Friday, August 21, 2009

Some Friday Funnies

Okay, I'm being lazy. These are funny and quite saucy so if you're of the sort, mind your eyes and come back another day. They were sent along to me by email. I'm assuming they've come from the infamous source Internet. That means sure as anything someone out there wrote them, but it wasn't me. I just enjoyed that they made me laugh and snort at my computer all by myself this afternoon.

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think

about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own

story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize

you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to

have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks

when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're

going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be

going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction

from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch

or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that

no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching

directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was


7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This

recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be

ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't

work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix

the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to

fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just

figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and

suddenly realize I had no idea what the f&*% was going on when I first saw


11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually

becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90

minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the

right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a

millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,

really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on

highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I

decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk

over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both

go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to

guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I

just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats

can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than

take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your

computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to

finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the

spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to


20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and


21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron

test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.

Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired

about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy,


23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I

hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and

smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up

to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'

examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.

Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes

that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each


28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and

instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I

know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the

person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the

shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,

and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their

profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the

Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every


37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would

probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go

around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly

nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a


39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work

when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything

productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want

to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are

going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if

I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did

not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching

TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if

I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only

a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still

be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China

and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that

when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?

Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to

voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run


47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing

anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she

hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet


49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then

I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed

for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but

no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not

know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to

answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I

find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the

fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to

with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys

in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but

I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet

away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would

happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the

link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they

drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or

Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag they

had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at

the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then

estimate d that there must be at least four people

eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by

myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before


64. When you get older can you not feel when food is stuck on your lip?

65. Why is everyone driving slower than you retarded and everyone driving

faster than you crazy?

66. Re-living college by going to a house party is not as fun as it

sounds. Choking down warm cups of Milwaukee's Best just doesn't cut it.

Especially after waiting by a keg for 30 minutes because the person tapping

it keeps filling all his friends cups first.

67. Why are other people's kids so annoying?

68. When driving past a truck always be conscious of where your hands are

and what’s on the seat next to you.

69. Thank god you can play bar league sports for life!

70. How is it that my unemployed friends are out and about doing things and

going places when I'm working and still can't afford it?

71. Can we all pick just the regular phone ring tone?

1 comment:

shelley said...

I loved these! Thanks for the laugh...