On Friday, we started making the transition back to 3 kids. It's pretty quiet around here. I expect it will still take a few more days to really get back to our regular sort of life, but we're on the path.

Over all, it's been pretty smooth. We're all a bit tired and our bodies seem a little sore and worn out. On the emotional side, we're having some short tempers, a need for alone time, and a few tears. And that's just the grown ups---no, I'm kidding, well, only sort of.

It was a long 8 days, and we all absorbed a lot. Certainly none of it was bad, I wouldn't change any of it, and I'd do it again in a breath, but still, we're feeling it a bit.

As for Andrew, he's having another big day of medical stuff, so keep him in your prayers. The blessings are abundant though. His response to treatments has been great and most tests have had pretty good results.

In my part of this, I've been reminded of two things. The first I touched on a few days ago. We "do" things like this by faith. We can't see or know the out comes, we can't understand or answer the "why is this happening" questions, but we have faith and we take the next step. The second thing is that God is faithful, He keeps His word and His promise. Through all the ups and downs, through all the challenges I've ever experienced, I've never been given more than I could handle--with Him, or something that had no way out.

My thoughts are still scattered. I'm guessing I'm just like my boys, and I'll need at least a few more days to really process. We just had a lot of stuff pile up all at once and it was intense to know that really all of it, were things beyond our control. There were plenty of things I wanted to worry over and fuss about, but in the end, there was nothing I could do about any of the situations. There is still nothing I can do, but my part, then pray, and then wait.

There it is. The wait. That's the hardest part for me. I just like things to move swiftly and cleanly, but life isn't like that and certainly not Christian life. Seems that doing the right thing is often messy. Some things, I'm just having a hard time letting go of. I've recognized my selfishness and it stings. I'm trying to let my wants go and see instead what God may have planned for us. I'm trying to take my eyes off myself.

It goes like this. I want what God wants for us. I want what is best for my family. I want to do the work that God wants me to do. But, temptation is great and I am human. Temptation can look like so many honorable things and yet when you really examine it, it's still just temptation.

I foresee a long year ahead of waiting. Waiting on God and waiting on my own selfishness, my own strongholds, my choice to let go and let go and let go, over and over, day after day.

Zoo Pics

A Day At The Zoo

Yesterday was wonderful.

We had fun at the zoo, played in the park, took pictures and had lots of hugs and laughs. My little group also road the carousel and hit the gift shop.

Our only glitch for the day was the almost hour long traffic jam we got stuck in. The kids were great though, and so it didn't matter.

I'll try to post some pictures later.

All around though, it was just a great day. I went to bed last night full of warm fuzzies and thoughts of "going home".

It's not so much that Madison is home to me, although I've always loved the city and my parents are there, it's that those ladies I hung with yesterday are home to me.

It was so blissfully easy to sit around the picnic table with them and laugh and chat. It was so comfortable to walk along through the zoo and talk in bits and pieces with each one.

Each one of you blessed me abundantly yesterday. Enough so, that my heart today is all warm and sunny even though I've had only a few hours of sleep.

When I find my transfer cord, I'll post a few pictures. Especially the one of all the kids. Yesterday in our group we were missing only 1 mom, and about 5 kids.

The Mr. looked at the pictures last night of all the kids and said, anyone who thinks you mommies aren't busy is just nuts. Look how many you have between you, and they're all awesome kids, not a bad one in the bunch.

Know what, he's right. These are great kids and wonderful moms.

Well, it's another day.

I'm going to be a step my crazy today and take a large group of the kids on a road trip with me.

I'm going to see some old friends. We've been planning and trying to find a date we could all make for what seems like years!

Today is our day.

I also just wanted to let you know I've added a link on the side to my nephew Andrew's Caring Bridge site at Children's Hospital. This way you can read about him and how he's doing first hand, along with leaving some encouragement for his family. Soon they'll have some pictures of this precious little guy you've been praying for.

Hope your day is wonderful in every way.

So Far, So Good

Things are going pretty well.

I am pleasantly surprised. I suspect it is all the prayers.

I've been able to be calm, pleasant and tolerant with all the kids. That is a stretch for me. I have a hard time with that even on a regular day with my little pack. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it with a double size bunch.

I've been able to keep up reasonably well with things like dishes, laundry and cooking. The level of clutter is up and there seems to be shoes multiplying in the dark, but it's all good.

We've managed to have some fun too. We've had tears of course and plenty of worry. There are lots of stolen moments where I have to wander off to search out a missing child, only to find one with red eyes who will swear they are OK. It's all good though.

