The Effects of Sleep Deprivation

We take in little ones. Little enough that they still need to be fed during the night. That means I'm up a lot in the quiet hours.

In those hours that I'm doing the feedings, in my mind I'm writing. I'm writing beautiful, exquisite, profound things.

By the time I'm done with the feeding the only think I want to do is get back to bed. My scribbled notes are nothing but scrambled memories in the mornings.

Lost sleep for me is lost words and thoughts.

For the babies we take it, it's a life line. Food, comfort, relearning how to trust.

Exhausting.

Frustrating.

Completely worth it.

Can You Make Sense Of It All?

All your life you hear the words, "these are the best years of your life". Everyone saying it sincerely means it at that moment, but it maybe should be every year is the best year of your life, at least if you're really living a life that is.

Now, I'm only a late 30's girl, so I don't have a ton of life wisdom to stand on here, but I'll give it a whirl anyway. As my brother would say, back in the day, in high school, we were all assured that those were the best years of our lives. We were to really live them to the full because after that, it was down hill. After high school came responsibility, college, work, real relationships and all that other non-sense. Then in college, I heard a familiar thing, those very same words. These were the best years of my life.

Again.

Next, it was the late 20's after college. Those were the best years of our lives.

Well, here I am in the late 30's and I'll say, each cluster of years was at that time, some of the best of my life, but the 30's are far different.

These are the years that life is lived out in a startling intensity. The joys are beyond measure of anything I'd ever anticipated. On the flip side, the sorrows are just as gripping.

As is the custom for Thanksgiving time, I've been reflecting and taking note of all the things I'm thankful for. The list stretches on and on, from the tiny like a Friday night glass of wine, a warm home, to the huge like plentiful friends and relative good health.

On a blog I read, on Thanksgiving day she challenged us to be thankful for the hard things, the things we don't understand, the things that hurt and rip at our hearts. She has since taken the entry down for some editing and clarification, but I'd still say, go visit Bring The Rain--the link is on the side--and give it a read. She is a true example of a Christ follower.

So, in the spirit of her post, I'll list a few of my own.

Dear Lord, I am thankful for the blessing of Autism in my family. I am thankful for cancer that is ripping apart lives all around me. I'm thankful that my best friends all live in other parts of the country. I am thankful for birth parents that fail their children.

That gives you the idea. It's sort of the same as saying that you will praise Him in the storm. You will live by faith in this life.

And so it goes, these days in my late 30's, and I claim them as the best days yet. Their sheer intensity and raw emotions are extreme and exhausting, but each night when I finally fall into my bed almost sleeping before my head hits the pillow, I am great-full for it all. For without them, I would hardly know I was alive.

Vacation Days

The Mr. takes off work the week of Thanksgiving, so we are well into vacation mode over here.

Friday night was a typical family Friday for us. The kids got to choose some of the TV and we all lounged in front of the fire place. Dinner was pizza thanks to my poor planning and a partially burnt, yet frozen chicken.

Our days have been lazy. Sleeping in, eating late, playing in the snow. Books to read and glasses of wine.

I'm working at keeping the house partly clean for our endless stream of case workers and of course, Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to the Macy's parade on TV, a special cup of coffee and the smells of turkey. I'm thinking out all the extras right now.

It should be wonderful.

Lighter Notes

Today over left overs for lunch The Littlest Mr. and I started talking about ultimate sandwiches. We share the blessing of an iron stomach.

His version of the ultimate burger or hot dog would be something to see. I suspect that it wouldn't be too bad, but a bit on the messy side.

Grilled burger, cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomato, fried sweet onions, ketchup, yellow mustard, sweet pickle relish, BBQ sauce, and ranch dressing.

Really messy.

Today, we're just enjoying a little bit of a quiet and peaceful day. It's dark and dreary and snowy outside, icicle cold too, but we're all tucked in nice and cozy. There's been some nice cooperative play time and some read aloud time too. Plenty of coffee and sleeping dogs. The space has been somewhat recovered from the toys.

I'm looking forward to the start of our long break. We'll still have plenty of school projects and assignments to finish up, but we'll be off the schedule for a while. We'll be thinking of the holiday season and putting most of our focus there and on enjoying some family time.

It Feels Like Chaos

Where to begin.

Every day it seems we are receiving news that makes the picture look more bleak for Little Miss. There are less encouraging words.

Now the talks are filled with phrases like be aware, be prepared, do you understand the odds.

The biological often trumps the non.

It seems like the chance of Little Miss finding her forever family with us is slipping away.

I understand this, but I cannot process it.

We always knew this was how it worked. The laws are written that way. "Family" comes first.

