with that. I can be content in my obedience to the Lord and still feel pain over it. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. I've loved this child full out and to let her go is impossible to put into words.

As I drove along through the snow, I realized something. This is God's story to tell, His to write the ending to. It will be a part of my testimony to His glory. It is not mine to understand. I will walk by faith. I will live this out on my knees.

I will comfort my boys as they struggle to understand something that seems to make no sense.

I will love full out on the next child the county sends my way. I will invest in Little One and every one after him just like they were my own.