Okay, I'm being lazy. These are funny and quite saucy so if you're of the sort, mind your eyes and come back another day. They were sent along to me by email. I'm assuming they've come from the infamous source Internet. That means sure as anything someone out there wrote them, but it wasn't me. I just enjoyed that they made me laugh and snort at my computer all by myself this afternoon.
1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
when they've invented the lighter?
4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction
from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch
or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that
no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
5. That's enough, Nickelback.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f&*% was going on when I first saw
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90
minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the
right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
really gets it.
12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both
go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I
just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats
can recognize their own image.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy,
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.
Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes
that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
34. Bad decisions make good stories
35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the
Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.
41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if
I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only
a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still
be friends after this?'
45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then
I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the
fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but
I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.
60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before
64. When you get older can you not feel when food is stuck on your lip?
65. Why is everyone driving slower than you retarded and everyone driving
faster than you crazy?
66. Re-living college by going to a house party is not as fun as it
sounds. Choking down warm cups of Milwaukee's Best just doesn't cut it.
Especially after waiting by a keg for 30 minutes because the person tapping
it keeps filling all his friends cups first.
67. Why are other people's kids so annoying?
68. When driving past a truck always be conscious of where your hands are
and what’s on the seat next to you.
69. Thank god you can play bar league sports for life!
70. How is it that my unemployed friends are out and about doing things and
going places when I'm working and still can't afford it?
71. Can we all pick just the regular phone ring tone?