Friday, September 24, 2010

Don't Stop Now

Again with the prayer thing?

Why yes, again.

We're in that stretch where life is piling up, it's hard.

It's the waiting part of praying and having faith.

I cannot focus and so this will sound list-ish.

A concussion is not something you bounce back from quickly. In fact, being the parent of the concussion is a bit unnerving. The symptoms are enough to make you uneasy. Littlest Mr. is not himself. The simplest task is suddenly a challenge. His personality has taken a sharp shift. It is hard not to have concern that these will be long term consequences of playing a game he loved.

There are other consequences from this head hit too. Will he be able to come back at all this season? Is it wise for us to let him even play this sport again? Will it shake his lion heart? Should we push our Disney trip out further? Could we do more damage to him by letting him ride rides already in November?

I am simultaneously holding two seemingly opposite things in my head right now with Little One.

I cannot seem to reconcile or make peace with the idea that God will allow these 2 men to be the parents of these 3 kids. In my mind it doesn't seem possible that this could be God's will for these kids, regardless of whether they end up with me.

At the same time, they're likable, decent guys. They're doing a pretty good job with the siblings, especially considering they went from no kids to 2 school age kids overnight. That's a hard thing for anyone. And on paper, right now, it looks like there is no hope of anything but Little One going there.

I cannot definitively say we are the best home. I have a pile of reasons why we are, but there are a pile of reasons why he should go too.

I'm sticking my head in the sand on practical matters. I'm ignoring the time ticking away when it comes to sorting out his toys from ours and packing his clothes and so on.

I'm allowing the garbage talk to creep into my mind about all the to do's that are sliding, like my homework, my house work, my house projects and my home organizing. I've let my hair go, skipped my make up more days than I have in years and years and have enjoyed far to many bites of chocolate. I'm short tempered, short on sleep and patience.

I'm keeping appointments and going to meetings and even taking some time out with friends for the sake of sanity, but on the same hand, feeling guilty for missing a single minute with Little One and feeling the pull to hover over the recovery of Littlest Mr. With Little One it's that need to squeeze in enough of everything to last him the rest of his life just in case and yet simultaneously knowing in a matter of months, maybe even just a few short weeks we won't even be a distant memory.

It can't be sugar coated. That's really life and really how it is. And in a way, it's probably a bit of a blessing for him if he can't remember us after he's gone.

So I'm praying. A lot. For God to shake the foundations in this case. I need Him to do whatever it takes to make His will for these kids happen. At the same time, I need to have some sort of understanding or peace or some way to navigate what happens when there is no "miracle" and Little One moves on exactly as the court papers say he will. I'm praying for a bit of release from the guilt I'm feeling as I look around my life and see all the things that are happening as we've begun to pray in earnest for an about face in the case.

We're praying for the unthinkable and all around us things are going haywire. The kids got sick. Littlest Mr. got a huge injury. A car broke. Things in the house broke. People really close to us and really praying hard on our behalf are having major medical things happen in their their kids. It is unthinkable that we should ask, no beg, for them to continue to pray on our behalf. The risks... An organization we are involved with is coming unglued in a weird way.

What can I say? If you don't believe, this is the mere grabbing at straws of a woman on the edge of loss, if you do believe, right now you have goosebumps at the force of the attack.