Monday, December 5, 2011

My Heart 3 Sizes Too Small

In my Grinchy mood I will take a crack at myself tonight.

It seems I have a heart 3 sizes too small or some other kind of fatal flaw.

There are patterns in my life that I don't like.  One of them is front and center again.

I don't know if it's my words or my heart.  I don't know what exactly it is about me.

But this happens.

A long time ago now, I had a friend and we were super close, or at least in my head we were.  She put herself in a position to basically start her life over on the other side of the country.  It was a great chance for her.

I was the last to know and I found out by accident.  When I swallowed my pride enough to ask why she never mentioned a new job, a new life, on the other side of the country, she simply said it was too hard to tell me that she was going.

It's a pattern that repeats in my life.

Something huge.  Something meaningful.  I guess it.  I find it out by mistake.  It simply happens.

Why are the people I love the most unwilling to say things to me?

I've been told over and over through the years how judgmental I am and how sharp and hurtful my words are, maybe that's enough.  I don't feel like I judge but everyone thinks I do.  I feel like I realize quickly if my words were too sharp and I'm quick to be sorry.

Maybe that's not enough.

maybe i'm not enough


Angie said...

oh sweets. I'm so sorry if you feel that way. I know you are feeling so much right now. You are a great friend. Always truthful and honest. You are dependable and reliable. Yes, you can be sharp but it's only because you care so much. You have been such a great friend to me over these couple years and I wouldn't be where I am without you. You have helped me so much. Please don't be so critical of yourself.

Jen said...

Angie, maybe we all get our hippos this year...

rufers54 said...

I agree 100% with what Angie says. Your honesty might be hard for some, like a necessary operation, but in the long run it heals.