What's It Like To Be A Special Needs Momma?

I don't usually blog about my role as special needs mom, but some things got me thinking this morning.

First let me share with you why I normally don't share with you about being a special needs mom. There's a stigma attached to being labeled a parent of a special needs child. Just like our kids hate the labels because it limits what the world thinks of them, so do the parents. We're often dismissed or marginalized simply because we have an extraordinary child (or 3). Next, I try hard to respect my kids by never sharing too much about their lives. Sometimes living with some of these special needs can be insanely funny, inspirational or annoying, but often those moments really need to remain private within the family. There is such a thing in this life as sharing too much. Third, I often don't think of myself as a special needs mom. Most of the other parents I know in this circle have kids with very dramatic, life threatening, medical special needs. My kids all have the invisible special needs that make it harder to see, even for me. For what it's worth, good or bad, I often dismiss the behavioral special needs as just simply "quirks" that my kids have. I strive to teach them tools to better fit in with those around them, but try to respect who they are and not crush that part of them, after all, it isn't necessarily a broken piece. These children are just as much God's creations as all the other "perfect" kids.

I've often said that I'm one of those Christ followers that God has to hit with a brick before I get the message and today, the brick has come crashing through the window and landed in my lap. Let me just link you up with what I've read so far this morning, then we'll talk about the talk. First it was helicopter parenting, then it was Pioneer Woman's brother stories, then it was all about siblings at Raising Asperger's Kids. As if this wasn't enough I participated in a Twitter Chat for the first time. That in and of itself is super cool, but this group of moms was utterly amazing. Check this group out, The Coffee Klatch. My kids are also being treated to some special awareness training at their school this week provided by Good Friend Inc. Besides all that, I had a real life encounter with the special needs kind this very morning inside my own home. It was a really big brick.

It actually has been brewing for some time, but I've been sort of ignoring it. I've learned over the years that The Little Mr. can become very fixated on things if allowed too. OCD is not a pretty feature. Anyway, the subject came up again last night after school and around dinner time and bed time too. I should have been a little more watchful about it, but again, I didn't want to validate it too much. Even though we have always had a dog, most of our family has always had dogs, and all our neighbors have at least one dog, Little Mr. is often afraid of them. Now, Little Mr. has some issues. His version of being afraid can spiral from a little nervousness about something to all out hysterical panic in about 30 seconds or less. Routines and familiarity are the key to his sanity and his peace in life. Startling him is not a pleasant experience for the startler. In the few blocks from our house to the school are many houses with dogs. He's been startled one too many times on the way to and from school.

Now part of being The Little Mr. is that he is blissfully unaware of his surroundings most of the time. Not quite to the dangerous level, but definitely to the level of space case. Over all, I'm not surprised that he hasn't noticed the dogs along the route and that they take him by surprise. What I've been trying to condition him for is that in life, the unexpected often happens and you often have an opportunity to be prepared for that. I feel like this is an important skill he will need in his independent adult life, 'cause he's going to have one. Ahem. I've been reminding him that he already knows that most of the homes between our front door and the school have dogs. There is always a chance that one or more or all of the dogs will be outside at the same time that he is walking by. I have reminded him that he has never been chased, bitten, attacked, etc. by any of the dogs. Almost all of them are on ropes or runs. The rest seem to be bound by invisible fences or just plain old good training. We've gone over and over the "rules" of how to behave around a dog. His younger brother has very boldly told him of how he will protect him from the dogs.

All that aside, this morning, it was a crisis. He put down his foot and said he was not walking to school. He wanted to return to home school for the rest of this year and then next year, when he could take the bus to middle school, he'd be willing to go back.

Here's how it played out. I told him I would not be writing him an excuse for missing school because there was no excuse and I would not be calling him in sick because he wasn't sick. I let him know what happens to kids that simply choose not to attend school and told him he would have to deal with that outcome himself. To say he didn't like my answer is a bit of an understatement. It's Love and Logic at it's best. I didn't have to yell or do anything about it but wait to see how it went.

In the end, he chose to put on his gear and go to school. The plan was for both boys to walk to school together, just as they do every morning. The Little Mr. was tearing up even before he was out the door. His "typical" younger sibling was rolling his eyes. I was wondering if there was going to be enough coffee for the morning.

Off they went. I grabbed Little One to change a diaper and through the window I saw Little Mr. coming back up the drive way. This time there were tears and I definitely felt the pangs of mommy guilt. I opened the door and told him to walk with his brother to school. He knew he wasn't going to get a pass on this one, blinked off the tears and caught up to his brother. Upstairs, out the bedroom window, while changing that diaper, I saw them both go by, on their way to school, perfectly in step, younger one being the protector of the older.

The reaches of special needs grab far out into the future. This is going to be a never forgotten episode of life for all three of us. I'm going to face the fall out for a while around here. I'm also going to be thinking and rethinking what every special needs momma does, did I do it right. Those tiny decisions carry more weight when it's a special child. A part of you wants to protect them extra because they are less equipped to get by in this world and yet a part of you pushes them harder because they must get by in this world. It's double sided and never ceasing. Do you tell the teacher, coach, pastor, or neighbor or do you wait to see if they notice the subtle quirks of your child? Do you ask for special treatment for him or do you just expect that same high standard you expect of all your children because they are simply one of yours? It's near impossible to know which way to go.

Personally, the only place to go is to my knees. God commands me not to worry. He assures me He will guide me as I parent these children with Him. He will not abandon any of us. It is sweet comfort for a momma of any child.