It's been a long one.
I've been in conversations all over the place today about Mother's Day.
It's complicated to say the least.
I'm not one of those Mom's who gets super excited about the day. I don't anticipate gifts or cards or pampering or whatever. I don't dress up and go out to be seen and be proud.
I'm proud of my kids for being the survivors they are, but I don't need to stand up and be applauded for it.
So, what have I done today?
For a very large part of my day, I sat. I sat with a large 5 year old on my lap, holding him as if he were a baby. I let him sleep on my chest as if he were a newborn.
I spent another large part of my day talking and listening. Listening to the very confused heart break of a small child trying desperately to sort out the mess that is his life.
The questions this child asks have no answers.
The best I can say is we are your family now.
I am the mama now.
Yes, you will always love her. No matter what.
No, you might not be angry at her forever.
Yes, you can be angry with me because it's easier than being angry with her.
No, it might not ever make sense. Not to either of us.
Yes, it might be sad forever.
I'm pretty certain it will carry a touch of sadness forever.
Between all this each of the other kids all had at least one tantrum a piece.
I ran to the store. I made dinner. I rolled Little Miss' dreads with Lavender-Coconut oil.
I revisited some of the Mother's Day discussions and decided no, it's still not a day I love.