I've played games and given some cooking lessons. I've listened to lots of wonderful piano music from all levels. I've gotten to give out a whole ton of hugs and I've embraced paper plates. I've learned which way to spilt kids and just when is the moment to offer up snacks and movies on demand.

I think with the weather forecast for the next few days, we'll be heading to the movie store this morning. Hot, humid and thunder storms. Sounds like movie days to me. Ah, summer afternoons sprawled on the rug, lolling in front of a movie. Yup, I think that'll do. We'll spread it out with board games and music time. It should work out just fine.

I just noticed I have 3 little boys out side playing light sabers, 1 in his pj's. I'm so glad we can entertain the neighborhood the way we do.

For little Andrew, today will be his hardest day of chemo, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. There is some hope that he will be able to go home tomorrow and the family is really, really hoping for that. There will, of course, be continued rounds of time in Children's to complete what could be years of treatments for this little guy, but at least the beginning shock part is almost over.

Another Day Down

It's almost 11:00 PM. I have the last kid in bed, almost asleep. The dog put herself to sleep hours ago. Some laundry has been done, we ate 3 solid meals and I only handed out 2 ice packs. I personally didn't break up any fights, but did get quite a few light sabers in the butt. I've dried up a lot of tears, sent emails and made phone calls. I've thinned my calendar dates a bit. Last night I jammed my fridge full and tonight I noticed there was a bit more space on the shelves than I thought there would be. I learned how to buy movies on demand and stood my ground with a very unhappy mom.

Today in my house the water ran almost continuously. Showers, dishes, laundry and flushing. Ever wonder how much toilet paper a family of 10 uses? It's a lot. Same with paper towels and paper plates.

Yes, I know. Today alone, I have killed half the rain forest.

Sorry.

Maybe it'll grow back in time.
In time for what?
I couldn't tell you.

Somehow we still made it to baseball practice. I plan to make it to piano lessons, the visit, the surgeon and therapy yet this week. Everything else, we'll see when we get there.

Never before in life have I been so humbled. Never before have I lived so much life from my knees.

I Don't Know How To Do This

These days there are questions in my house that I can't answer, from 2 to 18.

Why is God letting, making, not stopping all these crazy things from happening to my family?

Is my brother going to die?

Is he going to be OK?

God planned this, right?

The doctor can fix this right?

The medicine will make it better right?

What is leukemia?

I'm walking through these days with my heart in my throat and and a prayer on my lips, Lord, I don't know how to do this? I just don't know how to do this?

This family has endured much in the last year. Adoption. A child with multiple serious illnesses. Surgery for dad. Surgery for big brother. Stitches. Brain disorder. Head on collision. Another car accident. Traffic court. This just barely scratches the surface.

And here I sit, wondering how to do it, mostly alone over the next few days or weeks with 6-7 kids under my care. How silly for me to focus there.

And yet it is as if I can't walk closer to God on this because the thing is so very raw and my mind is consumed with the worst. How can I go there?

Right now, with all those little eyes looking to me, I can't feel those things or sort them through.

I will walk by faith
even though I cannot see

isn't that how the song goes?

walk by faith even though I can't see

Right now, I can't seem to see.

I honestly woke up in my bed this morning and thought I'd had a dream. Then I started hearing kids. I realized I wasn't dreaming at all. There really were 7 little people here in my house.

We will do this, and do it well.
We will walk by faith.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
The path is there
behind the fog
I feel it to be so
even though I see darkness instead of light.

Prayer Needed

Just when you think you're getting a handle on life, it gets tipped upside down.

Well, that's exactly what it is around here. And I need you to pray.

In December my nephew got his forever family with my sister-in-law and her group. Everyone has delighted in this precious little man. He is two now, and needs your prayers.

We learned yesterday that he has leukemia.

I raced down to take care of my nieces and nephews right away. That means I'm single handing 7 kids, including 1 with stitches, 1 post-op, 1 foster, and lots with special needs. Now factor in the fear of trying to understand what is happening with your brother or cousin and I've had my hands full.

Today we'll be moving the group to my house. Tomorrow we'll take one to summer camp. All along the way we're going to have all kinds of ups and downs, tears, laughter and melt downs.

Please pray for us over the next few weeks and months as we wait this out to see what God is going to do. Pray for me as I make the quick transition to mom of 7. Their mom and dad will be around, but will mostly be at Children's with their littlest guy. Pray for all the kids as their schedules are all topsy turvey.

Ugly Comfy

Read It In The Paper

I hope this is a link to a story I read in the paper this morning. Well, not a story, but an opinion. I have trouble making the links work. If not, the address is:
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=762639

It seems like I read something similar in the paper every day. Sometimes it's about education, sometimes crime and gangs, sometimes abortion or teen pregnancy, any which way, I think the point is being missed.