I did not become a foster parent to adopt, but I couldn't say no to the ask either.

I dreamed to soon it seems.

Where I am today is a place I've never been before.

I cannot stand under the weight of this.

But I will kneel.

I will kneel and pray. I will wait with expectation of miracles. I will wait for His peace. I will learn to praise Him through this.

I have dreamed so much for her and now I am feeling forced to think new thoughts. Some of them are pure selfishness and pain on my part, but most are heart break for her.

See, I know now, that when she wakes at night and calls out for Mama, she means me. When she sees a car pull up to the house, she runs to see if it is her Daddy, The Mr. The Little Mr.'s are simply "Her Boys".

Just last night as I tucked her into bed and held her hand, she looked up at me and said, night night in my bed.

To even begin to think of what this will do inside her heart when she is sent to live with her "real" family or her "new" family or whatever stupid way we try to coat in sugar covered words is something that I cannot do.

I fear that I will be weepy and shaky for the next two months while we wait. I fear she will think I've lost my mind as I can hardly hold her without tears and whispered "I love you's". I cannot pass her bed at night without kneeling to stroke her head.

I do not know how to do this, but I know that I will learn.

The Mr. left on a business trip yesterday and we had a long day at home. Thanks to some new video games and find a picture books though, I was able to get a whole lot done around the house. By late afternoon I was feeling pretty smug.

That always comes back to bite you in the butt.

Around 10:30 last night Little One and I were deep in negotiations. Well, it was actually a lot more like me begging a 5 month old to please, pretty please go to sleep!

The fun has just kept on going today. Little Miss is 2. Need I say more? Just in case you don't fully understand or respect that though, it means we've had lots of wailing, kicking and yelling. "mine" "no" "want" "MINE" Add in the fun of potty training and the two Little Mr.'s being a bit obsessed with their new games. Thanks Uncle D and Auntie O. There's nothing like new video games to send kids over the edge.

I may also have opened my mouth where I shouldn't have. Or more accurately typed when I should have been still. The internet makes the world small and connections sometimes too easy. I prefer to live a life unnoticed and I may have just put a neon sign on my forehead. ugh.

This life sure is a strange journey sometimes.

Where To Begin?

I was not going to post today because I really wanted you to spend your few minutes visiting Andrew and Hollyn's cancer pages and praying for them, but I read this in the paper this morning and nearly threw up.

http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/34424614.html

Now the story has been breaking for a few days. I know because most places I've gone in the last few days, people have made the comments. You know, all the ones about the failed foster care system, bad social workers, bad foster parents, blah, blah, blah.

Those comments are a pain to be sure. They're right up there with some of those others, like "aren't you worried about your kids socialization?" and "wow, your kids have a lot of energy". That last one is a personal favorite because we all know that really translates to "wow, your kids are obnoxious, I can hardly wait for you to leave".

Anyway.

The story hits close to home as this is a situation that we are potentially looking at for Little Miss. Now, I don't know a thing about the relative that came forward and is interested in adopting her other than she is also a foster parent. I would never put her in the catagory of a foster parent that would kill the very child she is supposed to be protecting, but it is alarming to say the very least.

These are the days where it is hard to see God's hand in all things. I know it is there, but it's still hard to see. In the days since we learned there is another adoption option for Little Miss, I've come back around to where I was at the begining and where I've gone at one time or another with each one of my kids, that is, simply, they are not mine. They are His. I'm blessed to have them in my life as long as He sees fit, but beyond that is second guessing God. I certainly don't know better than God, no matter what my mommy heart might feel.

So I stand firm that I love her and would love for her to be a part of our family forever, but if that isn't the way it ends up, I will be ok. I will hurt and wonder what if and pray over her for years and years, but I will rest in knowing that I did what I was asked to do as best I could for as long as was needed. I will be able to let her go.

Now, the next part. Get involved. There are so many kids in our country that need help, get involved. Not everyone is cut out to be a foster parent. I think it's just reserved for us nuts, but that said, there is plenty you could do. Be a mentor to a child. Be a mentor to a parent. Help out at a school, maybe not just your child's school or classroom, maybe one in another part of town. Donate what you can for the kids. They need so much more than just a few Christmas gifts. Create a scholarship. Go hold babies in the NICU or PICU. Donate some child's hot lunch for a year or a semester. Offer to give a ride. Baby sit. Fund raise. Walk or Run for charity. Buy one extra thing each time you grocery shop and leave it in the food pantry box at the grocery store. Stop giving sideways glances to the person using a WIC check. Don't be smug about never going to the public health office. Provide respite care. Don't be afraid of social workers. Don't judge them either. Same said for the birth parents, even when they're addicts or felons, some of them are nicer than the average suburbanite. Don't give those fake friendly comments, like, "wow, you really have your hands full". It's just judgement in disguise and we all know it. Trust me, if my kids are acting up or out, I'm aware. Really. Don't say, "I could never do what you do" whether you mean a medical thing, a foster care thing, a homeschool thing or just a general life thing, because you probably could. We can all do tons of things we never think we could do, we just simply haven't been in that situation yet. When God throws you into one of those situations, you will be strong enough to do whatever you need to do.

