Chatter

So while I'm waiting and wading my way through this most yucky stretch of obedience I thought I'd fill up a little space here. I've got some big and frivolous thoughts all mixed together.

I was having, what I'd like to think of as perhaps one of the best summers I've had in years and years, only to find it suddenly being sucked right out from underneath me. No, wait. That's not exactly it. It's like a strange sucking hole. I saw it coming. I knew it was coming. From the minute we lost our first case worker, I just had a feeling this Little One was going to slip from us. It's okay. In a strange, sick, weird way, I know we're doing the right things. I know it will end well enough, but in a way, it's sucking a bit of life from us.

Just yesterday I thought, the sky is brilliant and the summer sun is at it's very best. And. I. feel. nothing.
The best tunes are blaring and I should be having that summer trippy music happy grove. But. I. can't. hear. it.
I have great and wonderful friends all around. But I've shut the door and stopped answering the phone. I hear you. I appreciate you. But I need a space. I know at least one of you "gets" that, but dang it, you're about the only one I could stand to talk with these days and you've been in your own quiet for months on end now. Life is stupid that way.

Court is tomorrow, so our time is almost up, the unexpected can always happen, but...

On the other hand, this life sucking phase is, well, sucky, so I'm going to skip it for a while. Instead we'll move on to some of the fluffy and fun.

I'm going to just state for the record how much I love having people in my life that don't fit the mold. I had a ridiculous great night last night, you know, the kind, I bet. A five minute conversation turns into a 5 hour thing and you cover everything and anything in the course of it. You laugh and you hit deep waters and. it's. just. plain. delightful. Then by morning you realize you are old. My sweet, beautiful, amazing friend is almost exactly 20 years, yeah, years, my junior. But it's good. I just can't quite remember when I stopped being 20. I love knowing all I know now and I wouldn't change my life, but still somehow, I'm still 20-ish deep in my mind.

Another friend lost her momma this week. Seriously. It makes my "tragedy" minor. My loss is really a half win, but insanely, I don't know how to walk this path.

I told you this would be a wandering one.

And I read a book. Well, that's not news. I read all kinds of books all the time, but this one really got me thinking. If you're even slightly interested it was Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. I'm sure there are plenty of you who will tell me with all seriousness to be very careful because his theology is off or whatever is the current buzz word way of saying that book is a piece of crap. Whatever. Don't read it then. I like to read different things. I've read the Bible, so I sort of feel like I can read a few of these other books and be smart enough to make some observations and maybe even learn a thing or two. Anyway.

It got me thinking about a zillion different things, but the thought that has run around in my mind the most lately is a big giant what if.

What if, all we "good Christians" did a little about face? What if we lived on the amount we gave away and what if we gave away the amount we lived on? You know, sort of totally reversed our budgets. I know, some of us give more time than money or whatever, but you get the idea. What if my family lived only on the amount of money we give away to charities and missionaries? What if I gave away all the money we budget for our families daily living? What if everyone did that?

Try to imagine the impact. Even if it was just one community doing it. Or what if it was our church doing something like that? What if our church decided to have a little "community pow wow" and pitch the idea that if we all gave up even some of our "glitzy" programing and all stepped in more, we could give away so much more? Would all the Christians leave for another church with more flash?

This God Thing Is Convicting

I told you I'd come back with a thought. It's not really my thought though, this is God's deal.

In between all that fun stuff, I've been reading. I'm reading Crazy Love and The Bible. Probably shouldn't be reading them both together if I'd like to keep on living my life the regular comfortable way, you know, without continual conviction.

So, anyway, here's a little bit from my quiet time this morning.

I sat down this morning to have some quiet time with the Lord and my mind was full. I was thinking about Little One and all my messed up feelings about him going and sort of half selfishly hoping he'll stay even though I really want what God wants and well, you know. Then I was thinking about the story I wrote and the prize and what stories come next and what the future could be and well, you know.

I read 1 Samuel 15. This is the chapter where Saul gets rejected by God as the King. The key is that Saul only half listens to what he's told. Samuel does a great job of telling Saul exactly what God wants him to do. Saul only follows part of the instructions. Then when he gets busted for it, he has the nerve to ramble on and on, trying to justify his disobedience.

Funny, that hits pretty close to what I'm reading in Crazy Love too. This idea that disobedience is rebellion and that we're only partially doing what God asks of us. Yeah, well, you know.

Back to 1 Samuel. So here's the key verse in my mind right now.

"But Samuel replied: Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king." 1 Samuel 15: 22-23

It leaves me thinking about how often we all obey in the way we want to obey, not in the way that we are asked. It also left me thinking about how often we justify our partial obedience with really lame excuses. I mean we love thinking how important we are and how great our lives are or how important our work or ministry might be, but really, compared to GOD, we're not much.

It got me thinking too, about what would life be like if we all really truly obeyed. It even made me wonder what I've been rejected from because of my disobedience. What are the things that God wanted me to be for Him that I never had the opportunity to become and experience because I chose to half heartedly obey and then add to it some lame excuse.