Becoming Unglued

In spite of becoming ridiculously unglued at odd times I am going to find the blessings in this. But because of being out of sorts this is rambling and long and crazy.

I won't lie. I wanted him to be mine, forever, for always, just like Little Miss and letting go hurts. I've simply fallen in love with his giggle and little smile. I love the way he does his little tip toe happy dance and the way he calls me momma. I had designs on being the momma to his sisters too. It's entirely possible things could change, nothing is ever solid until the judge decides. It's also possible that we will be not be completely eliminated from his life, although, it's highly unlikely.

I am dying today every time he climbs into my lap for hugs or brings me a story to read and it's about a family and a home and happy endings. I'm scattered and wandering as I'm thinking about which things will go with, how fast can I pull together a life book, am I taking enough pictures everyday, knowing it won't seem like enough for many, many years.

I keep trying to figure out how to put him back into the category of "a placement" so that I can make the going easier on myself, but I can't. I would only be able to do that if I had kept him in that place from the start and I can't. I jump full in with people. I always have. And the kids that come in are no exception. If I didn't love them for all they're worth, as my own, I just wouldn't be doing my job. It's weird to think of being some one's mom in a temporary way or as a form of employment, but in a way, that's what foster parents are. More than a baby sitter, less than a forever parent. Twisted. I know. But we are parent limbo. And I volunteered for this version of hell and insanely enough, I plan to do it all over again and again. I simply know that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now. Even though it doesn't show today, the good of this job far out weighs the hurt. I have never grown so much, learned so much, loved so hard or walked solely on faith as much as I have while being a foster parent.

But this leaving is a happy ending. And I will keep saying it until I can say it without becoming a walking disaster. With this move from us, he will gain. He will gain family he would have potentially, probably lost. He will gain a truer picture of his culture.

I will keep saying that this is God's story to write through my life. I will continue to believe good is happening and will continue to happen through this.

I will look ahead to the break we are going to take and see good. The months ahead where we will be able to make some big school transitions this year without "extras" to worry over. Our schedules will be our own. For a short while, we will live without home inspections, visit workers, therapy providers and loads of paperwork. We will take a special vacation trip, "just us". We will have a season of holidays without all the drama of a case. We'll have a few months without trips to Children's Court.

And then, we'll answer the call again. We'll open our lives, our homes, our hearts to more.