Stretch yourself to find ways to help kids. One day they will be the big people and if we haven't helped them, taught them, loved them, we'll reap the rewards.

OK, I'm just about done crabbing today.

Today, the thing I'd like you to do first for the kids is pray. Pray for Andrew. Pray for Hollyn. Pray for Little Miss and Little One. Pray for all the kids in foster care and all the kids that should be in foster care. Pray for the ones left alone, beaten, starving or scared. Pray that some big person would come along and be the big person.

I was going to share with you today my crazed ranting about my neighbors that need hobbies, but somehow sick kids take priority over retired folks mowing their lawns with mittens on.

Both Andrew and Hollyn are not doing very well. Please follow the links, read their stories and leave your prayers for them.

There just isn't anything else to say.

Pray for the kids. Pray for your kids. Pray for the kids you know. And the kids you don't know.

It's In His Hands

I've been quiet for a day or two, so it's time for some updates.

The weekend was crazy busy, but mostly good. The boys did well at tournament and really loved it. It is a bit on the overwhelming side, though and we've had a few days of behavior fall out to deal with. We also had grandma and grandpa and the great charity gala. Again, the kids loved hanging with grandma and grandpa. We had a great time at the gala and shopped a lot for charity. Always fun.

Sunday was the general insanity of trying to squeeze in the whole weekend's worth of errands and yard work and house work into one day. Full does not really describe it.

Monday morning meant an early trip to Children's Hospital with Little One. He's doing just great. He's gaining tons of weight and seems to be improving over all.

Monday afternoon is where the world started to turn upside down. Somehow along the line here I've lost my bearing and I'm having a hard time getting it back.

God answers prayers. That's the truth. It just isn't always the way we think it should be or the way we want it to be.

For two years now, I have prayed for Little Miss. I've prayed that what ever happens in her world or life would be what is best for her according to His will.

Now somehow as time has gone by adding her to our family forever seemed like it would be an option. Hearings have come and gone and with each passing one, the "pros" have made it seem like more and more of a sure thing.

That is, until Monday. Just before that hearing we learned that there is another family, potentially blood relative among other great qualifiers, that is interested and willing to adopt our Little Miss.

Well, the "pros" are still talking that we're the sure thing, but some other people aren't nearly so sure. Quite honestly I feel like I'm in a storm, under some great cloud and can't see God. I'm looking and looking and searching and straining to see anything, even a hint, and I can't. I see nothing.

Now, I know better than anyone God has not abandoned me. He has not left Little Miss. He has not been surprised by this new development.

I might have been surprised, even though I was expecting to see "every trick in the book".

I am searching to find joy and blessing in this uncertanity, for I know it is there somewhere. I am trying to rest easy in my own prayer because even though my selfish heart aches at the possiblities, I really, truly do want what is best for her.

More than I want to be able to call her daughter, I want what is best for her.

Saturday Plans

Thanks to technology, even though I'm not at the tae kwon do tournament with my boys, I'm getting the up dates. It seems that they will have a new experience this year. They may not be bringing home a big pile of trophies. In a way, as hard as it is, it's good. So far for them, the tournaments have been lots of feel good, most kids get trophies, experiences. Now, they are higher belts and due to life, we haven't been nearly as diligent at getting to practice. I'm hearing they aren't finishing in the top 3. Either way, I hope they're having a great time and are proud of themselves, because I'm real proud of them.

Around here, I'm home with the two babies. They are cooperating pretty well and I'm getting a few things done. That is wonderful as tonight is the black tie charity gala for St. Marcus school and it also means grandma and grandpa. They will stay over tonight and grandma will stay until Monday to help me out with the kids while I'm in court for Little Miss on Monday.

So far, a great Saturday. Dishes done, dinner in the crock pot. Laundry done, mostly. Somehow there is always more in the chute when I look and the clean stuff hardly gets folded and in the drawers before the dryer is full with another clean load. The toys are picked up, the trash is out. The floor has been swept. Again. Next, on to the basement to get the extra bed ready.

