The Mr. and I went on a little date. Yeah, it's actually news worthy. We don't go often. It's a chore with so many kids, but this week with half away at grandma and grandpa's, it was easier.
We had an old married date. First we went to Target. Then we went to a restaurant we had a gift card for. Then we went to another place to have a drink and watch the end of the Brewer's game. After that we went to the grocery store and called it a night. Yeah, we're that kind of fun around here.
In other news, I'm taking another parenting class, cause you know, it's what foster parents do. Usually they are a combination of boring, useless and repetitive. This one is boring and repetitive, but it has had some real gems of information too. Granted I think I got the majority of the valuable information on day one of the class, but it was still worth the $60.
I might just become a reformed Love & Logic-er. Don't get me wrong. I think L & L is great. And I really like the Have a New Kid in a Week or New Kid by Friday, whatever it is. Both are really great and I think laid some of the ground work for making this course as useful as it is. In fact, if I look back, I think all the different parenting training I've had since becoming a foster mom has helped with my, um, challenging kids.
Anyway. The premise of this class is pretty simple and leaves you going, well, duh. And then you start saying to yourself, it can't really be that simple, but dang if it isn't and it does work.
The ideas are pretty simple.
- One human being can't control another and so the idea that a parent can control a child is false.
- What you see as bad/negative behaviors are symptoms and you need to discover the cause, not simply control the symptoms.
- The magic wand of parenting is listening.
- Always listen first and talk second, after all, you are the parent and you will get to have your say in the end.
- The most important part of listening is shutting your own mouth.
- Listening does not equal agreement or permission.
- There are 3 ways to listen. Acknowledge what they say, ask questions about what they say and reflect back what they said in their own words.
- Listening builds respect and trust.
- With respect and trust you will earn cooperation.
- With cooperation you are able to make agreements.
I know, not rocket science here, but go ahead and give it a little try with your kids or some adults in your planet. It doesn't seem like much of a change in how you already live and interact, but it is.
Some simple examples? I'd like you to get in the car and put on your seat belts so we can get going, instead of, get in the car and put on your seat belt. No one likes to be told what to do. Please don't throw toys. What made you want to throw them? The what question instead of why did you do that, will allow the child to tell you what happened or what they're feeling and later, after they've done some talking, you can re-establish that throwing toys is not the best way to handle their feelings.
So there you go. Something new to think about.
3 comments:
Your date sounds like our dates! I'm reading The Explosive Child and it has some very similar approach put in 3 basic steps. . .I think it is definitely helping!
I'm all about Love and Logic but I suck at the empathy part which is like the key to the whole thing!
On our "date" nights, we do exactly what you guys did but add driving to the movie theater, looking at what's playing, deciding we are too tired, and driving home. Maybe we should do a date night together we you guys! ;)
I love L&L, too.. I'm a big believer in natural consequences, but I do think that some children are so far "gone" that it won't work. (if a child has never learned empathy or consequences, it might be a bit much for them to be parented in the way I've raised my bio kids - for example.)
I really like the tip about asking "what made you want to do that.." instead of an accusatory tone that I'd probably use instead. Very good stuff! The "duh" stuff is always the best! lol
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