Monday, March 12, 2012

Ever Wake Up And Notice Something...

I came to a sudden and strange realization today.  I have a person in my life that I've never known happy.

I came into this persons life or vice versa mid-journey.  It's been a couple of years now and it's still mid-journey.

It's been very up and down, lots of drama and it often leaves me thinking if not reeling.  Sometimes I try not to think on it, other times I try to figure it out.

It's not necessarily drama but I don't know what else to call it.  It spikes and then dies down, but never fully goes away.  It's been spiking again lately and so I've been trying to figure it out, especially because it's an ever increasing spiral, each spike being more spectacular than the one before.

I've entertained all sorts of theories in my mind as to the why of it all and in the end, I don't know.  I don't know that I'll ever know or ever figure it out.

Today though, I was suddenly seeing it differently.

For a few years I've been in this relationship thinking well, when the journey is over then there will be peace and happiness because surely that must have been there before...

But then I realized, I didn't know.

I just simply didn't know.

I've never known this person to be in a place without unhappiness and fear and drama.  I've never known them to be just happy.

I don't mean like back flips and joy overflowing over the top, I just mean like happy as a constant, not just something that happens to you for a day or two while you wait for the horror to begin again.

It's interesting in a way.  I'm sure I've known plenty of people like this before and been in relationships like this before, but I think in the end I've always pulled away or grown some distance in there.  I don't know what the future holds or how it all works out.

I just don't know, today, where I am, what it would be like to be in this relationship, if there never comes to be a happy ending, content sort of place.

I'm actually starting to, not worry so much, but wonder, what if there never is that peace?  What if it's always this cycle of drama?  What if every bit of happy is tainted with the waiting for the disaster or worse yet, looking and searching for all the what ifs that could become the disaster?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a peaches and sunshine.  Not at all.  I'm about as cynical and pessimistic as they come, but I don't go looking for the negative.  I don't bury my head in the sand but I don't put my energy into panic and stress and worry about something that is a potential.  Even when it's something that's pretty much a given based on what I know or already have experienced, I still usually just lay back and wait to see what happens before I have a moment.

This laying back thing helps me to keep the freak outs and anger moments and whatever else down to a short minimum.  There's plenty of stuff that ticks me off and plenty of people that set my on edge, but, by facing life this way, it keeps my emotional energy on an even keel or more so than if it just when wild with every what if.

Should this be your way of life?  I don't know.  I only know it's the place I've learned to find my way to after 40 years of figuring out life, not because I'm smart or something like that, just because I'm living and learning.  I've been learning what works for me.  What keeps me sane and functioning.  What keeps me calm and mostly nice.  It's a place I need to be in for me, for my kids and for the general population of the world that have to interact with me.

So take it for what it's worth today, this random thought and observation of mine.

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