I'm Here

I am. Really.

I'm just tired and cranky. This stupid foot of mine is taking over. As much as I want to be ignoring it and getting on with life, it's making me slow. It's making everything take so much more effort and planning. I don't have great patience for this.

I'm just shuffling along in a bit of a fog. It's that state where you try to rationalize which things you can let slide for a few days only to realize that now you have a bigger issue. I really should have just kept plugging along slow and stead in stead of sitting it all out for a few days. Now I have a bit more of a scramble to work with than I'm probably really ready for. Oh well.

It's the life of a mom really. You just keep on going. You walk the path before you and take the next steps even if they're on limpy legs.

As for general updates, we went to court yesterday for Little Miss. It's sort of what I predicted. Not really much new and it sucked up a few hours of my day. There are some new people assigned to the case. There is a potential appeal pending.

Here's how that works.

We're not actually certain at this time if it's her birth family filing the appeal or if it's just the public defenders office making sure there are no errors in this case that could potentially come back and later disrupt an adoption.

So here's what happens. By July 8th a new public defender will be assigned to this case. They will review the case very carefully to see if there is anything that can be written up as an appeal. If there isn't, then we get to move on toward filing for an adoption. If there is, the appeal is written and then sent to Madison for review. From there it will be reviewed. It will either be found as no grounds for appeal and the decision of the judge will stand and we can then proceed to filing for adoption. If it is found that there is grounds for appeal, then we basically go back to the beginning and do another trial. Then it will again be up to a judge or jury to determine if there should be a termination of parental rights.

It seems as though this will be the story of our lives for the next few years. This process for Little Miss could last at least another year. And then there is Little One. We expect his case to turn in this direction in the next 6-9 months. Then we'll begin this process all over again with him. Then there is the question of his siblings.

See, Little One has two older sisters. At this time, they are with another foster family, but that doesn't seem like it will be a permanent home for them. Everyone would like to see the sibling group stay together. The worst would be for them all to be separated or one to be left in the system without a forever home.

It's a mess. There are so many parts of this right now that I'm just refusing to take in and try to process. It's too hard on the heart. And I know it's far to early in the case to even begin spending my energy here. The time will come.

If it crosses your mind, say a little prayer for these two little girls, Missy & Miss-D. I'm going to keep on saying it. These kids don't deserve what they get, and they don't get what they deserve.

Thankful Even If Not Happy

I'm not in my comfort zone. I like doing things myself, my own way. I like being independent. I'm not good at asking for help, accepting help or being helped.

This week, that's been the way it is.

I am VERY thankful for all the people who have stepped in and helped out, from just being understanding that I'm moving a little slower, to driving me, doing my dishes or bringing dinner. It all really did help.

I'm happy to say that each day I'm a little better than the day before and hope to be back to full speed and strength in a few weeks. Right now, I'm down to just limping around with my boot. And who wouldn't want such fashionable summer foot wear?

So thanks my friends. Thanks for cooking and schlepping. Thanks for carrying and putting up with my flock of kids. Thanks for coming over on short notice and making due. Thanks for helping me laugh it off. Thanks!

Today's Episode of Stupid Mom

Last night I was playing Super Mom around my house and it came back to bite me in the butt.

I was doing exactly what I always tell my kids not to do. I was rushing around, in the dark, doing a bunch of things at the same time on the stairs.

I think you see where this is going.

It went right to the ER.

Seems it was my turn.

I slipped off the last 3 steps and heard an amazing series of crunching and popping sounds. I have a very high pain threshold, bordering on abnormal, and yet, there was no way I was going to move. So I laid on the floor and let my kids freak out.

Thankfully, high school home teams has blessed me with great relationships with amazing teens. I called one, Haley, to ask her if she was free to watch the kids while The Mr. took me to the ER and she wasn't, but she had another person, Carleen, on her way in a matter of minutes.

Blessed I am. Indeed.

Anyway, it turns out no bones appear to be broken. We'll just wait it out a week or so to see if there is any damage to tendons or ligaments or that sort of stuff. In the mean time, I'll be sporting my lovely boot and doing my level best to stay off it as instructed.

