Wednesday, November 14, 2012

So What

I don't usually tell you all a lot, well, I do, but not a personal lot.  I have a lot of lives to protect after all.

But I'm cranky.  I'm in a cranky distracted unable to work on my book sort of place and after soliciting advice from friends about how to stay out of the dark place, how to get out of the black hole of I can't write, I can't finish, I can't, I can't, I can't...I'm realizing the only way I know how to get out and stay out is to do the hard thing I can't seem to work my way back into doing.

I have to write.

Sometimes it's the way into the hole.  Sometimes it's my sanity.

It is always my way out.

My words to myself are my horizon.

So my big organized plans to give myself breathing room, writing room this month have all but gone up in flames.  So what.

So the schools are making me nuts with computer things they want my kids doing.

So what that the band teacher picked dress blacks and the wrestling coach wants white with ties and it cost me an extra $70.

So what that behavior slips are on the rise and kids are coming home sick faster than I can send them to school.  And no.  I wouldn't have sent them if I thought they were sick.  I swear they were symptom free for 24 hours.

So what that both my parents have had surgery this month with unexpected major-make-your-daughter-worry-you-will-die complications.

So what that my friends are cranky with me because I'm not giving them the attention and time they deserve while I'm being swallowed alive by my life and still trying to finish another book.

So what that I have holiday guilt even though I feel like I'm making a good choice.

So what that I have doubts about our so solid foster case.  I've seen much more solid cases unravel for far less.

So what that laundry and dishes are waiting to be done.  Daily.  Cereal out of coffee mugs works just fine thank you very much.  Especially when the bowls keep getting broken.

So what that our dinners this month have been pizza, soup and grilled cheese.  Sometimes a chicken nugget or two.

So what that for a few days I was as sick as the kids and today is the first day I feel like I'm not living underwater and the thought of food doesn't make me hostile.

The month isn't over, the book isn't done and so what that my head still feels like it just might explode.

So what.

In the short way, that's what one of my friends said.

So what.

So what that life is dumping on you.  So what that you aren't seeing the bright side in the moment.  So what that the characters jacked your car and left you stranded with the bill at the diner.  So what that you've done nothing but make toast and pat heads for a week.

So what.

Your life didn't stop and the books not done and you're not done.  Don't quit without a real reason.

It's good advice my friends.
Very good advice.
Life advice.

So, so what.
Don't quit without a real reason.

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