Soon enough, I'll be playing the get pretty game. Next year, I'm changing my plan. Two years in a row, I've picked out things to wear that are formal, but short sleeves and strapy shoes, mostly because that's what's out there, but the weather!! Two days ago it was prime time for wearing shorts, but the gala is hours away. Last year was high winds, rain and sleet. Seems that we'll have the same thing this year. Next year, I'll be on a quest for a Wisconsin winter friendly formal!

What A Morning

One of the perils of this foster care life is the amount of appointments in new places.

The next peril is that I am not equiped directionally.

The next is that I get disproportionally annoyed with poor directions and the people who give them.

So far today I have spent 2 hours driving around in the pouring rain with 4 kids lost in various cities of Milwaukee and Waukesha County.

We missed our appointment.

Now, we're getting ready to do it all over again.

We have a new appointment for this afternoon. We're inhaling lunch, changing diapers, restocking the car snacks and heading back out on the road to try it again.

I hope to pull it off and still get the boys to sparing practice, not loose my mind or commit any act of road rage.

Vote & Get Free Stuff--So American!

I'm going to say it like you don't already know it, GO VOTE! GO VOTE, GO VOTE, GO VOTE!!! Help get this crazy, stupid thing over with so we can get on with life again. I'd love it if the phone would stop ringing and I could find my mail in the mailbox again. I want to see holiday decor on the lawns instead of stupid signs.

OK, ranting over.

Well, almost.

One of the best part of election day is all the "patriotic" companies offering deals and free stuff. For example, StarBucks is offering free coffee today, all you have to do is ask. Here locally, they are also offering free holiday lattes and mochas. Way cool. I have also seen that Krispy Kreme is giving away donughts and Ben & Jerry's is giving away ice cream. I'm sure there are other places too, just go Google and ask.

Ah, Google. The modern equivilant of calling information.

Now, on to lawn decor. What is with those giant inflatable things? I so completely don't get those. My running joke with The Mr. is that we have skipped the lawn decor and taken on extra kids for less than the cost of the inflata-junk. Hasn't anyone noticed that they are all ugly? Doesn't anyone think they look rediculous when they tip over? And where does a person store all these sets of outdoor decorations? I can barely figure out where to store all the indoor practical stuff we actually use, let alone 8000 pumpkin decorations and turkey things. Don't even get my started on Christmas.

I might just be the biggest bah humbug on the whole block.

I think I'm just more a spirit of the season sort of person than a decorate the place person.

Well, I for one, am looking forward to tonight. We have our teen Bible study group and we are planning to watch the election results/coverage with them tonight. I think it will be very interesting. For teens that can't yet vote, they really are interested in the election.

Off catch up with my day that's running away with out me!

Monday Madness

Here I am on a Monday night listening to Jimmy Buffet, kids getting in bed and I'm thinking all is right in the world.

The candy is gone and the sugar coma is almost over. I expect in another day or so it will have worked its way through their little bodies and we'll return to our version of normal.

The calendar is all filled up for the week thanks to modern medicine. We have more dental, doctor and therapy appointments this week than there are opportunities to have lunch.

Worship on Sunday was amazing. Just exactly what we needed, even when we didn't know we were needing it. We're adapting to Sunday mornings. I still can't say I love it. I was spoiled long ago at Blackhawk. There is just something wonderful about Sunday night service. It's a perfect way to end the weekend and be in the right frame of mind for Monday. Plus, I loved bringing home the kids from church, handing out the bed time snack and then having a quiet night with The Mr. I was feeling pretty at home with Fox River's Saturday night, but it wasn't meant to be.

Sunday mornings, although being a scramble, is growing on me. We have a hit or miss of 3 or 4 kids with us so that can mix it up a bit. What I get on Sunday that I wasn't getting on Saturday night, is the start of connections. On a Sunday morning the odds are good that I'll see some families I know from Tae Kwon Do or some other place. I might see some of my high school kids or maybe even the waiter from date night. Seeing familiar faces that smile back with recognition is huge.

I did find something to wear for this weekend's black tie event. I found shoes too. It only took about 3 hours of shopping to find a pair that fit, were pretty and didn't cost as much as an island vacation. The strangest part of my Saturday shopping trip was the man who changed his pants in the Kohl's parking lot. I just drove away because I couldn't even process that through my head. People are weird.

Today was phone call catch up day, hence the full calendar and clean up for the other half of the appointments. Plenty of our appointments happen right here in our home. In a way, that's great. It forces me to stay more on top of my housework than I would naturally. There always seems to be someone coming over to see us about something related to our foster care life.