One Tiny Little Monday Morning Update

We received the offical ask this morning about Little One. Translation: We were asked if we were the official adoptive resource for him.

There are lots of little happy dances happening around here.

Now, about the bigger van, and the house expansion, and, and, and ... Ah, it's all good, God's got it.

Weekend Highlights

* blistering sunburn thanks to Saturday baseball
* using at least 4 of the jumbo size band aids on the same child
* giving in and turning on the air
* surviving an ant invasion
* fire pit
* most of the father's happy for most of Father's day
* moved the kids allowance into the neighbors house and their garage sale into ours
* pregnant rabid raccoon, 'nuf said
* thunder storms
* baby shoes still at church
* 2-3AM prime rocking chair time with captain teether baby
* mama got to cook--highlights at the end
* filled 4 or more trash bags from the kids rooms & play room, slow & steady
* front row seats to the neighbors remodel, landscaping looks great, new patio door today, free entertainment for the kids
* iced coffee
* watching TinkerBell with Little Miss while she wore her fairy wings & held her princess wand
* thinking ahead to 4th of July, anyone else see those Paula Dean chocolate chip cookie smores with grilled bananas??
* drove through the mini flood on Granview Friday night, took the long way home
* brainstormed about my parents 40th---in a few days!!! Yikes!

Okay, the food. Yesterday was steak on the grill, corn on the cob--all good right there, especially with a mostly male house! We had grilled veggies too, foil packet, red & yellow peppers & zucchini, olive oil, salt, pepper & fresh basil. So yummy. Mushrooms & sweet onions sauteed in butter, of course. Fresh salad of ripe tomatoes and avocados, just a little olive oil and salt, lots of fresh basil. Dessert was cheap generic fridge biscuits, baked with a little cinnamon on top. Cover them with this fruit mix. Four fresh peaches, sliced, chopped, whatever. Dump into a fry pan with a stick of butter, a bunch of honey, vanilla, ginger and cinnamon. When all bubbly and yummy pour over biscuits and top with fresh chopped mint. MMM MMM. Still thinking about those biscuits.

A big meal to be certain, but all very light. So we all felt full, but not rolly polly stuffed.

Bittersweet Birthdays

Today is the last birthday, at least for a while. Little One is one today. It's like all things foster care, bittersweet.

In a way, birthdays just are bittersweet for me. They are land marks in life. A time to stand back and see where you've been and where you're going. A moment in time to do an honest evaluation.

But for a foster child it's more. And less.

So today he turns one.

It's remarkable that he made it to one, such was his circumstance.

When I shopped for his birthday and planned for it, I wanted to be elaborate and over the top. I wanted to buy every last outfit and goodie that tweaked me. I wanted to get all the special things. I wanted to buy every toy and blankie and lovie there was. I wanted to spoil this Little One.

But, I know I can't. I know I shouldn't.

Part of my job, is to be a mama. That means being a real mama. Not just overdoing when my heart is aching on his behalf.

He visits with his family twice a week. But in between, there is silence. No phone calls, no card or letters. There are no pictures of siblings or birth parents. I don't know if they're thinking of him day and night or if he's simply something they do twice a week.

I don't know if his mama or daddy woke up this morning remembering the moments of his birth, their expectations of who he would be or thinking about the promise of his future. I don't know if they'll show up for their visits today or remember to bring presents. I don't know if he'll get a card or a cake or a birthday kiss from his siblings.

I do know that here, at this home, he'll get presents. The other kids have already hailed him as today's birthday king. He won't have a special birthday dinner with us because he'll be away on a visit and because he doesn't eat table foods yet. We won't have a special cake, but instead a giant bowl of pudding. Banana pudding. His favorite.

See, that's where the rub is. I know banana is his favorite. I've held him while he cut his teeth and had his PEG replaced with a Mic-KEY. I take him to the ER and to ENT and GI. I give him his baths and rock him to sleep. I come to his bed in the night when he cries. I've watched him learn to crawl and sit. I have counted as the baby steps have increased these last few days. It's 10 steps in a row if you must know. I know he likes his morning and evening bottles warm and the mid-day ones cold from the fridge.

There is no good way to wind this one up. I've been writing and erasing for a while now and there just isn't.

