Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What If

What if the hardest thing I can think of doing is going to be the right thing to do?

What is better? Growing up with your siblings or growing up in the place you've lived for the last year with the people who love you and the life you thought was yours?

What if what I want is directly opposite of what the birth parents want?

Do I have the right to stand on a pedestal, stand firm in what I want and cite the best interest of the child?

How does one pack up a baby they've had for 15 months and move him out on Dec. 23?

How do you honor the birth parents?

How do you pray for the children to be happy and yet in your heart want a placement to fail?

How do I take enough photos and make enough memories?

How do I love this child hard enough to make it last the rest of his life?

How do I send him forward knowing he is so little he won't remember any of his time here?

How do I send the photos and lovies and gifts to the next stop without knowing that he's going to be able to keep them? How do I trust they won't be trash at the first gas station on the way to the "new" home?

How do I live with myself after I do the right thing?

How long does it take for peace to come?

Why am I the one making this choice?

How do I sort this out?

Why has it crawled along for 15 months and now I have only 10 days?


Karies place said...

My heart breaks for you. HUGS

I can't give you an answer, just prayers.

Debbie said...

Oh Jen, I can't imagine it. Too bad there is not a book in the written by Moses' mom...she might have something to say. Actually, Jen, God knows exactly how you feel. I will pray for you to feel HIs arms around you, but before that, I will pray for something to change before December 23rd. Big hugs to you.