In this particular column there are a few issues. The first issue is the mis-labeling of kids. Yes, disabled ought to mean some sort of actual disability and not "just" behavior issues, attendance issues or failing grades. It ought to. I don't know that with kids arriving at school in the state they're in, it's possible to rule all these other things out as a disability, at the very least, it's a true disadvantage.

Ms. Larson continues on in her column to state what most people believe. A school ought not to be asked to do the parents job of teaching manners, obedience, self-control, etc. Well, she's ultimately right. It should be the parents job. Parents are not doing their jobs. There are exceptions, as she stated by telling us of her nephew's outstanding performance in school, I'd guess partially due to having parents--notice the plural--that were doing their parenting jobs.

It's true. Most parents in aren't doing the job that parents two or three generations back were doing. Most families don't even look like they did a few cycles back. The family with a traditional, old fashioned marriage is an oddity. A current family may be a 20-something single woman with multiple kids from different fathers. The children may or may not know their fathers. The parents may or may not be working. The parents may or may not be high school graduates. Their grandparents might be in their 30's or 40's. Their grandparents might be married, they might have different children from all different sorts of situations, they might work, they might be high school graduates; but the reality is, they might not be.

So when you're a kid, all cocky and scared, living in a city that is by any means dangerous by day and deadly by night, and you're not seeing a future, what do you do? When you look back in your family and see that no one you know is married or ever stayed married, what does that do? What about looking into your family and seeing no one whose stuck it through and graduated, no one that's ever held a job or kept a job longer than a few months? What's it like to live in a life where getting arrested is normal? What's it like to live when things like juvie jail and foster care are normal?

Don't we think that any of that comes into play when we chatter on about what a school should do or not do for these kids? Yes, a school can't do everything, nor should it be expected to, but for an awful lot of these kids, their families are failing them, so it is up to the schools. We seem to keep forgetting that all these hard kids with the bad behavior come from places where there are no role models, there isn't a lot of good attention, there isn't much self-esteem, there is no reward for working hard and doing the right thing. Staying in school and doing the right thing makes you some sort of crazy or weak.

We seem to forget that these kids are going to grow up to be adults. They'll either get some help from the schools now, and grow up to be adults maybe with diplomas, jobs, better manners, some self control and maybe better parents than their own parents were to them, or they'll follow the cycle. They'll stay in their place. They'll become those adults we shake our heads at and say, why can't they pull it together, get their GED's, get a drivers license, get a job. Why can't they be better parents to their kids? Why?

Well, Duh

Always, I am learning. Always God is teaching.

Just a few days ago, I was thinking about some possible future situations, praying and trying to "see" what God wanted. It was around that time that The Mr. said, you know, maybe it isn't hard and God would bless us if we choose that option.

Hmm. I hadn't thought of it that way. I was focused on the "bad" bits. You know, if we choose this, this thing will be hard, if we choose the other, this other thing will be difficult. Of course, I could see too, that there were great things in both situations. What I couldn't see was direction. More specifically a direct direction about what to do or not do.

I ended up deciding to not think about it any more. Genius, right? Well, sort of. It's all just what if-ing at this point anyway, and we're told not to worry about tomorrow. So, I did just that. I stopped thinking it over.

So last night The Mr. brought it up again. See, we just can't let it rest, even though we say we'll just wait to see what happens. We're such a bunch of human beings that way. Anyway, last night, he said, "What if it doesn't matter?"

Huh?

What if it doesn't matter which side we choose? Isn't God going to use us in either one? Aren't we going to be Christians in both settings? Wouldn't God continue to work in our lives regardless?

Duh.

Sometimes the most simple concepts are the most difficult to grasp. They are the ones most difficult to live out, even when we intellectually grasp them. We can internalize the theory all we like, but to live it out in live action in our everyday lives is a whole different game.

MTV & J K Lee

Just in case you're thinking of watching the 100th episode of MADE on MTV to see J K Lee in action, the time has been moved. It should air at 3 & 8 PM on June 14th. It will show one of the teachers and a part of a tournament.

Choices

OK, I admit it. I've done the mommy thing. I've spent a whole lot of time taking care of the family and neglecting myself. We've done endless rounds of doctors, labs, dentists, therapy and such. We've navigated all sorts of diets and supplements. We've come out pretty well on the healthy side all things considered.

On the other hand, this mommy has not stuck strictly to any sort of diet or healthy program. Exercise has been sporadic and eating a comfort. So now, I'm paying the price.