So happy birthday Little One, may you next year be better than this one.

Another Long Ramble on Relationships & Technology

So I've been thinking lately, and having some conversations that tweak me and have pushed me into yet another blog post on relationships. It's a favorite topic it seems.

Modern technology is squishing the world together. More specifically our personal worlds. In theory, my theory, that is, it's forcing us to adapt to a new level of authenticity in our lives. Or perhaps it isn't a new level at all, but a return to a level of being human that we once possessed long ago. Or not that long ago. Or maybe I have a habit of making life so much more interesting than it really is by over indulging my emotions.

Anyway.


Where I was going with this is someplace I've been before on this blog, but I'm far to lazy to search for it and link it up for you. I figure I don't go back and read the old writing very often so I'd bet that you never do either. And that's just fine. My stuff is often tied right to the moment and if you've missed the moment, well, then, the blog post is simply me talking to myself. Again. I'm totally okay with that. I think I hold up a great conversation all by myself. It comes out of being a nervous talker and a wordy writer and it keeps the other grocery shoppers at a distance when you mumble through the aisles.

So on to where I was going. This technology laden world is forcing us into being a whole lot more honest. It's taking away our boxes and neat little life categories.

And I, for one, LOVE that.

It's one thing I groove on the most. I'm an intense relationship junkie. Now, I don't mean that in an icky stalker sort of way. I mean it like this. One of the times I'm happiest in life and feel most validated or valuable as a human being is when I'm deep into some part of a relationship that takes a turn toward the intense. Not necessarily a push over into the realm of crisis, that can be far too much, but just walking that line of the intense.

I guess I'd try to describe it as being akin to the feelings of falling in love, except that isn't it. It's a phenomenon I first experienced after becoming a Christian. Or at least in that general time frame of my life, so that puts it roughly around a decade ago. It is that sensation of diving into another person, knowing them deeply.

I know, very fluffy and new age-y. Get over it.

Anyway, how that loops in here is this. All these new social online network things are making the worlds collide. Awkward, yet positive.

Here's what I mean.

In the past we were all able to keep our worlds in boxes and on shelves and separated. For example who you were in high school really kind of stayed in the halls of the high school when you left. Who you are at work is not necessarily who you are at home and isn't who you are at church and isn't who you are at the bar and, well you have the idea.

The thing is these social sites like Face Book and My Space are putting a wrench in that. It really isn't possible to maintain separate spots for work and friends and church or whatever. Past and present intercede. They all collide. So then you need to decide. Will you try to maintain being different people for different groups and locations or will you be the same person all the time in all situations.

Now, as a Christian, that's the general idea anyway, but a lot of people miss that point along with a whole host of other important details about being Christian. That's a different blog post.

But, because of general technology, everyone is being forced, in a way, to be more authentic.

And I LOVE it.

I really do. I think it's a capital pet peeve of mine. People who are playing the games and wearing the masks. People who are so uncertain of themselves that they are feeling the need to be one person in one place and another in other places. Now I'm not saying that behavior is exactly the same in all places. It would be foolish to think you could behave the same in a bar as in a church, but overall, you should be the same person in both locations.

Make sense?

Probably not. I'll try again. At work you would not reveal your most personal details of life, but you would be generally the same person at the office as you would while being social with your friends or home with your family. So if you wouldn't cuss with your co-workers or your family, why would you do it with your pals? You can be an honest version of yourself in all setting without making every exchange seem like a therapy session or just plain giving out way too much information. Clearer?

I bet not.

This is it in a nutshell folks, we have a tremendous opportunity in front of us because of technology and we're stupid not to embrace it. It is an opportunity to build real relationships with people we wouldn't normally allow into our circles for whatever reasons we can come up with. Now, I'm not saying that suddenly everyone in your office should become your best friend or that your church friends will love hanging out with your office group, but, there is opportunity. Opportunity to embark on a new journey. A chance to engage in relationships with people that just otherwise would not fall into the friend category.

And that is a GREAT thing.

