Fall Memories

A collection, much like leaves in piles...

I have only vague memories of trick or treat.  Those late elementary school years we lived in a subdivision that was just being developed.  There were lots of dead end roads with a few houses each.  There were more lots marked off ready to be built than actual neighbors, unless you counted the cows.  Trick or treat was about getting to all the houses possible within the subdivision.  It was usually completely do-able.  I remember a lot of weird costumes and winter coats.  I remember the sort of ritual of pumpkins getting smashed in the road.

Later years, fall was busy.  I was marching band and cheerleading.  Our school colors, orange and black, as fall and Halloween as it gets.  It is unbelievably awkward to be the cheerleader marching in the half time show in your cheer uniform and not your band uniform.  It was always too cold.  I remember the year I marched holding my instrument and not playing because my jaw was broken, again.

Fall was the season of back to school relationships.  It was the tricky time of seeing if your friends from last year were still your friends this year, especially if you were like me and didn't see anyone over the summer.  I was still the "new kid" even after 4 years.

Football and marching band finished up every Friday night with a dance in the gym.  All that time in the band room, all those dramas.  Besties sharing clothes, curling irons plugged in everywhere, the room smelling like hair spray.  We had our own music in there.  Then we'd come around the school to the dance.

School dances.  80's style.  Pegged pants.  Polo.  Madonna, Guns-N-Roses, U2...there were so many.  Neon, denim, sweaters off the shoulder.  Hats, gloves and piles of jewelry.  Slow dancing in the dark.

One of those after the game dances was fateful.  Life changing.

I danced with The Mr.

My life changed course, from what?  I don't know.  I didn't have much of a life plan when I was 15, but I do know that meeting The Mr. so young changed how I was influenced and by who.  I don't mean that in a negative way, not for anyone.  It's just sometimes startling, now in my 40's, to be able to look back and see how much he shaped who I became and the life I'm living.

Again, not bad.

I married The Mr. in the fall.

A few more days, and it will be 20 years since my wedding date and our names were carved, calligraphy style, in pumpkins.

Fall is always a starting over for me.  It's always a remembering and reflecting kind of time.  It's when I take stock of where I'm at and where I meant to be and where I want to go next.  Then I make some plans, not a lot, because after all, it's me.  I don't usually even use the plans I make.

Some of my recent fall seasons have been giving kids up or getting new ones.  We are almost to the one year mark for Mr. Monkey.  Someday this child will have peace.

I'm off to soak in some 80's play lists and some fall memories.

   

I Can See It On Your Face

Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Are you good at hiding your feelings or is your face an open book?

I am completely arrogant and will say that  I am very good at hiding my feelings from showing in the expressions on my face.

I'm sure that sounds deceptive.  I guess in a way, it is.

In my role as a foster parent, it is often protective.

Sometimes it's about setting an example for my children.

Keeping my feelings from my face often allows others to trust me more, tell me more.  Sometimes it's simply about manners.

Even when a person annoys the crap out of you, it isn't necessarily the best thing to have so little self control as to let that all hang out.

It's about power and control too.  I can't necessarily control how I instantly feel about something, but I can control how I react and respond to something. If you tick me off and I instantly show you that, you have the power to push further and possibly manipulate my actions.  If you hurt me and I show it, then you have all the power to do it over and over again.

Not always, but often, the power to be victimized is our own.  We don't have to feel like dirt about ourselves over what Susie said or what Dick did.  We can decide to feel however we want to about it.  We can control how we respond to it.  We don't have to live like life is a giant out of control emotional roller coaster of friends and family and people yanking us up and down.  We just don't.

I'm not saying that there aren't situations or moments in life when a person isn't an open book, when I'm not, because there are.  For all of us.

But, I don't have to be ruled and destroyed by feelings.  I don't have to spend my energy that way if I don't want to.

Life In the In Between

Right now I'm living in the In Between.

I'm in the place between who I know my God to be and what I know the world to be. 

We all know the song, and I am feeling like I am that tree bent over in the hurricane.

I know the promises He made.  I know the love and mercy and grace.  I know the healing and comfort to be found.

I am walking with far too many friends bending in the weight of the pain and fear of this world. 

It's a hard place to stand, my friends, no one would deny it. 

But please don't just stand, the victory comes when we keep going, one step after another, forward into something we can't see.

It's a hard place to stand next to you, as a wordy girl, suddenly and completely without any right words to say.

Each of you standing in your own personal hurricane knows who you are and what you mean to me.  Know in the days ahead, I am loving you and praying for you and your world, even if you can't see how that could be.

Clean Enough

Clean enough is the place between clean that brings you joy and dirty that makes to sullen. 

I'm content in the clean enough.  I really am, and in a way that seems like a very bad thing.  I like things picked up.  I like the floors swept and carpets vacuumed.  I like the laundry mostly done and put away(who can ever get it all done?)  I like my kitchen sink empty, although it rarely is except for a couple hours a day.

I can live with a pretty healthy amount of clutter around.  Paper on flat surfaces.  Things not quite put away.  That one last game piece.  A pencil not quite in the pencil can.  The newspaper left on the table.  The chair left pulled out.

Here's the rub though, when something happens or is going to happen and I really get cleaning down deep for real, I love the result.  I even love the effort. 

What?

So today I got on with the job of cleaning my fridge.  It's a job I don't love, who does?  Those smelly leftovers that everyone said they were going to eat last week and so on.  I do clean out the "junk" pretty often so it's not horrible and totally gross, but it does every once in a while reach that point, you know the one, where you think I just have to do it.  I have to buck up and do the dirty job. 

It doesn't take long for me to have the shelves out and suds everywhere and the inside getting scrubbed down. 

I end up loving even the cleaning.  There is something so utterly satisfying in taking something dirty and washing it clean.  I'll spend the rest of today and probably even part of tomorrow opening up the door just to look inside at my clean shelves and drawers. 

When I was done, I asked my friend, how come I slide into that in between of clean enough?  Why can't I stay on the "high" that comes after a deep clean and keep it that clean all the time?  Why do I let myself slide into the "easy" clean enough-you know the one that grabs and tosses that single yucky thing and gives the shelf a quick Clorox wipe wipe-down instead of yank the shelves out and scrub it down? 

Where are you on the clean it up scale?  Are you a "super cleaner" always going in for the deep clean?  Are you a slider like me, do the deep clean and slip slowly into clean enough? Or are you a "dirty girl" and you just don't care if your fridge is coated in that "black stuff" or your bathroom is kind of "fuzzy"? 

Spill the "dirt" in the comments, will ya?

I'm looking and thinking about blog topics to stay with the Between theme and my son says:

What's the difference between a double bubble blowing baby and double bubble gum?

Then he said, "How many elephants can you fit between a car and the ocean?

Yup.  That's what life is like around here.  Lots of random thoughts.

We've been busy today.  Lots of sports and activities.  Lots of study time and hair do's.  We spent a part of our day at another home.  It's our home too, though.  Our families run together.  There is so much that goes back and forth between us.  Kids, movies and meals.  Coffee, compassion and sports.  Faith and fun and football. 

And I am thankful to share the between with them.