I finally took myself in for all the various doctor checks and the report is only so-so. I have a mild form of exhaustion called KIDS!!! My limited exercise program involves KIDS and cleaning. It is apparently not that effective as I have gained a bit more than I'd really like to fess up to. Then there's that whole cholesterol thing. My mild mannered doctor got mildly excited over my numbers.

So now I've been given a dead line of sorts. I have 3 months to pull down my numbers and improve my general health. Bring on the advice. Should I stock up on certain supplements, try out a specific diet or exercise routine? Should I just call my doctor back and say, whatever, bring on the drugs? What do you think?

This is the first morning of the week that I haven't been trying to get 3 little people cleaned, dressed, fed and out the door before 9. Now, we're early risers around here, but it still is total insanity. Most of the time the kids are all up well before 7. Most of the time we're all fed before 8. Most of the time our mornings have an easy, relaxed pattern to them. This week we threw the whole thing in the blender and tried to make the best of it. Whirl on puree and that's about how it's looked.

It's not a bad thing, really, we've just had a lot of extra appointments and summer schedule changes. Having some high needs kids and a changing schedule has made for more than our fair share of screaming, tear filled melt downs. Not to brag, but the melt downs my 3 kids can produce will put most of the toddler population of the world to shame. Even my oldest can produce something truly spectacular when he really wants to. It's just life with spectrum kids.

And that's really part of the point. That's just my life. All my kids are high needs, no matter how average they might look on the out side or how well they've been trained to pass for normal in certain social settings, they are simply high needs kids. They do their best to cope. Sometimes we make it and sometimes we just fall apart.

Now that I'm tackling a new parenting challenge the learning curve of my life has gone up again. I have a new summer reading list that I really was hoping to avoid, but that's part of how I cope. Once I have a label for a kid, then I research and read until my eyes are red. I take great hope in the sheer volume of written opinions out there. I figure there are other people out there who have walked a similar path before me and are consumed, much like I am, to share what they know in the hopes of helping another child or a fellow mom.

I've also learned that mainstream doesn't always mean it's the best. A lot of the "success" we've had with our boys came from less known methods and treatments. I'm not saying I'm intentionally seeking out the obscure, but I certainly wouldn't turn away from something just because no one I know has ever heard of it or tried it. I will follow my gut. I will go the route I believe best for each of the kids. I believe that as their mom, chosen by God, I know them best and my hunches about what will work or not work are usually right on.

And so it goes.

This roller coaster life of mine. There are personal ups and downs, parenting greats and parenting disasters, school to be taught and lessons to be learned--by all, not just the kids. There are decisions to be made, both large and small. There are realities to be accepted, dreams held close, priorities re-evaluated and revamped all among the laundry and dishes. The trick is to see God in it all. To wait and hear His instructions. To see the joy in each moment, to cherish each part whether it's washing grape juice off the floor for the 1000Th time, reminding everyone to flush, reading bed time stories or kissing damp, sleeping foreheads. There is a blessing in the bath tub falls and a joy in the daily math tantrum. There is a joy hidden in wet basements and flash floods. I'm sure of it.

It's really easy to loose perspective and really hard to get it back. It's much easier to be crabby and critical than to be patient and kind. It's easy to see all the ways something could go wrong or be bad. That's our human nature. It's real hard to look at each situation and see that perhaps you were put in it because God wants to bless you with it.

Twice in the last week, I've had it brought to my attention in just that manner. I've been dumped on by some people I know and I don't enjoy that. In talking with someone dear, she shared some hard won wisdom. She said, you know, I used to wonder why I had a dump here sign on my forehead, but now I know. I have that sign on my head, so that I can be blessed by praying for these women.

Wow.

It's sort of like we have attachment disorder with God. We need Him to be always holding our face, looking into our eyes and saying, "You're safe. I love you no matter what. I won't throw you away no matter what you do."

We are just like these kids. We forget. If it isn't being said over and over, we simply forget. We look at each thing for the ways it will be bad or wrong instead of the way God will use it to bless us. The kids look at us to see how bad they need to be before we throw them to the curb just like everyone else in their life has done. It takes a life time for them to believe our words.

How foolish we are. We are like that with God. He tells us over and over and even when we believe, we test again and again. Is this the time you throw me away?

He is ever patient and continues to hold our faces in His hands, saying, "You are safe. You are mine. I love you always and forever."

It's raining,
It's pouring,
The neighborhood is flooding

We mopped the floor
And sopped some more
And prayed for sun in the morning

MTV

Are you interested to see what the boys are up to at Tae Kwon Do? Here's your chance. Tune in to MTV's MADE on June 14th at 1PM. It is the 100th episode and will feature JK Lee Tae Kwon Do. It was partially filmed at the last tournament that the boys competed in.