It's easy to see why from the getting stand point, right? You could potentially make a bunch of new friends that are really fun and beneficial for you personally. But can you see something else here? It is a great opportunity to stop selling yourself short. It's a chance for you to be of value to someone else. More likely than you know, you have some sort of skill or personality trait that would be a tremendous benefit or blessing to another person.

I think in a way I've lost my point on this yet again, in it's meanderings, but you get part of the idea at least. Technology is a very cool thing when we're putting it to use for a purpose. Use it to your advantage, and to everyone elses too. It's such a wide and broad topic. There are so many directions to go with it, but still, don't blow it off because it's big. Start thinking about it. Start playing with it.

Sure, you'll make some blunders. We all do as we learn the right and wrong ways to navigate this techno-friendship enhanced world, but blunder on my friends, for I am confident that the wins will far out-weigh the embarrassments.

Time to do a little blog catch up. It's been a bit of an insane week. A few things pleasantly exploded around my life. I like that. The baby started walking, is teething in earnest and just plain cranking and not sleeping. So 3 nights with an hour or so of sleep slowed down the writing. Then we had 2 days of non-stop overlapping commitments which meant I lived in my van. Not a terrible thing, but it's a lot of time behind the wheel.

In the gap I thought of this post several times this week.

Stupid Stuff I Hear Myself Saying

We don't lick swing sets.

Only tinkle IN the potty please.

Use silverware.

This is not an episode of Free Willy!! Get some clothes on.

Put the swing set down.

Do not play Frisbee with plates in the house. Please.

Don't bite the dog.

It's not okay to head butt.

Don't lick the dog.

Stop head butting metal poles.

We don't eat books.

After a shower you are supposed to use a towel.

Put the swing set back.

The dog doesn't eat mango's.

Why is the bathtub full of wash clothes?

Do not blow bubbles in the house.

Side walk chalk is not a food.

We don't pet babies. They are people not pets.

Sheets are not the same as canvas. Stop drawing on them with felt tips.

Brushing your teeth involves putting the tooth brush INTO your mouth.

Dogs don't like closets.

Clean clothes are not a punishment.

Little Mr. Has A Song & A Birthday

Today is Little Mr.'s birthday. He is 11, but sometimes an old soul. He proclaimed this his song.

Know what?

It is. It's his song. It truly tells his story and I cannot hear it without getting misty eyed.

Brandon Heath, Wait And See.

Enjoy.

Give a Little Grace

It's been a long and frustrating week. It was too full. And yet, that is our normal. Every day had moments and snap shots I meant to share but they were also days that ran so hard and long that by the end I could do no more than drop into bed and hope for a full night of sleep.

This week we had more teeth come in, another birthday and first steps. We got baseball uniforms and more coaches training. We said farewell to our High School Home Team, extreme spoons and all. The dog got cleaner and healthier. The summer activity list grew. There were two field trips and two picnics. We got our Mic-KEY tube and pink eye.

In all of this there were plenty of parent moments that seemed to be so much harder than those of our peers. It is a part of parenting challenged kids. You always feel as though you are working so much harder at parenting even the simplest things than other parents around you and yet your "results" are so much less. In the end, each time, you realize it is simply a call for greater grace.

Life Happens

Well, it's been a week, a dull and busy week.

Each day there was something that I was certain I was going to blog because it was just that funny, but, alas, life is stupid busy around here sometimes and sleep often takes priority for me above funny for you. Sorry. Although there have been far too many nights in the last week that I've gotten to the morning and thought why did I bother to put on my pj's and lay down.

When last I left you, we were just getting about the business of the first of four birthdays. I let the kids pick their birthday dinners and boy did I pay for that. I'm sure at some point in the past I've blogged about my hot dog issues, but if not, just know that I'd rather see a dentist than have a hot dog, and considering that I see my collection of dental professionals more than any human being should...well, anyway.

The Littlest Mr. does not feel the same way about hot dogs. To him, they are the perfect food. So hot dogs for dinner it was, with a side of mac-n-cheese and chips. Dessert was green zucchini cake. Who knew. Glad it's over.

