Friday, January 22, 2010

Dream Weaver

I've been noticing a trend among people I know these past few years, and perhaps, it's just the circles I'm in, but it's interesting none the less. Or at least interesting to me.

Way back when, in the 80's, when I was a crazy high school girl, there were a lot of things you didn't admit too. At least not if you were even remotely attempting to be cool, or even if you were trying to look like you weren't trying to be in the cool crowd, there were things you just didn't admit. Of course, looking back now, I realize that most of the cool kids really were admiting to having some future dreams, plans or goals and they were doing a pretty darn good job of working hard toward reaching those goals. Wonder how I didn't notice it then? I mean, there were always those kids that were so fiercely independent that they just didn't care if the rest of the world was moving in another direction. Or so it seemed.


Two things have taken my mind flying back there these days. The first one was a short little entertainment world blurb that said they may be in the begining stages of making a remake movie. No big deal. It happens all the time. But, a remake of Ferris Bueller? Seriously?


That's all I can say about it.


It's just wrong.

It's like making a new version of It's a Wonderful Life or The Sound of Music.

Just. No.

Next thing that got me thinking is sort of myself and my circles of friends.

See most of my life I've harbored some little dreams and goals, but I've kept them to myself generally. That trend started long ago, back in the day. Way back when, in high school when you might have mistakenly said something like, I want to be an author when I grow up and were met with laughing peers, teachers that ignored you, rolled their eyes or graded your papers lower or the wonderous guidance councilors who just blandly informed you that you'd be an over acheiver in your life if you managed to get a 2 year degree over at cow pie high.


Yes, well than, shall we proceede?

So how did some of that all pan out? Well, let's see, a life time of self doubt, self conciousness, rebellion, a repeat college drop out and sheer surprise and wonder when I did manage to succeed in something despite my own self sabatoge.

Interesting? No?

No. Not really. We all have our tales of woe and challenge that in turn led us to become who we are today. Therapy and all.

And yeah, yeah, I know all that stuff about peer pressure and letting others have power over you by allowing it to impact you and all that stuff. I know it now. I knew it then.

What ever.

Like it or not, that stuff all happens and plays a part in shaping us, one way or another.

So anyway, way back in the day, I never knew anyone who would even remotely admit to wanting to be a writer or public speaker or heaven forbid to do anything even loosely connected to a church or a religion. Wait. I take it back. There were one or two kids that wanted to be authors, but they were part of the super crowd. You know them, AP classes, after school activities piled up so deep they overlapped, voted most likely to graduate with a Ph.D. and rule the world in 10 years or less, plus were cool and had boy friend/girl friends. And yup. They are pretty much doing it just like predicted today.


But here's the new part that's interesting. Lots of people I know are now working hard to become, not necessarily famous, but successful, authors, photographers, artists, preachers, leaders and speakers. Now not everyone will say it out loud, in fact, most won't, or if they do, they tell it to you in a confiding sort of way. More often though, it's this sort of strange self discovery thing where all of a sudden they're being called and led and drawn, not always in a religious way, that's just the common lingo.

Now, don't get me wrong. I live in some serious Christian circles and there are plenty of people who really are called to do teaching and all that other jazz. And they end up doing it very well and it's a super cool thing to watch a person get called, answer God with a great big yes, and then watch the wonder of what happens next.

On the other hand, there are a whole lot of middle of the road performers out there chasing a dream that maybe they should have just kept deep in their heart. We all know it when we see it on shows like American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance or any of those insane shows. We all long for our glimmering moment.

But why?

And now, it's making me rethink some of my life time, long held goals or dreams. I'm rethinking them in the terms that maybe they were just little girl fantasies and I ought to let them go. Maybe I wanted some of those crazy things because I wanted to stand out from the crowd just a little and now that the crowd has all shifted and set it's sights on my personal little goals, I don't want them anymore. Maybe I'm looking around and seeing so many people with the same goals and working really hard and showing only mediocre results at best that I'm wondering and doubting what I thought of all these years as my own skill and talents.

Perhaps, I'm just like everyone else. And maybe that's the real rub of it. Maybe that's why, as the last few years have gone by, and I've actually had some time and some drive to start pursuing those long ago, laid aside dreams, I'm starting to see them as simply that. Dreams. Dreamt by a little girl, who, despite being paralyzingly shy and startlingly simple minded and rediculously underqualified for anything, had huge dreams of one day having the respect that came along with standing in the spotlight. Over the years I allowed those dreams to continually be recrafted to somehow having myself in the spotlight in a respectable, honorable way. I was really great at convincing myself that it wasn't about me, somehow this would be my way of serving and on and on it goes inside my delusional mind.

But it comes back quicker and quicker now every day. Perhaps, I'm nothing too. Nothing still. Not nothing in the sense that I don't matter or don't do anything worthy with my life. It isn't like that at all. Really. I'm not in some deep dark hole. Not at all. But nothing in the sense, of nothing spectatuclar. Maybe I'm not really talented or gifted or called to anything that I thought was my dream.

Maybe all these years, I was dreaming of an idea or the whisper of a feeling and not really a real dream at all.

And the even weirder part of it all? I'm peaceful. I don't feel a loss. I don't feel like I failed or gave up. I feel more like I'm in a place in life, finally, where I'm good. I'm good with who I am, I'm good with how my life may roll along or not. I'm good with the unknown future. I'm good with standing in the shadows.

I've grown to respect the shadow.

So there's my big thought for the day, posted through my cold and fever haze, typed out with tissues and my cough and sore throat tea with honey. Put down in print with my four little whining, home from school helpers that can't let a person think for 30 seconds, let alone 30 words.

Good luck making sense out of this one!

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