Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Lost Thoughts In My Own Mind

I've been here, really I have, I've just been sorting and processing and for a change inside my mind, well, mostly, instead of out here on the screen. There are some things to get caught up on and some things to get busy on.

Like a few days ago I was writing about the passing of time and how it seems to lack a certain significance to me. That's something. So, I'll get back to it, but it takes time. That makes me smile. It takes time to write about how time passing isn't the same for me that it is for another.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but inside my head, that is very funny. Of course, it's a fault of mine, I've always cracked myself up. I'm never sure if anyone else is laughing with me or if they're just laughing at me. Most of the time, I don't really care, I'm just happy to be laughing.

I've been going around in my mind about insecurity. My own, specifically, and how funny or odd it is that it still looms large in parts of my life I've long since left and let pass by, but not in my current modern real live life. Strange how the mind plays tricks on you and unfortunate how you place a person in time and leave them there sometimes. It's like a little mental glitch or a slip of the mind. You plant someone where they once were and leave them there as the person you only believed you knew, only later after putting your foot in your mouth do you realize you maybe never knew them at all. At least not the real person behind the one you loved. Make sense? No, I'm sure it doesn't to you, but inside my own convoluted mind, it winds around in just the right way and makes perfect sense and since I know that I mostly write to myself I'm not all that concerned if you're lost for a moment. Soon enough the path will travel out from under the shade trees and into the brilliant sun brushed fields of summer. You'll be standing again with me in the sun drenched summer fields of weeds that mask themselves as flowers.

It's still the crazy world of foster care around here. There are so many unknowns right now and even though you all know bits it's too complicated to try to boil down into coherence. Besides, it changes by the minute. It's a lot of hurry up, get ready, give an answer to a hypothetical, wait, stop, all plans have changed, go again, it's happening, it's not. It's a thing that leaves you on your knees.

It really does. It's life you can't live on your own. It's been a revealing thing for me lately to hear others say to me you have patience. Meaning as a mom with my kids--foster or not, they are MY kids when they live with me, anyway, to hear that said to me always brings me pause. I am not patient. I have never been patient. It is not my nature. God simply brings me what I need to move through each and every moment placed before me. I don't walk this alone at all. There's something here about living a life as a Christian. A person who is a believer and walking the life God called them to walk, realizes that each and every step is only possible with Him and because of Him. Yet another thought to get caught up on around here.

I'm guessing it's a thought, though, that words will fail me on. I don't know if there are enough words for me to toss at that idea to make another person understand until they begin to live that way. When every part of your day to day life is only possible because of the trust you have in God that He will in fact equip you with every thing that you need moment by moment to do all the things that seem so beyond yourself, well, there just aren't words for it.

It's a bit like this talk I'm working on. It's a thing that is both overwhelming and exciting. It's very humbling. I feel like I finally have a workable plan and am starting to get my feet under myself again. In the end, even though it is far outside my comfort zone, really, really far, I believe it will be worth it. I'm looking forward to seeing just how God will make the whole thing work out.

So it's been a long and rambling read for you today. It was a long and rambling write, that somehow in between it I finished 3 loads of laundry, mopped the first floor, fed a baby, changed the clothes on 3 kids, hauled a huge pile of toys outside and washed them down, answered the text questions and got ready for therapy. I also listened to the story, got 1 kid out the door to school and broke up numerous sibling disputes. I rescued the dog from the wood pile and shooed the bees away. I've wiped a few noses, brushed teeth that aren't mine and made more formula. In between that life, I write the words that make the rambles that you get to read. Some days they are coherent, clean and spot on. Some days it's like digging for leftovers in the back of the fridge, just a little scary and maybe not really worth it in the end.

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