Next up is Little Miss. She has a one track mind and only one request. Pink cake. She could care less what ever else I serve as long as there is pink cake and she gets to eat lots of that. That means I've made the choice and we'll be having spaghetti. Messy, but one of her known favorites, plus it's easy. I'm all for easy these days. Add on the bag salad and frozen garlic bread. Happy campers all around. Then pink cake. I'll be making a box of strawberry cake and using pink confetti frosting from the can, completed with pastel sprinkles.

After that is Little Mr. He has taste. At least when it comes to food. His request is a bit southern, and I'm all in. BBQ ribs and corn on the cob. Finish it out with ice cream cake. Amen.

Last up in Little One. He's barely eating solids right now, so I'm debating. I know he won't be having a special dinner as he doesn't even eat enough table foods to know if he has a favorite. He frequently strikes against baby food too, so I could offer up whatever was his last favorite, but he most likely won't touch it. I guess months on a feeding tube will do that to you, that and teething. The rest of the kids are voting for him to have birthday cup cakes, so I'll probably go that route. I'm thinking vanilla or yellow cake with vanilla butter cream frosting. At least he can make a mess of it and we can take some pictures for him to have later in his life.

On to other news. Baseball season is getting going. Practice is happening on Wednesdays and games start this Saturday morning. So much for my kid free Saturday mornings of errand running. Ah, well. School is almost done, about 2 more weeks. That means they're watching a lot of movies and taking a lot of field trips. There are special programs happening at school and lots of papers coming home. This week one boy goes to the zoo, with dad as a chaperon and the other one goes to Madison to tour the Capitol. Only amusing because we lived in Madison for so long and now one of his first field trips is back to where we started from. Hee hee, small world.

Tonight we'll be having out last home team with the high school kids. A BBQ party. It should be very fun. These are the best kids and they deserve a fun night before they launch into exams and very busy summers.

Our own summer is shaping up to be very busy. We'll have summer school for The Littlest Mr. and at home summer school for Little Mr. There will be camps too. Tae Kwon Do camp, 2 different weeks of course, because they're two different age groups now. Choir camp for both, art camp for one, baseball all summer long, VBS at our church, and a week long full day family VBS camp. I'm totally jazzed about that camp, adult Bible study and fellowship, activities for all, completely geared for special needs kids--that'd be 3 out of 4 kids here, completely geared for sibs of special needs kids, baby care, on site nurses and affordable! God blesses. Plus a girl friend is heading up the ladies part of the Bible study. I can't wait. We'll also have an extra week with The Mr. at home, thank you poor economy, but it should be great. We'll host some friends for a picnic at the very least while they are in the area attending the Willow Creek Leadership Summit. Very cool. We'll also be hosting some friends from Texas this summer. They'll be in town for two reasons, a family reunion and a high school reunion. Ms. A. was one of my very best friends in high school and about every 10 years she has a way of talking me into something. First it was cheer leading, then the 10 year reunion, now the 20 year. I'm catching on, slowly.

I'm sure somewhere in the summer we'll do some other things, like a few trips to Madison, maybe some cousin time. I'm guessing I'll have to come up with some things simply because we had to revamp the yard. Gone is the sand box and swing set. They were just too used up to be safe. This spring when we opened up the sand box and thought septic system, we knew it was beyond bleach and took it to the curb. Over the last summer the swing set began it's slow decent into the recycling pile. First the glider broke off. Then the slide. Then a week or two ago, The Little Mr. went out to swing and just about tipped the whole thing over. That and the boys had found a way to drag it under one of our bigger trees and "tight rope walk" across the top of the A-frame. I'm such a mean mom, I declare it the end. Now it's in a pile at the curb.

We'll also be heading back to court this summer, for Little Miss. Unfortunately, it seems it won't be for an adoption yet, but that's just how it goes. An appeal has been filed, so now we'll begin that process. It could be short, but most likely it'll be another year or so before we can really get to the actual adoption. Disappointing to be sure, but not unexpected.

We had a trip to the ER this spring so I'm hoping that will get us through the summer too. It was minor, Little Miss cut her finger with her scissors, I'm really, really hoping that we can get through the danger season without broken bones or major stitches on The Littlest Mr. but it's hope only, I'm not holding my breath with him. After all, I've skated through 6 summers with him already without major incidents, so I'm pushing it here. Some kids are just like that.

Busy, busy days ahead.