The Wish Dishes

A long time ago when I got married I got what I thought was a really dumb gift. Time sure changes your perspective.

I did all the regular bride stuff. I went off and registered for the gifts I wanted. I was very specific, especially when it came to dishes.

Due to several sets of grandparents down sizing and such we knew we would be receiving two sets of china, so there was no need to register for a new set. That meant that I was totally focused on every day dishes.

Yes, I know, it's just stuff. You have to remember this is before I really had a clue about life or had really even lived any life.

So I picked out the dishes I wanted. Plain white on top, or inside and the out side was deep navy blue. So the cups and bowls are white inside and beautiful blue on the outside. The plates are white on top where you put your food, but blue on the bottom. Personally, I loved them. Everyone thought they were dull.

Fast forward about 15 years. I still think they are the best dishes. They are still classic and crisp. At least, what's left of them is still classic, clean, crisp looking, minus all the chips and cracks. Never mind that I'm down to just a few bowls and all the plates are chipped. I'm not even sure that I have a single plate that is unchipped now.

So are you wondering? The gift I thought was stupid way back when? It was a second full set of dishes. Nothing I would ever have picked out for a pattern either. They are not a classic shape. They are not heavy, but thin. They have a modern art pattern around the rims of the plates and bowls. The cups are tiny. So tiny it's like drinking a half cup of coffee.

But you know what? Now that we've lived some life and life with kids and dogs at that, I have a lot of those left. Know what else? Every time I use them, I get compliments from people. They are eye catching and captivating. People enjoy them. Know what else? I've come to love them and think it was one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received.

So thoughtful in fact, that I've done this for friends at their weddings. I've completely ignored their wish lists and gone out to find them an interesting set of dishes that they really don't want. I'm hoping it will work out for them in a similar way 20 years down the road.

A Lesson Learned Yet Again

It seems you can never learn this lesson enough.

Parenting happens from your knees.

It's half prayer.

The other half is being eye level with the little people that clutter up your life.
It's the only place you can be to really interact with them in a meaningful way.

It is the only way to look into their eyes and assure them that they are OK. They are safe. You will not let anyone hurt them if you can help it. You will help them. You love them.

Therapy is putting her back together I hope. Therapy is putting a hole in my heart.

I keep sitting down to write a post but I'm all a jumble today.

See, it's the day after a visit, so Little Miss is beside herself. A constant bundle of tears and screaming. Just pure frustration and hurt all wrapped up in the cutest little two year old.

The Little Mr. is working his mind over time to figure out how to get out of school on a permant basis. We're really working on the year round plan over here, but he has other plans.

The Littlest Mr. is beside himself with excitement as he will have his first piano lesson this afternoon. He can hardly wait. He's been ready for hours and washed his hands about a zillion times to make sure they are clean for Miss Angie's piano.

I'm trying to remember to pay for the lessons today. I'm trying to sort out some of the junk of Little Miss's case. My brian is filled to the hilt with things I need to remember and things to do. There are appointments and schedule changes and extra things like belt testing and birthdays and graduations.

Then there are the people things and the waiting things. Yup. Still waiting on a few things just to see where they all come out. Still waiting on a person or two to see how that will settle out as well.

In the mean time, I'm trying to remember that I said I'd be taking things just as them come. I'd be enjoying the peace of knowing it will all happen in it's time and we'll get it all done when we get it done. I'm remembering the part where I said I'd enjoy the days and the small stuff. I'd find the joy.

So I resolve again not to get bogged down in the check lists of life. I resolve to refocus for the rest of the afternoon.

Birthday Baseball

It's the birthday season in our place. This weekend was the big deal.

We took the boys and the grand parents to a baseball game.

It turned out to be beautiful weather and a sold out game. We had seats just feet from 3rd base. The Brewers won easily. We had snacks and souvenirs and a really long walk. The parking was also sold out!

After the game we had a cook out at home and presents. All in all, really happy exhausted kids.

Today we've just been nursing our sun burns, resting a bit and playing with all the new toys. At least most of the new toys. I have not set up the tether ball yet, or the auto baseball pitcher thingy, but they're working on me. I did build some of the new Indiana Jones Lego sets. As The Littlest Mr. says, "sweet, mom, nice". You'd think he was 16 instead of 6.

In between all that stuff, we're doing the regular house stuff, life chores and foster care junk. We're switching over to case worker number 4 now. It just means lots of emails and phone calls. More appointments, meetings and house cleaning.

This week, The Little Miss will turn 2. She's been with us over 18 months now. It's been a pretty wild ride, but she's worth every minute of it.

Off to task doing and life living.