Wednesday, March 11, 2009

One of Those Days

I just can't seem to pull myself together today. I've been thinking it's the weather, all up and down, spring then winter in the blink of an eye, but then maybe not. Maybe it's the lack of solid uninterrupted sleep. Or the constant refrain of "Do you need to use the potty?" and "Did you pee your pants?". That endless standing in the doorway to the bathroom and waiting for the toddler to figure it out can be mind numbing and distracting.

I'm wanting to be encouraged and hopeful for my Little Extras, the fosters we have. They are special if not to any one for any reason, they are at least special to me.

In a way I travel their journey with them. I imagine the words to the feelings they are too small to even begin to understand. And I live with them in limbo land.

Little Miss is on hold. We thought we were progressing right along to adoption. Her case was even found to have grounds for termination of parental rights. But there has to be more, there always is. Now we're waiting for a hearing to determine the best interest of the child. That translates to answering the question, in the 2+ years she's lived with you and you've been her family through all that went on, good, bad and worse, have you all formed a real bond? Are you a family? And what about the fact that your white and she's obviously not?

Well, we thought we'd at least be going to court to proceed with this hearing in the next week or so, but we've been cancelled. Simply told there is a scheduling conflict. We'll be notified at a later date what our new court date is, oh and be ready to testify that the invisible thing that makes a real family is there in your life with her.

Sure, no problem. I won't worry about planing summer activities or setting appointments wondering when the new court time will be. I won't stress over finding child care to cover these days of being on call to testify. You just let us know, we'll rearrange and jump through all the hoops with smiles on our faces, again.

And then there's Little One. Again, I want to be encouraged.

Really and truely I entered the land of foster care with the intent, the goal of helping families get back together and stay together. So I want to be thrilled and yet I can hardly bite my tongue hard enough to prevent the sarcasam.

So I've had your child for months and months. There's been a call or two, a few outfits and plenty of good intentions. I have no doubts that you love your child, in fact I'm quite certain you do.

But, I am the person making all the appointments, giving the meds, arranging therapies and doing home care. I'm the one filling the humidifier and changing the diaper pail. It's a laundry pile in my home and baby food in my grocery cart. It's me up all night. It's me looking under the seats in the van for the favorite nuk. It's me who knows which one is the favorite nuk.

It's taking too long. Little One cries when I leave the room.

I'm thrilled you're trying again and starting to provide.

I am.

In my heart of hearts I am.

But it's a journey for both of us.

He's too little to get his hopes up and have them dashed, but I'm not. I long to see happily ever after, a family put back together.

As deeply as I love Little One, he could go home, he's supposed to. They're all supposed to. We're meant to be a temporary help. A stop gap before disaster. A baby sitter long enough for everyone to pull themselves back together and get back on their feet.

Things happen. Unexpected, unplanned. To all of us. Things happen and we need help. Most of us have a support network, even a loose and shaky one.

But it's like the song says, "we get by with a little help from our friends".

All this to say nothing I guess, just a long and rambling dumping.

Progress is progress, even when slow or shaky or superficial, who am I to say it's real or not.

I will see hope in it. I will.