Wednesday, March 30, 2011

What Does Life Poured Out Look Like?

My life poured out looks like this.

Whatever I am, whatever I feel is put on hold and I pour out, over and over and over into the people around me.  I play at roles I am not qualified to be and yet I play and continue on.

I know this reads as nothing to you and yet it is what it is.  I give only what I am.  There is nothing else to be given.

It is silly and trite and petty. 

I have lost my dog. 

She has wandered away.  Somehow simply slipped the bounds of home and gone far from here and as it nears the next day I wonder where my pampered little hound is laying her head or if she's even still alive and yet it matters not at all.

The human mess around me was more, is more and so it should be and so it will continue to be.

It's a dog.

Nothing more.  More are out there to be had and will be when the time is right again.  Just as it was the first time.  .  Dogs are simply dogs.

In the shower tonight this was so very clear what I was trying to say to you. 

The  few of you who "get me" will wonder if you somehow missed, if you weren't enough and that's not it at all.  This is a thing unto itself. 

Somehow it just is.

She was a dog that filled a gap for me in this life.  A constant comfort and companion always looking to see where i was, always underfoot.

Mostly unliked by others.  She scared people.  She nipped and play bit and sometimes bit for real.  She was snarly in her age and well, frankly, so am I.  She was abused and bread and it matters not.  There are no excuses.  She was a thief.  I think her last big hiest was a full loaf of bread.  Her most famous was all the rolls for Thanksgiving dinner or maybe it was Easter.  She was a hunter and took a beloved family pet as her snack.  I'm still sorry for it.

She was me.  Every one's  pet peeve and yet  somehow tolerated and accepted a little.  It's how it goes to live on the margin.

And now it's dark and cold and I don't know where she is
and it matters not
there is nothing I can do
there is no way to find her
it was accidental
and somehow as the mom i am it

I process pen to paper
as always

little good

there are no feet scratching at my door
and there wont' be

but see this is poured out

you would not know for weeks on end if I didn't push the publish button tonight
the same for my back or my plans i make or my deadlines i miss or anything else
you would not know if i did not tell and that's okay
this is not a guilt trip
this is not a plea
i don't want your phone calls and offers and comments
i really honestly don't
thanks anyway

this is simply what poured out looks like for me in this life

i put my junk aside and spend my hours and energy and attention on you


because you were brought to me and needed by me and above all else
because I was asked by HIM

and I said yes

poured out is one word


it is one phrase

yes God

it is one action

I will