Friday, October 19, 2012

Seasonal Update

It's a seasonal update kind of afternoon.

The sky is the angry blue-black moody that makes a beautiful background for the sharp colors of the fall leaves.  Magic if you can use a camera.  Yucky if you have to be outside in it.

This is the season where I get chilled.  Cold to the core.  Deep cold.  The kind that takes me days to feel warm again.  Blankets.  Tea.  Hot showers.  I'm just cold.  I will be until next August, for that one scorching week when people die of the heat, then, I'm warm.  Otherwise, I'm just cold.

Cross-country is done.  Baseball is in it's light practice rotation just to keep the skills up for the start of next season.  Indoor practice will begin soon.  Football is almost over.  One last game on Saturday.  Wrestling will begin soon.  To be down to wrestling and the few baseball practices will be easy, comfortable almost.

Foster care is slow and steady as always, not uncomplicated, but slow.  I look forward to the day Mr. Monkey has some finality and some peace, but I also understand--well, maybe not understand--I have empathy for a parent holding on to the last possible second to every hope they might have.  It's easy to look at them, the birth parents and criticize, to see their faults and all their mistakes.  It's easy to see the moments when they blow it.  It's hard to see their hearts.  No matter their actions, decisions, choices and so on, in some way, some form, they love their kids.  Maybe they don't, maybe you can be confident that their actions show their hearts, I'm not.  I'm not that confident that I can judge the heart of some other parent.  They may not be able to pull themselves or their lives together to be the kind of parent that gives good care or even adequate care, but for my peace, my sanity, I need to be able to walk away at the end believing that no matter what the outcomes are, in their hearts they love their children.  Even when it's my turn to raise them, they still love them.

Life comes in waves.  There have been some relationships having some renewals, some surprise delights.  There have been some getting some distance.  I've been on the edge of my parents handling medical issues.  It's odd to think us all this old.  My brother's wife is the angel caregiver.  I am grateful.  Very grateful.

The Mr. and I are days away from both our 20th anniversary and a trip.  Trips are good and bad.  I am learning to go to new places and see new things.  The combination of stressful, exciting and unknown.  It will be a challenge for Chicklet and the kiddos, but she is more than capable.  She is nothing short of amazing, more able to handle things, handle life, than she believes.

All the kids seem to be having a good school year.  I am happy for this.  It's easier when school is not something we are simply trying to survive and endure.

Tonight we will hang out in the school gym, with the youngest kids all costumed up. I have a little deal with a fellow mom.  She will stand around with me supervising my child volunteer if I stand around with her.  The music will be too loud, the screaming and strobe lights will make my head pound.  The smell of hot dogs will be nostalgic and nauseating all at once.

NaNoWriMo is just around the corner.  I have a few ideas, none of which I'm in love with.  I actually heard myself today saying something about writing a kind of crazy out there novel this time because "it's only 50,000 words, might as well have fun with it".  This may be some sort of sign that I'm insane.  Shoot me some story or plot ideas, maybe I'll pick yours for the next 50,000 words!

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